Someone explain

[iamalreadydead]

just reflecting. I keep thinking about how spoiled I was and the fact that I turned out this way.

I keep seeing clips from the sopranos on my TL on twitter and always kind of hyperfixated on aj and meadow, they're so succinctly portrayed and make me think about my life and the fact that I'm objectively a lazy piece of shit, I've hurt my family and people I love even if unintentionally and hate working, I am so disgustingly lazy, I don't have any real skills or give a shit about most things or people. My parents gave me everything. They were shitty but gave me everything. I genuinely despise my parents and a lot of the things they've done to me can probably be considered abuse, and i hate them.

I hate them, genuinely. I have to live with them again so I find myself getting violently annoyed with them for any reason. If my mom is singing downstairs, I think about what a repulsive bitch she is. More of the violent thinking is directed at my dad, even slight jabs he makes at me makes me want to fucking step on his head.

I keep trying to think of reasons why this is how I am. I'm a textbook piece of shit. Why couldn't anything that happened make me a hardworker or really kind and giving instead. This is me trying to excuse it right now, I'm thinking of reasons for why I do the things I do, but in the back of my head I know it's an excuse, and doing so feels embarrassing and pathetic. I don't care about anything because of chronic emptiness as a kid. I don't care about anything now because of anhedonia. I've formed no good habits. Is that why I'm like this? I'm completely fucked because I got depressed at like 8 years old? It doesn't even matter if that's true because it doesn't count now. It doesn't count, because I'm an adult now, and you have to be an adult and make decisions and be decent and take care of yourself and it's up to you to better yourself even and to be honest you shouldn't even try shifting the blame towards other people in your life at the time because even if you were a kid it's your fault that you didn't do anything about how you were feeling until now, and really you can't "do" anything about it, anymore.

That last bit is phrased in a way that makes me think I subconsciously phrased it like that to dig empathy out of people here. Do not give me that. I really do mean and believe it, it's unfair but I have to accept it. No one gives a shit about you and you have to make yourself better even if you can't. And if you can't, your only other option is to die. No one has the capacity to understand why you can't clean up after yourself. No one empathizes and it doesn't matter. Just hate, and be alone, and be violent and angry. And hurt yourself and others because they (and you) deserve it. They deserve it.

 

[Pluto]

I know what it feels like to carry that bitterness at parents.

No reasonable person would blame a young child for their behaviour, yet at some point we become regarded as adults and there is no one else who can be blamed. Keep in mind that parents may put food on the table, but could still be neglecting your emotional needs or psychological needs.

If you were denied affection and attention in your formative years, that would help explain what has happened. Or, if the parents did everything well but these tendencies arose nonetheless, it could have been some sort of conduct disorder situation. Telltale signs are loss of empathy and tendency to enjoy harming others. Even then, a switched-on parent would seek professional guidance starting as early as possible.

My suspicion is that their parenting style was lacking something significant - be it boundaries, guidance, discipline or emotional warmth -and the feeling of anger at them is justified at some level. This can take some of the self-blame away. What remains is some sort of psychological ailment that may be treatable.