Sometimes CTB is comforting Sometimes It scares me

[MiraiShisen]

I have decided that I will do it, CTB myself by hanging, from start it was really helpfull for my psyche. As times progress and after one failed attempt, I have sometimes moments in day where I am completely OK with doing it. In this moment of acceptance I am thankfull for life I could live, for the privilege I had as a human being, to be honest even better than some other humans born in third world countries. I am accepting that my time is almost gone, its like I am ready to go plus I know that I am not alone in this shit thanks for this web or famous people died by suicide. Even from movies or anime whenever I see a person who had it hard I feel like I can relate and I dont feel alone. But at the same day I also feel like I dont wanna do it, I dont wanna die I am not ready and do not wanna accept that I am going to die soon, in this moment I feel like I am totaly alone standing naked in darkness without anyone to help me because you can not die with me I have to go through this alone, I am scared like little baby I feel anxious, sad, depressed, frustrated and lost at the same time, Why this is happening ? I wanna leave this place with certainty not doubting mysef, not regretting anything accepting everything what happened and be ok with it.... I am alone who feels this way ?

Suicide is helping me because I have solution to my problems but at the same time as the time is coming closer to actually do it, I feel divided. I would love to be sure about this but this is my only option how to escape my pain and health problems how am I going to do this.... jesus I feel so traped in this situation I mean I am fcking human not a robot how some people have so many strenght and courage to actually do that it is beyond me... do you have any method for strengthen your decision to CTB ? People think suicide is cowards act... Could not be further from the truth. Suicide takes tremendous courage.


Dying is scary, death is peacefull. Fuck this.... I wish after I die I wake up and it will be like I just finished some stupid game I just tried and never actually play it again. I wish I had friend I could speek about this openly I need to feel support or somekind of love because I am alone on this problem and nobody is going to help me. My mind is about to collapse, no human being or any other being in this world is not build for prolonged (chronic) suffering either physical of psychical/mental and even though I am tenacious I hit my limit long ago I have been broken at many peaces and its sad that I will never again experience part of life where I was happy and laugh at the daily basis and never experience side of life where everything worked for me, where I am chasing my dreams, where I have family and my own kids, where I had chance to rise from ashes and learn from hard experiences and could actually use this wisdom I have and I gathered through years of pain, I was thinking my whole adult life that I will beat this shit I have and will live normal life, little did I know... if I knew before I would endmyself long ago with better method when I used to have some money.

Sorry for this long post, I am probably just venting, am starting to feel better my anxiety is little lower but fact that I will have to do it anyway is still present and it makes me unwell but I am optionless.

 

[KevG]

We're all here to vent and share our anxieties and pain. You are not alone. If you need to say more please do. You will get my support. Your can trust that you do have friends here who want to hear what you are going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide really is just too unnecessarily difficult in this world, it certainly makes it sound easier when you hear of people succeeding with methods like hanging. It must be tiring and dreadful having to suffer like that, existence is just too cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[MiraiShisen]

We're all here to vent and share our anxieties and pain. You are not alone. If you need to say more please do. You will get my support. Your can trust that you do have friends here who want to hear what you are going through.

thank you for your warm words yes everyone should feel loved and appreciated, we are all humans and we need this emotions. thank you.

Suicide really is just too unnecessarily difficult in this world, it certainly makes it sound easier when you hear of people succeeding with methods like hanging. It must be tiring and dreadful having to suffer like that, existence is just too cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

Yes I wish everyone could leave this world without pain or struggle :/ thank you for wish.

 

[day]

Sorry the world has brought you to this point OP.. I wish you nothing put peace in your travels.

But yes I do find the thought of CTB extremely comforting as well. The thought of not existing and finally being free from such a cruel and grotesque world sounds ideal to me. Being here has brought me nothing but hell and never ending suffering. I want nothing more than to simply no longer be alive.

 

[MiraiShisen]

Sorry the world has brought you to this point OP.. I wish you nothing put peace in your travels.

But yes I do find the thought of CTB extremely comforting as well. The thought of not existing and finally being free from such a cruel and grotesque world sounds ideal to me. Being here has brought me nothing but hell and never ending suffering. I want nothing more than to simply no longer be alive.

Yes it is comforting because it is a solution a real one, but way to achieve it scares me, and what will be after is another question. I do see this world really cruel just by how things work how our survival is paved by death of other.... thank you for your comment wish you peace in mind and life until you will be at the better place.

