Someone be honest with me

[Kramer]

I'm tired of being lied to about this topic when I tell people about it. Even therapists will lie because they figure i'll kill myself if I heard the truth.

I have severe ocd and ptsd due to childhood abuse by my mother. I'm on disability as a result. My being tense and on edge is noticeable most of the time, and that's just what often shows on the surface. I can't hide all my bizarre compulsions in public. I often check my shoes and clothes frantically thinking I got something gross on them.

I've never been in a real relationship. I've been on the verge of many but would always back out because I felt like I was being forced into a cage. I felt like I was suffocating and I'm not the type who likes being alone or balancing multiple women at the same time.

So my question is; What would being in a relationship be like for me and the woman? How much of a shitshow would it be?

 

[summers]

I can't answer that, because I don't know you well enough, and everyone is different. I've been in relationships that turned to shit shows. It happens.

You're jumping right into this whole relationship thing. What about dating and seeing if you actually like the woman, and she likes you. Seeing if there's both an emotional and physical attraction. Sexual compatibility. You're not in a committed relationship at that point. Life isn't a reality show. Take things slow. See if you have common interests. We all wear masks when we first meet someone, they come off slowly.

One thing I would recommend is to be up front early on. Not on your first date, but don't wait too long to let her know you have issues. You have good and bad days. People hate being caught off guard. You do that, and there's a good chance you'll get ghosted.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

You need to find someone who is ok with mental illenss and make sure they are not an abuser type.
It is possible OP
will rpely in depth when free

 

[Pengwin]

Common sense dictates that a man needs a woman for companionship. This is the kind of common sense you would never hear from a doctor or psychologist.This is why education shouldn't be confused with intelligence. Educated people could (almost) never say something like that because they refuse to listen to their intuition and deny the very existence of their instincts although they are an extremely powerful instrument that was perfected over milions and millions of years - for them the existence of these things would only be true if they stood in a book.

 

[Soul]

Try going to events related to things you're interested in, so you have some obvious/natural topics to share. Cooking class. Museum workshops. Night with the Dinosaurs. If there are women there, talk with them.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Clearly you just haven't found someone who you'd fall for enough. In which case it's probably not going to pan out well if you go out with someone purely for the sake of going out with someone. If you're like me, you crave a deeper connection but simply haven't found the person you want that connection with (or at least not one you can have it with at the moment) and you know it can't be just anyone given your history.

Only you can decide whether it's impossible for you to find this person for you or not. It's possible that there are multiple candidates throughout the world. I don't buy into the fact that there's someone for everyone despite what my therapist told me but maybe for some people it's true. Maybe the perfect soulmate is out there but they have no way of finding you. Maybe they were already in your life but they might warrant a second chance. Maybe they're already dead. Only you can decide whether to keep trying knowing you're looking for a single gold coin buried in a beach.

 

[greebo6]

Love and relationships aren't easy for anyone. It takes a lot of effort and risking a broken heart . Its rarely as simple and perfect as it is in the movies.
But its worth it though , if you can find the right one.
I think you need to find someone who really understands you and your problems. Maybe someone who has the same kind of problems themselves. It has a chance of working out that way.
If you decide to go for it in the future I wish you well with it. Good luck.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Honestly I think all relationships are shit shows in general.
Especially when you live with someone, you notice that they have very weird habits regardless of mental health status.

 

[NightmareTour]

I know this is a thing you've heard plenty of times before, and it probably won't mean much because of the amount of times it's been said to you by people who don't understand your situation. But trust me, a relationship doesn't make it better. It feels good at first, but then the novelty wears off and you realise that it's nothing like you imagined. It's difficult and stressful and requires you to put a lot of trust in someone, which is so hard when you've lived your entire life without doing that. Plus, there are a lot of people out there who will pretend to be that perfect image you have in your head, because they know exactly how to prey upon vulnerable people. Someone like that can ruin every last bit of quality or value in your life.

If you find someone who you already feel like you can trust and you naturally just want to be with them, go for it. But searching for a relationship because you feel like it's something you need to complete your life is a horrible mistake. I'm not saying that in the way that people who have never felt what you're feeling do, I'm saying it as someone who doesn't want someone else to make the mistake I made.

 

[Kramer]

You need to find someone who is ok with mental illenss and make sure they are not an abuser type.
It is possible OP
will rpely in depth when free

An abuser type? I didn't think of that

 

[hoping to lose hope]

An abuser type? I didn't think of that

YES 100 times YES!!!!
Some men will target woman who are mentally ill as they think they can control them and abuse them in all sorts of ways it happens all the time and it makes me sick.
OP needs to be very very careful but not everyone is bad just need to keep our eyes wide.

 

[Kramer]

Honestly I think all relationships are shit shows in general.
Especially when you live with someone, you notice that they have very weird habits regardless of mental health status.

What are examples of weird habits?

YES 100 times YES!!!!
Some men will target woman who are mentally ill as they think they can control them and abuse them in all sorts of ways it happens all the time and it makes me sick.
OP needs to be very very careful but not everyone is bad just need to keep our eyes wide.

