Somebody help me help another person with their toxic relationship

[K9TOOTH]

I have a friend who's in a rough one with his girlfriend She lies, cheats, backstabs, sets him up for embarrassment and I've talked to him so many times about her. So many I think that's what most of his suicide attempts are about but that part I'm unsure of. It's stressing and overwhelming. He won't leave her and he's been with her for year. His relationship with her is starting to make me frustrated and not of jealousy. I just fucking hate her, I hate whenever he tells me about her or comes to vent me about her cause every time he tells me about her it's always something negative. He says that it's the longest relationship he's had which my father who has a toxic relationship with my mother says the same thing. Wonderful. I've tried to help him with all his issues and it aches me whenever he goes back to the mental hospital. It's like a pain in my chest that has me hyper vigilant 24/7. Every attempt he'll fail and go back to the mental hospital. It's starting to tick me off and I don't wanna get mad at a boy who clearly desires to be loved. I'm not mad at him for that, I'd be patient with him and have but he'll take the simplest fucking things and turns them into into big negative things. An example is I didn't have Wi-Fi so he texts me "You don't love me, do you? As if we don't talk every day, as if I don't let him vent to me, as if I haven't been trying to help him, as if he doesn't literally claim I treat him better than his girl. Plus his girls a narcissist bitch, I'd blow that brainless skull of hers across my walls if it wouldn't hurt his feelings.

Sorry if I'm getting carried away and this paragraph seems so disorganized. I never want him to know how It's really making me feel because it's starting to make me upset knowing I'm probably not doing good enough to help him. There's a part of me that wish I didn't care for him so much but he can't even see that I care for him. I relapsed cause he told me he took all his meds today. I've tried so hard for both those things not to happen.

TLDR; I care for him, his girl doesn't, he can't see I care for him and I need some help.

Every attempt he'll fail and go back to the mental hospital. It's starting to tick me off

Woah holy shit I worded this part wrong. His relationship with his gf and not AT LEAST trying to improve it ticks me off, someone being put in a mental hospital because they really need the help would never tick me off.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Your friend is toxic, possibly codependent, and Cluster B.

If they continue to attempt suicide and spend time in psychiatric facilities, it is up to them to work on their recovery.

Stop blaming "the girlfriend" for your friend's mental illness. You're also toxic!

 

[jiaaa_02]

Hi dear, you may need to put up boundaries for yourself. It doesn't seem like a healthy situation to be so closely interfacing with. Try not to be the emotional punching bag because he won't see logic at the moment and help him practically. I understand it's a difficult decision because he is a friend but I think there is a clear need to set some distance for your own sake.

 

[K9TOOTH]

Your friend is toxic, possibly codependent, and Cluster B.

If they continue to attempt suicide and spend time in psychiatric facilities, it is up to them to work on their recovery.

Stop blaming "the girlfriend" for your friend's mental illness. You're also toxic!

Yeah I'm sorry about that, it's getting hard to regulate my emotions cause I'm so stressed. I do appreciate the response and you calling me out for that though.

 

[ruby09]

please dont blame urself, you are trying your best to help and thats all anyone can ask for, you can only do so much for someone that doesnt want to help themself unfortunately :( ive been in this situation before too and i really hope things get better for you. also im shook at how similar our names are i had to do a double take haha

 

[K9TOOTH]

Your friend is toxic, possibly codependent, and Cluster B.

If they continue to attempt suicide and spend time in psychiatric facilities, it is up to them to work on their recovery.

Stop blaming "the girlfriend" for your friend's mental illness. You're also toxic!

Oh god, I've read this over and over again and I believe he likely has borderline personality and either I or his girlfriend are his "favorite person." I'm already diagnosed with major depressive disorder so I don't think I'm in the right mind to handle any of this.

Also the girls still toxic? I'm not understanding if you're trying to direct all the blame on my friend even though yeah I agree partial part of the toxicity is certainly his fault and you've made me recognize that. She has cheated on and embarrassed him purposefully. I don't think that's a sign of a non-toxic person. Not trying to start an argument, I just don't believe the toxicity of the relationship can be shifted to one party.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

If a friendship causes you so much pain, maybe it's better for you to step away.
Your friend won't leave his girlfriend despite what she's been putting him through. Could very well be because he has a mental illness, sounds borderliney to me.

But whatever it may be, you are getting dragged down under as well

The only advice I can give you is, think carefully if this friendship is worth your sanity.

 

[Cress]

At some point you need to also protect yourself and set up boundaries. If helping your friend also destroys you I don't see it as a good trade off. When I was younger I destroyed many of my relationships with friends and family by acting similar to how your friend is. The sad part is even though it came with an extreme cost to my friends and family it only brought a small amount of comfort to me. I would strongly recommend you distance yourself from this person as much as you're able to. Protecting your mental health and well-being is Important. How can you expect to help anyone yourself if you're barely hanging on and you can barely think straight?

