Venting Something is different about this week.

[CravingPeace]

I feel myself slipping. I've been in bed by 7:30pm each night. My neck and back have been aching much, much more. Last night I slept my usual hours but I was utterly exhausted throughout the whole day, even though I took a full dose of my ADHD medication. Yet on Monday I slept much less and was more energetic with less medication.

I feel like I'm overspending my energy just to be able to maintain, and it's still not enough. I told someone at work today just how bleak the future is, in a general sense, but I meant it about myself. I really need to keep my mouth shut in this regard, I don't want to raise any red flags. Usually I'm a goofy and happy-go-lucky guy at work.

I'm just so tired, physically, mentally, spiritually. Yet the "timing" is never right to leave. I can't leave my dog with my friend because it's almost spring break for him, I don't want to ruin his time off work. But I'm seriously eyeing two weekends from now, aka the 18th maybe. Maybe things will improve by then, maybe they won't.

Just venting, love yall

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of it all, I always feel so tired of suffering. But anyway I wish you the best in whatever you decide.

 

[deadbidaylight]

I feel myself slipping. I've been in bed by 7:30pm each night. My neck and back have been aching much, much more. Last night I slept my usual hours but I was utterly exhausted throughout the whole day, even though I took a full dose of my ADHD medication. Yet on Monday I slept much less and was more energetic with less medication.

I feel like I'm overspending my energy just to be able to maintain, and it's still not enough. I told someone at work today just how bleak the future is, in a general sense, but I meant it about myself. I really need to keep my mouth shut in this regard, I don't want to raise any red flags. Usually I'm a goofy and happy-go-lucky guy at work.

I'm just so tired, physically, mentally, spiritually. Yet the "timing" is never right to leave. I can't leave my dog with my friend because it's almost spring break for him, I don't want to ruin his time off work. But I'm seriously eyeing two weekends from now, aka the 18th maybe. Maybe things will improve by then, maybe they won't.

Just venting, love yall

I'm really sorry that just existing is such a struggle for you right now. The rollercoaster of ups and downs are such torture. I feel this pain on a deep level. I think it's almost worse than being down all the time. When you have those "up" days you feel like maybe you can beat this, and then you're reminded when you're down that you're not immune and the pain is still there, just waiting to take you down. I hate how that makes me feel, so I'm really saddened that you're plagued by the same pain. It's so, so hard.

At the risk of sounding pro life (I am absolutely not. I am very much pro choice so hopefully no one gets it twisted), I feel like the idea of it never being the right time to CTB tells me that you are still subconsciously holding onto hope that you can have a better future. I really do believe that you are capable of that. Beating yourself up on the "mistakes" you've made is keeping you from realizing the potential you really have within yourself. I'm there with you too on that forefront. You are not alone in that, at all.

You've lived. You've done things that feel like mistakes now, but they weren't at the time and it's led you to become who you are now. I'm going to elaborate on that because you're probably thinking "yeah and that's the problem" right? lol. It's easy to live in regret for the things you've done, but there is still so much time to make memories with things you've yet to do.

I wallowed for years thinking back on all the "could've beens" but I've realized that if I didn't make those mistakes, follow a different path or burned the bridges I did, I wouldn't be where/who I am now, and have what I have. I could regret basically my entire life if I whittled down all the things I did wrong, but (i know I always bring it up, so I apologize!) I wouldn't have my daughter if I didn't make the mistakes I did, get divorced and meet my partner. Yes, I could've had a great education and career, lived in a nice house and drive a nice car, but those things don't matter when my entire reason for living is the little human I created.

My point to this giant ramble is take the experiences you've had (good or bad) and use it to fuel propelling forward. Things seem bleak now, but it could be leading you to the path you're meant to take. Your reason for living could be right around the corner and if you leave, you'll never know for sure. And that's a shame because I think it very well could be. I think you owe it to yourself to hold on a bit longer and find out. Everyone has different standards of what it takes to feel complete, so yours might not look the same as mine, but I think everyone can turn things around and find that thing that makes you thankful you stuck it out.

I'm really thinking of you, truly. You don't need all those "could've beens" to be happy. A lot of people could probably tell you that even though they have all that, they aren't happy or whole either. I see that constantly with people around me that seemingly "have the life". Youve LIVED. And you continue to live because there is something out there for you that you haven't found yet. Take those experiences as teachable moments, experience and memories, but please don't sit in them. They will swallow you whole.

You were made for this earth. You are destined for better, and I believe that. I believe in you.