I'm a guy though

Clearly you just haven't found someone who you'd fall for enough. In which case it's probably not going to pan out well if you go out with someone purely for the sake of going out with someone. If you're like me, you crave a deeper connection but simply haven't found the person you want that connection with (or at least not one you can have it with at the moment) and you know it can't be just anyone given your history.

Only you can decide whether it's impossible for you to find this person for you or not. It's possible that there are multiple candidates throughout the world. I don't buy into the fact that there's someone for everyone despite what my therapist told me but maybe for some people it's true. Maybe the perfect soulmate is out there but they have no way of finding you. Maybe they were already in your life but they might warrant a second chance. Maybe they're already dead. Only you can decide whether to keep trying knowing you're looking for a single gold coin buried in a beach.

Already dead? That would be really sad

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I'm a guy though

Gay guys and mean bitches then.

 

[Ghost2211]

The things you mentioned wouldn't make you a bad partner. I think you just need to find somebody that has patience and understanding. I understand you are feeling like your behaviors May be perceived as socially unacceptable or unusual, but at the same time I don't see why most people would care about that. I agree it is important to be upfront and honest when you are dating someone early in the process, it will help them understand the behaviors and not see them as concerning.

 

[Kramer]

I know this is a thing you've heard plenty of times before, and it probably won't mean much because of the amount of times it's been said to you by people who don't understand your situation. But trust me, a relationship doesn't make it better. It feels good at first, but then the novelty wears off and you realise that it's nothing like you imagined. It's difficult and stressful and requires you to put a lot of trust in someone, which is so hard when you've lived your entire life without doing that. Plus, there are a lot of people out there who will pretend to be that perfect image you have in your head, because they know exactly how to prey upon vulnerable people. Someone like that can ruin every last bit of quality or value in your life.

If you find someone who you already feel like you can trust and you naturally just want to be with them, go for it. But searching for a relationship because you feel like it's something you need to complete your life is a horrible mistake. I'm not saying that in the way that people who have never felt what you're feeling do, I'm saying it as someone who doesn't want someone else to make the mistake I made.

It's weird then that I would even crave a relationship since it could cause a lot of harm. I don't think I learned my lesson from being abused as a child. I learned the world is cold and people don't really give a shit about me. I think it's because there have been women who have been nice. I learned later that they were usually nice because they thought I was attractive and not because of same innate good quality I have :(

Gay guys and mean bitches then.

Aren't mean women usually obvious? I think I avoid them well enough already.

The things you mentioned wouldn't make you a bad partner. I think you just need to find somebody that has patience and understanding. I understand you are feeling like your behaviors May be perceived as socially unacceptable or unusual, but at the same time I don't see why most people would care about that. I agree it is important to be upfront and honest when you are dating someone early in the process, it will help them understand the behaviors and not see them as concerning.

I'm always up front about being on disability. It doesn't usually go well :/

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Already dead? That would be really sad

Yeah...it's even sadder that there's no proven way to find out either...

 

[MrBlue]

I'm in the same situation as you OP. My OCD tends to make me extremely paranoid about my smell and to compulsively sort/neaten things. I honestly still would want to try a relationship if anyone ever became attracted to me, despite my worries about it. Even if it failed miserably, at least I would find out what it was like, and if I could get one then it would be evidence I could do it again (and maybe do better).

Plus it would be great to be around someone that makes me feel good about myself, and hopefully someone that I could make feel the same way. That person probably doesn't exist ngl, but it seems nice.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

What are examples of weird habits?

For women or for men?

 

[Weather]

Like everyone else has said, it depends on the person. The same person, regardless of their issues and non-issues, can have very different relationships with different people. It's all how it mixes together.

But, I would challenge you to think about what you could bring to a relationship. What might a partner get from you? A good listener? A loyal friend? Someone that can make them laugh? I think it's hard to imagine or attract relationships when we think about what we want to gain rather than what we want to give.

 

[Nymph]

Idk but I'm kind of same with the checking your clothes. I also keep opening my bag and checking every single item in case anything fell out even tho there's like a tiny possibility anything could fall out. I always look where I step cause I don't wanna step in anything gross and I wash my hands a lot etc etc.. I think you could find someone who's similar to you so you can relate to each other or someone who would be understanding. Because I think a lot of people are probably gonna think you're weird and a freak or something. Cause that's what people think about me too.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Rationally, if you feel like you're being forced into a cage and suffocated, then of course it's going to be a shit show. You're not going to motivated to be loving toward someone you experience as a jailer, you're going to fight them in some way.

 

[Acopia]

There is someone out there for everyone.

Find the right person, and it will be magical.

Good luck,
- A

 

[Kat!]

All I can say is that finding a person as broken as me always seems like a better route.

 

[NightmareTour]

It's weird then that I would even crave a relationship since it could cause a lot of harm. I don't think I learned my lesson from being abused as a child. I learned the world is cold and people don't really give a shit about me. I think it's because there have been women who have been nice. I learned later that they were usually nice because they thought I was attractive and not because of same innate good quality I have :(

Aren't mean women usually obvious? I think I avoid them well enough already.