 

[BlazingBob]

I have decided that I will do it, CTB myself by hanging, from start it was really helpfull for my psyche. As times progress and after one failed attempt, I have sometimes moments in day where I am completely OK with doing it. In this moment of acceptance I am thankfull for life I could live, for the privilege I had as a human being, to be honest even better than some other humans born in third world countries. I am accepting that my time is almost gone, its like I am ready to go plus I know that I am not alone in this shit thanks for this web or famous people died by suicide. Even from movies or anime whenever I see a person who had it hard I feel like I can relate and I dont feel alone. But at the same day I also feel like I dont wanna do it, I dont wanna die I am not ready and do not wanna accept that I am going to die soon, in this moment I feel like I am totaly alone standing naked in darkness without anyone to help me because you can not die with me I have to go through this alone, I am scared like little baby I feel anxious, sad, depressed, frustrated and lost at the same time, Why this is happening ? I wanna leave this place with certainty not doubting mysef, not regretting anything accepting everything what happened and be ok with it.... I am alone who feels this way ?

Suicide is helping me because I have solution to my problems but at the same time as the time is coming closer to actually do it, I feel divided. I would love to be sure about this but this is my only option how to escape my pain and health problems how am I going to do this.... jesus I feel so traped in this situation I mean I am fcking human not a robot how some people have so many strenght and courage to actually do that it is beyond me... do you have any method for strengthen your decision to CTB ? People think suicide is cowards act... Could not be further from the truth. Suicide takes tremendous courage.


Dying is scary, death is peacefull. Fuck this.... I wish after I die I wake up and it will be like I just finished some stupid game I just tried and never actually play it again. I wish I had friend I could speek about this openly I need to feel support or somekind of love because I am alone on this problem and nobody is going to help me. My mind is about to collapse, no human being or any other being in this world is not build for prolonged (chronic) suffering either physical of psychical/mental and even though I am tenacious I hit my limit long ago I have been broken at many peaces and its sad that I will never again experience part of life where I was happy and laugh at the daily basis and never experience side of life where everything worked for me, where I am chasing my dreams, where I have family and my own kids, where I had chance to rise from ashes and learn from hard experiences and could actually use this wisdom I have and I gathered through years of pain, I was thinking my whole adult life that I will beat this shit I have and will live normal life, little did I know... if I knew before I would endmyself long ago with better method when I used to have some money.

Sorry for this long post, I am probably just venting, am starting to feel better my anxiety is little lower but fact that I will have to do it anyway is still present and it makes me unwell but I am optionless.

You sound exactly like me. I was about to write something similar but you saved me the trouble. At times the thought of ctb brings me comfort and relief while other times it scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid of going to hell. Had I known my life would get this bad I would've done it long ago. I came very close in my 20s and not doing it then in hindsight was one of my worst ever decisions. I naively thought things could get better and they did for awhile until I got sick. Even after that I continued to try thinking I could beat it or at least manage it and eek out some semblance of a decent life but man was I wrong. Now I'm in daily agony not only trapped in my own failing body but trapped in a horrible situation under the thumb of an abusive shrew who knows I have no options and exploits and is intent on getting every ounce of blood out of me. My brain fog is starting to roll in again as is my exhaustion so that's all I can write for now. You are definitely not alone.

 

[MiraiShisen]

You sound exactly like me. I was about to write something similar but you saved me the trouble. At times the thought of ctb brings me comfort and relief while other times it scares the shit out of me. I'm afraid of going to hell. Had I known my life would get this bad I would've done it long ago. I came very close in my 20s and not doing it then in hindsight was one of my worst ever decisions. I naively thought things could get better and they did for awhile until I got sick. Even after that I continued to try thinking I could beat it or at least manage it and eek out some semblance of a decent life but man was I wrong. Now I'm in daily agony not only trapped in my own failing body but trapped in a horrible situation under the thumb of an abusive shrew who knows I have no options and exploits and is intent on getting every ounce of blood out of me. My brain fog is starting to roll in again as is my exhaustion so that's all I can write for now. You are definitely not alone.

Thank you for your comment, I really feel you, we both are warriors, we have been through shit and we did not gave up, at least we tried really hard, if there is something after life we can be relaxed because we did everything we could to beat odds and win against destiny. You described pretty much my adult life. I was just thinking that I dont wanna betry myself, I saw light at the end of tunnel I still had hope that it will turn good, that all of this is just some test I need to go through to be better human being to learn something to be better version of myself. But nah I was wrong, I was just lying to myself but at least we both can go without regret that we did not do everything about our situation to fix it. My last months are just in bed and pain, thinking about life I had about good memories that will never happen again and how everything after death vanish. Thank you again for your comment, I am glad that I am not alone, I would hug you If you could just to ease our pain, we will be at better place after this life and we will meet here. Brain fog... ehh dont talk about this shit.... I had to quit university because of this and I embarassed myself a lot of time because I was not able to think clearly and this is just a tip of a iceberg but I think this apply same for you. At least it does not hurt just make me dumb. I am feeling bad that your situation with people around you is bad, I am at least with family but I am really sad thinking about that one day they will find me dead. I dont wanna make them unhappy but I am not able to live here anymore even not for them and It tears me appart :( but what can I do , wish you peace in mind, as much painless days as possible and when you decide leave the smoothest way out of this world. Feel free to use this topic for venting.