succor
tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
- Oct 28, 2020
- 104
If you've unfortunately been witness to my other threads and posts, you will know I am chronically ill with a laundry list of conditions. Currently battling the government for SSI as I lost the ability to work toward the end of 2019. My partner pays the mortgage and my parents pay our bills. I am a stain and a tumor on their lives in the condition I am in. I have been holding on.
My partner is about to lose his job through no fault of his own. It's a long story that can be summed up in corporate greed and the callous heartlessness of big businesses in regards to the wellbeing of their workers. My health insurance is through his job. Our mortgage gets paid through his job.
I am going to lose my health insurance. I cannot afford all of my doctors and specialists without it. We might lose our house. I have long thought that the kindest and most merciful thing I could do for everyone involved, the one good thing I could do for the people I love, is to die. Get my affairs in order. He can sell the house and find a cheaper place with the money that he could afford on his own. He and my parents would no longer have to support me. He wouldn't have to stress about how to afford tending to the both of us anymore. He could work less. He would have time for himself again instead of spending 90% of his days as my caregiver.
The real planning has begun. I am trying to tie up as many loose ends as I possibly can so the transition is easier for him. Take care of as much as I'm able. I want to do at least that much for him. After that it's just a matter of where and when. I know how already and have done extensive research.
As I've said before, I really did want to live. I used to love life. But becoming disabled and having the American healthcare system fail me over and over again is too much to bear. I have no quality of life anymore. Nothing makes me happy. The doctors aren't helping. The government isn't helping. Society isn't helping. There is no place for me anymore and I've come to terms with it. I may be miserable but I refuse to make the people I love miserable as well. I will take my leave and it will usher in a brighter, new era. A catharsis. A clear breath after struggling to break surface tension. A sigh of relief. That's what I want to gift to these people who have tried and struggled to keep me afloat with no payoff or benefit.
Here's a song that sums up my feelings on the whole matter. I hope you all are having a better evening than I am. I wish you all comfort and light and love.
My partner is about to lose his job through no fault of his own. It's a long story that can be summed up in corporate greed and the callous heartlessness of big businesses in regards to the wellbeing of their workers. My health insurance is through his job. Our mortgage gets paid through his job.
I am going to lose my health insurance. I cannot afford all of my doctors and specialists without it. We might lose our house. I have long thought that the kindest and most merciful thing I could do for everyone involved, the one good thing I could do for the people I love, is to die. Get my affairs in order. He can sell the house and find a cheaper place with the money that he could afford on his own. He and my parents would no longer have to support me. He wouldn't have to stress about how to afford tending to the both of us anymore. He could work less. He would have time for himself again instead of spending 90% of his days as my caregiver.
The real planning has begun. I am trying to tie up as many loose ends as I possibly can so the transition is easier for him. Take care of as much as I'm able. I want to do at least that much for him. After that it's just a matter of where and when. I know how already and have done extensive research.
As I've said before, I really did want to live. I used to love life. But becoming disabled and having the American healthcare system fail me over and over again is too much to bear. I have no quality of life anymore. Nothing makes me happy. The doctors aren't helping. The government isn't helping. Society isn't helping. There is no place for me anymore and I've come to terms with it. I may be miserable but I refuse to make the people I love miserable as well. I will take my leave and it will usher in a brighter, new era. A catharsis. A clear breath after struggling to break surface tension. A sigh of relief. That's what I want to gift to these people who have tried and struggled to keep me afloat with no payoff or benefit.
Here's a song that sums up my feelings on the whole matter. I hope you all are having a better evening than I am. I wish you all comfort and light and love.
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