I think I have a new crush...
The last two times at my self-help group there was a new woman there. She looks pretty good. She is also really my type. She is friends with the chemistry master student I once dated. They know each other from a clinic stay (which I suggested to the chemistry master student). The thing is I get...
sanctioned-suicide.net
Something extremely cruel and painful happened. So I texted my crush last Tuesday she did not respond much. I think she realized I am Mental wreck that will never be able to work because I spilled the tea in one of our sessions. Could be a paranoid thought though. Today she asked our self-help group which plans we do have for the future. Having a family, having children. Again could be a paranoid thought but I think she asked that to Look whether we fit. I did not position myself in a clear way. I don't want children and I think I am way too unstable for that. The same could apply to her.
The other group members left us alone after the meeting. I noticed my crush felt uncomfortable. And it was sort of awkward. I think she ended the session earlier to get the next bus having to spend less time with me. Could be a paranoid thought though. It Was obvious I had interest in her but not vice versa. She has the habit to ask questions on point but in an extremely unempathic way. She did this numerous times. She did it with other members. I wonder whether she realizes that. She wants to become psychotherapist I think she has to stop that otherwise I feel sorry for her patients. She is working on her bachelor thesis and then she asked the question what I am doing currently. I quitted all courses but have not announced that in the group. This question tore me apart. This question hit me so fucking hard. I Was a little bit stunned she asked that question even though I sort of anticipated something like that. I admitted that I want to change to a remote college. The pain Was pretty intense. Her bus was there. The last times we had conversations until her bus left. Today I said goodbye to her pretty early so that she leaves me alone. I think it was uncomfortable for her. I don't like the feeling making women uncomfortable.
Jesus Christ I don't know what this means for my suicidality. I have to process that. I think I idealized her way too much. Maybe rationalization is my way to deal with such a rejection of my crush. It is a massive insecurity of mine struggling so much with college. Which could be an indicator all of that is paranoid. My paranoid thoughts are often influenced by my biggest fears. I feel like I want to cry pretty hard. After the rejection of the chemistry master student I almost killed myself. And it wasn't even a real (long-lasting) rejection. After my one week in the psychiatry she never learned about the aftermath of her action she was interested in me again. This Was in October. And in January I met a woman from a Dating App and we had an amazing time together. She had Borderline and it collapsed pretty quickly. But for my confidence it was very good.
Bro it hits me so hard. This is why I never approach women in real life it hits me even worse. I barely get likes and matches on dating apps but I might have to cling to that. Holy shit. Tomorrow is therapy I will cry my eyes out. I cannot even actually cry since I take these antipsychotics. I want to kill myself so hard. I am so angry on my parents who abused me
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