I'm always up front about being on disability. It doesn't usually go well :/

I think it's normal to crave romantic relationships, I was in the same position. Loneliness can be absolutely soul crushing sometimes. Something about it makes you feel like if you had one, it would be completely different to every other relationship you've had with people, and this would be the one person who would finally understand how you feel. I think it's because romantic relationships in society are portrayed as this magical, perfect thing full of trust where they'd never lie to you and you never have to be alone again, basically everything that people like us could want. Nobody ever talks about or shows the part where you're just putting your trust in another person again, with no way of knowing for certain what they're thinking or what their intentions are.

Most people who aren't good people are pretty obvious about it, but the ones who do the most damage are very good at hiding it. Also, I don't know what hoping to lose hope is talking about, but women can absolutely be that kind of person.

You probably will find someone you can get close to in time though, just try not to rush things along. If someone has taken the time to get to know you as a person instead of deciding they want to be with you on the first glance, they'll probably already know about a lot of your symptoms, and you can be sure that they don't bother them. Lots of people with issues with their mental health have happy relationships, it just means finding someone who's willing to communicate and understand what's going on.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I'm tired of being lied to about this topic when I tell people about it. Even therapists will lie because they figure i'll kill myself if I heard the truth.

I have severe ocd and ptsd due to childhood abuse by my mother. I'm on disability as a result. My being tense and on edge is noticeable most of the time, and that's just what often shows on the surface. I can't hide all my bizarre compulsions in public. I often check my shoes and clothes frantically thinking I got something gross on them.

I've never been in a real relationship. I've been on the verge of many but would always back out because I felt like I was being forced into a cage. I felt like I was suffocating and I'm not the type who likes being alone or balancing multiple women at the same time.

So my question is; What would being in a relationship be like for me and the woman? How much of a shitshow would it be?

Find a woman who's ocd is much worse than yours and perhaps even complement each other. She checks your clothes and you check hers!!

Problem solved! Next?

 

[Kramer]

Yeah...it's even sadder that there's no proven way to find out either...

It's understandable why people want an afterlife

For women or for men?

Women

Idk but I'm kind of same with the checking your clothes. I also keep opening my bag and checking every single item in case anything fell out even tho there's like a tiny possibility anything could fall out. I always look where I step cause I don't wanna step in anything gross and I wash my hands a lot etc etc.. I think you could find someone who's similar to you so you can relate to each other or someone who would be understanding. Because I think a lot of people are probably gonna think you're weird and a freak or something. Cause that's what people think about me too.

One girl 10 yrs ago saw me check that my car window was up a few times after I turned the car off. She was bothered until I played it off. I think that was a big sign of things to come in dating, which is probably why I avoided it.

Rationally, if you feel like you're being forced into a cage and suffocated, then of course it's going to be a shit show. You're not going to motivated to be loving toward someone you experience as a jailer, you're going to fight them in some way.

Cage match

There is someone out there for everyone.

Find the right person, and it will be magical.

Good luck,
- A

This is so cliché that my eyes just rolled into the back of my head.

Find a woman who's ocd is much worse than yours and perhaps even complement each other. She checks your clothes and you check hers!!

Problem solved! Next?

This is so incredibly insulting. You should stop with the jokes since you have no idea about context.

 

[HadEnough1974]

It's understandable why people want an afterlife

Women

One girl 10 yrs ago saw me check that my car window was up a few times after I turned the car off. She was bothered until I played it off. I think that was a big sign of things to come in dating, which is probably why I avoided it.

Cage match

This is so cliché that my eyes just rolled into the back of my head.

This is so incredibly insulting. You should stop with the jokes since you have no idea about context.

My dear, I have transient tic disorder. I blink, twitch and make other movements. My best friend has the same thing and he has ocd as well. We get along very well because we understand each other. So yeah, I get the context.

 

[Kramer]

My dear, I have transient tic disorder. I blink, twitch and make other movements. My best friend has the same thing and he has ocd as well. We get along very well because we understand each other. So yeah, I get the context.

As I said you don't understand context. The context is that I'm seeking serious advice, not jokes. That's why your post is so insulting. Also, the "my dear" is so condescending that you're lucky I didn't just write off the rest of your post on the spot.

 

[HadEnough1974]

As I said you don't understand context. The context is that I'm seeking serious advice, not jokes. That's why your post is so insulting. Also, the "my dear" is so condescending that you're lucky I didn't just write off the rest of your post on the spot.

It was serious advice. Find someone who shares your struggles, understand your pain and can appreciate you. Have you ever attended support groups for people with ocd? A relationship is not impossible. You wanted an honest response, you got one, my dear ;)

 

[Kramer]

It was serious advice. Find someone who shares your struggles, understand your pain and can appreciate you. Have you ever attended support groups for people with ocd? A relationship is not impossible. You wanted an honest response, you got one, my dear ;)

Too late. Your initial flippant response undermines the rest.