 

[CravingPeace]

I'm really sorry that just existing is such a struggle for you right now. The rollercoaster of ups and downs are such torture. I feel this pain on a deep level. I think it's almost worse than being down all the time. When you have those "up" days you feel like maybe you can beat this, and then you're reminded when you're down that you're not immune and the pain is still there, just waiting to take you down. I hate how that makes me feel, so I'm really saddened that you're plagued by the same pain. It's so, so hard.

At the risk of sounding pro life (I am absolutely not. I am very much pro choice so hopefully no one gets it twisted), I feel like the idea of it never being the right time to CTB tells me that you are still subconsciously holding onto hope that you can have a better future. I really do believe that you are capable of that. Beating yourself up on the "mistakes" you've made is keeping you from realizing the potential you really have within yourself. I'm there with you too on that forefront. You are not alone in that, at all.

You've lived. You've done things that feel like mistakes now, but they weren't at the time and it's led you to become who you are now. I'm going to elaborate on that because you're probably thinking "yeah and that's the problem" right? lol. It's easy to live in regret for the things you've done, but there is still so much time to make memories with things you've yet to do.

I wallowed for years thinking back on all the "could've beens" but I've realized that if I didn't make those mistakes, follow a different path or burned the bridges I did, I wouldn't be where/who I am now, and have what I have. I could regret basically my entire life if I whittled down all the things I did wrong, but (i know I always bring it up, so I apologize!) I wouldn't have my daughter if I didn't make the mistakes I did, get divorced and meet my partner. Yes, I could've had a great education and career, lived in a nice house and drive a nice car, but those things don't matter when my entire reason for living is the little human I created.

My point to this giant ramble is take the experiences you've had (good or bad) and use it to fuel propelling forward. Things seem bleak now, but it could be leading you to the path you're meant to take. Your reason for living could be right around the corner and if you leave, you'll never know for sure. And that's a shame because I think it very well could be. I think you owe it to yourself to hold on a bit longer and find out. Everyone has different standards of what it takes to feel complete, so yours might not look the same as mine, but I think everyone can turn things around and find that thing that makes you thankful you stuck it out.

I'm really thinking of you, truly. You don't need all those "could've beens" to be happy. A lot of people could probably tell you that even though they have all that, they aren't happy or whole either. I see that constantly with people around me that seemingly "have the life". Youve LIVED. And you continue to live because there is something out there for you that you haven't found yet. Take those experiences as teachable moments, experience and memories, but please don't sit in them. They will swallow you whole.

You were made for this earth. You are destined for better, and I believe that. I believe in you.

I'm so glad you're back!

I definitely do have spurts of "hope" that have kept me here so far. The same hope that got me through all my rough patches in life.

I guess my main driver towards CTB is that I don't really have a sound reason to live right now. I have my dog, who I love so much, but could live a more fulfilling life with someone who isn't so depressed and bedridden. Meanwhile, the ups are definitely met with lingering and stronger downs. My spinal injuries and subsequent pain has been nagging at me hard lately. I estranged myself from family due to their abuse, and while I am glad I escaped, I do miss having a "family" to continuing striving and living for. Romantic endeavors are at a standstill, because I have set standards for a lover that I myself don't meet, and improving myself physically and emotionally is met with significant roadblocks.

And truthfully, I'm surely having an existential crisis as well. I'm having a hard time seeing the point in enduring more physical and emotional pain, likely worsening, just for a glimmer of a hopeful future. That cards are really stacked against me right now, and I don't see myself acquiring external means to get out of the physical, emotional, and financial pain I'm in.

It really feels like, for the unforeseeable future, I am stuck in the current life/lifestyle that I am not enjoying. It would take a huge paradigm shift in my thinking to change my mindset and perception of life to be able to continuing endure life as things are. And lately I have come to terms with the fact that I'm really unsure if I actually WANT that shift to happen - so in the mean time, I'm suffering without purpose.

Thanks for replying and letting me ramble. :)

 

[deadbidaylight]

I understand. And I'm really sorry you feel that way. I know there's much more to your story that's a driving force behind your struggles that hasn't been shared here. I'm really sad that you're suffering so much. I wish I could do something to help you.

Don't feel guilty about your dog in thinking he deserves better than what you're providing. Dogs are wonderful creatures who just appreciate being in your presence. Having your company is more than enough for him. They're one of the only things on this planet that will love and appreciate you unconditionally. There's honestly nothing better than a love from a dog. I have 2 myself.