Let me preface this with a couple of thoughts- 1) I know not everyone has the same experience with therapy as I do and 2) I'm sorry for using this as a place to vent but I just feel so twisted inside and just lost in general
As stated I know not everyone has the same experience with therapy as me. I'm actually ashamed to admit that right now I am currently seeing 2 therapists. The one I have been going to for about 4 years and he really helps. He 'gets' me just about as well as anyone who doesn't feel this way would. I'm able to talk to him about my thoughts about suicide without the fear of him having me sanctioned. Granted, I have never confessed to having a definite plan so that probably saves me somewhat. The nice thing is I have a place where I can go and just dump my thoughts and sometimes when I am challenged to see them from a different perspective it puts me in a better place for a little bit. I know that my appointments are something that I look forward to and that is a good thing. He actually was the one I called a few years ago when I made a half ass attempt to OD. So there is a lot of history there, I trust him and I guess to a certain extent I depend on him for his help. Besides for keeping my plan from him, I am honest about everything. I know not all therapists are good fits and this isn't the first one I have tried- but this therapist/client relationship seems to be pretty good for me. Part of me is worried though that I am going to run him off and that really would be the end for me. I have this fear that he is going to just give up on me. I mean that's part of the reason I now have two therapists- this one that really helps me felt I needed DBT which he doesn't do so he got me in touch with another therapist who offers DBT. Luckily he has continued to see me in addition to the DBT therapist- they both work in the same practice so I guess they are kind of working together to try to help me- if that makes sense.
Enter the DBT therapist. I have only been seeing her for about two months now. Probably not enough time in my world for me to know if I can trust her or not completely. I find I am not as honest with her about things. I also feel like she makes the challenges I am up against feel small and insignificant. Not by putting me down or anything but just by her suggesting that I relate to them, if that makes any sense. And maybe it does just have to do with the different thoughts and how they are approached in the different theories of mental health, I don't know.
I'm just so torn inside. I've been suicidal since I was 12 and I am now well into my 40's. I've never felt good enough, never felt worth anything. Lately, I think about CTB 24/7. I am afraid of failing at an attempt because that would just make things worse. I completely hate my job, the only reason I go is because I have bills to pay. On my days off I visit this website a lot usually lurking. I also spend a lot of time looking at the hashtag suicide on twitter- it consumes my thoughts. I'm afraid to order SN or N because I feel like I would be the one caught trying to do that. I have a method in mind, just not sure if I would be able to do it without failing.
I'm not even sure why I felt the need to post all this. I guess maybe just hoping that someone could relate a little bit to what I have to say. I'm not sure what is next for me. I want to CTB, but yet part of me wants to wait until at least after Tuesday because that is when I get to see the first therapist again. How messed up is that?
Anyhow thanks for reading and letting me vent
As stated I know not everyone has the same experience with therapy as me. I'm actually ashamed to admit that right now I am currently seeing 2 therapists. The one I have been going to for about 4 years and he really helps. He 'gets' me just about as well as anyone who doesn't feel this way would. I'm able to talk to him about my thoughts about suicide without the fear of him having me sanctioned. Granted, I have never confessed to having a definite plan so that probably saves me somewhat. The nice thing is I have a place where I can go and just dump my thoughts and sometimes when I am challenged to see them from a different perspective it puts me in a better place for a little bit. I know that my appointments are something that I look forward to and that is a good thing. He actually was the one I called a few years ago when I made a half ass attempt to OD. So there is a lot of history there, I trust him and I guess to a certain extent I depend on him for his help. Besides for keeping my plan from him, I am honest about everything. I know not all therapists are good fits and this isn't the first one I have tried- but this therapist/client relationship seems to be pretty good for me. Part of me is worried though that I am going to run him off and that really would be the end for me. I have this fear that he is going to just give up on me. I mean that's part of the reason I now have two therapists- this one that really helps me felt I needed DBT which he doesn't do so he got me in touch with another therapist who offers DBT. Luckily he has continued to see me in addition to the DBT therapist- they both work in the same practice so I guess they are kind of working together to try to help me- if that makes sense.
Enter the DBT therapist. I have only been seeing her for about two months now. Probably not enough time in my world for me to know if I can trust her or not completely. I find I am not as honest with her about things. I also feel like she makes the challenges I am up against feel small and insignificant. Not by putting me down or anything but just by her suggesting that I relate to them, if that makes any sense. And maybe it does just have to do with the different thoughts and how they are approached in the different theories of mental health, I don't know.
I'm just so torn inside. I've been suicidal since I was 12 and I am now well into my 40's. I've never felt good enough, never felt worth anything. Lately, I think about CTB 24/7. I am afraid of failing at an attempt because that would just make things worse. I completely hate my job, the only reason I go is because I have bills to pay. On my days off I visit this website a lot usually lurking. I also spend a lot of time looking at the hashtag suicide on twitter- it consumes my thoughts. I'm afraid to order SN or N because I feel like I would be the one caught trying to do that. I have a method in mind, just not sure if I would be able to do it without failing.
I'm not even sure why I felt the need to post all this. I guess maybe just hoping that someone could relate a little bit to what I have to say. I'm not sure what is next for me. I want to CTB, but yet part of me wants to wait until at least after Tuesday because that is when I get to see the first therapist again. How messed up is that?
Anyhow thanks for reading and letting me vent