 

[Roseate]

I don't want to sound like a complete jerk but why not? He is just as accountable as she is. He is allowing it AND saying he is okay with it by staying. We allow ourselves the love we think we deserve, and he needs to make a decision cuz she won't leave until she gets bored toying with him and it is his choice to decide better for himself and leave. And if I were you, I would distance myself from them because I've seen toxic relationships and they'd rather stay and affect everyone else in their paths than to leave/end it and it's not worth it. If you're her friend, well I wouldn't want a person like that to be my friend to be honest cuz that reflects on me. If you're his friend, well not much you can do because you can't force him to leave and he won't leave until he decides it's enough for him/to love himself and leave.

 

[defunkt]

I got a full idea about your friends mental illness when you talked about the WiFi incident.

I feel like being in a toxic relationship is a vicious cycle.

I used to be in one and got gaslit and all kinds of messed up shit, he was both physically and mentally abusive.

But the way my mom dealt with a toxic man was to just not do anything because she never so much as raised a hand in return, but not me.

Whether it was my abusive brother, father or husband, I'm just the type of person to hit them back. So many times I would pick up anything that was lying around and fling it at them.

Other times I would literally just hit my ex.

Even though the physical damage they did was always far worse, because they were all naturally physically strong and I've always been naturally physically weaker than most.

Not only that but I let my ex be an asshole and cheat and what not, but I also started cheating on him. If not exactly going all the way, I did make out with some people and groped each other.

I used to have panic attacks so frequently I thought I was going mad.

But I was also just like what your friend does to you. I have read about borderline of course, but not been diagnosed.

But the point is, being in a toxic relationship, makes you unhinged and unhappy.

And sounds to me like you're as much in a toxic relationship with your friend as your friend is to that girl.

Heard the line: friends can break your heart too, that is what being in relationships with people who have toxic and narcissist behaviors.

My mom tried to deal with her situation by becoming toxic and narcissist herself.

People her age, especially if you're in Asian countries, they have ZERO self awareness.

And self awareness in general comes when you step out of relationships of this nature.

I stepped out and realized that that guy was nothing more than trash. That delulu rose glasses I was wearing shattered and I saw him as what he truly was, and I had zero feelings for him.

But while you are still in it, every day you will suffer until one of you gets sick of it and leaves.

I think maybe you don't see that you are in just as much of a toxic relationship as your friend.

The minute you get sick of it and leave and start moving on, is the day you will realize what is truly going on.

I've also noticed that when you are with someone like that, you're being gaslit and tormented, it takes away your ability to see clearly what is going on.

Because you're always fighting. With the person and with yourself.

That said I know how hard it is to get out of such a relationship because you become codependent. You become addicted to the mess, to the torment, even to the pain.

You want to leave but you start seeing the other person is also suffering and they are, let's face it.

You know it's not so cut and dry.

Because you care about them no matter how much they hurt you and you'll keep giving yourself excuses to stay. He's too vulnerable right now. He's going to kill himself, if I leave . No one understands him like I do..no one cares about him like I do.

And clearly both you and your friend have been giving yourself excuses to continue to stay.

But I honestly don't blame anyone for staying in relationships like this.

Life fucks you up and then you find that one person that gives you the delusional idea that love is real.

That you need them.

But in truth you're less addicted to the person than you are to the drama and the pain..

Sorry if that was harssh.

 

[derpyderpins]

Sorry this isn't very sensitive but I have to ask. Are YOU in love with him?

 

[K9TOOTH]

Sorry this isn't very sensitive but I have to ask. Are YOU in love with him?

I was at one point. We both liked each other abd dated but my feelings for him are platonic rn. We've just known each other for a while.

 

[derpyderpins]

I was at one point. We both liked each other abd dated but my feelings for him are platonic rn. We've just known each other for a while.

Any progress since you made the post?

 

[K9TOOTH]

Any progress since you made the post?

A little but not a lot, he's stopped hurting himself physically over her but he still goes back in the relationship. I'm sending a text tonight about distancing ourselves from each other.

 

[derpyderpins]

A little but not a lot, he's stopped hurting himself physically over her but he still goes back in the relationship. I'm sending a text tonight about distancing ourselves from each other.

Hey, honestly, good for you. You can reach out your hand to offer help but if they slap it away and run back to the abuser then at some point you have to protect yourself.
We can speculate and analyze why people choose to cling to someone when the relationship is toxic, and it is sad and frustrating, but often it's best to steer clear once the crazy starts affecting you.

 

[K9TOOTH]

Sorry if that was harssh.

It's not it explained exactly how I felt. Thank you.