Even though I acquired that golden ticket and have a peaceful means to exit, I'm very scared. And not just for the usual reasons of what if it doesn't work or what if I survive with some sort of brain damage (which I know is extremely unlikely!) No, the only thing that keeps me here is this weird existential fear of missing out.
You know how pro-life people have this sunshine, and rainbows and unicorns view of life and the world and have this deluded idea that anyone and everyone who commits suicide would've eventually gotten better and been happy? I think I've been too affected. I keep thinking, sure I might be going through a horrific time right now and basically want to end it all on the daily, but what if one day, I don't know when, but one day it will all go away and my life will be amazing. By CTB'ing now I'll be depriving myself of the opportunity to have led an amazing and fulfilled and happy life. I think I've drunk that kool-aid. And today while I was in the shower, washing off gunk from yet another long medical test, I thought...why do I believe this? I have no idea how things are going to go. My life could just be fucking long and miserable and every day from here on out might be a nightmare.
I have a friend, he is young and very naïve (like most people when it comes to suicide). He thinks everyone can and should be saved and there's never any good reason to end your life. It's kind of surprising given he's from one of those liberal pro-euthanasia countries. He knows I have suicidal thoughts but not that I've actually acquired the means and it's going to stay that way, but any time I talk about my issues and how difficult it is and how it would be easier on me to just ctb he rolls out that whole "But you haven't tried every possible treatment yet" spiel. I've told him it's so ridiculous what he says. I'm only one person with limited funds, it's not like I can globetrot trying this or this wacky thing but he's like "Nope. And you'll never be able to try every treatment in the world therefore you can't kill yourself because you can't die unless you've tried everything." I love him but sometimes I get so fucking angry I have to stop talking to him for a few days.
Anyway, back to my original point. I was in the shower and I was thinking...I wish we all had some magical 8 ball that could show us our future. If I knew for sure that my life would just be miserable for the most part I'd have no problems CTB today. But I don't know and it's so fucking hard because there's always going to be that uncertainty of what if things get better? And since other parts of my life are fine (relationship, work etc, well I don't work now coz I'm sick but I could if I wasn't) it's even that much harder.
My close friend VoidDesirer22 departed last weekend, as far as I know he is gone since he said he would message me asap if he was still alive, and while I am so fucking sad to not have him anymore and to not be able to talk to him whenever I want I admire his resolve. He was decisive about his future. And I'm here stuck in fucking limbo with what ifs.
You know how pro-life people have this sunshine, and rainbows and unicorns view of life and the world and have this deluded idea that anyone and everyone who commits suicide would've eventually gotten better and been happy? I think I've been too affected. I keep thinking, sure I might be going through a horrific time right now and basically want to end it all on the daily, but what if one day, I don't know when, but one day it will all go away and my life will be amazing. By CTB'ing now I'll be depriving myself of the opportunity to have led an amazing and fulfilled and happy life. I think I've drunk that kool-aid. And today while I was in the shower, washing off gunk from yet another long medical test, I thought...why do I believe this? I have no idea how things are going to go. My life could just be fucking long and miserable and every day from here on out might be a nightmare.
I have a friend, he is young and very naïve (like most people when it comes to suicide). He thinks everyone can and should be saved and there's never any good reason to end your life. It's kind of surprising given he's from one of those liberal pro-euthanasia countries. He knows I have suicidal thoughts but not that I've actually acquired the means and it's going to stay that way, but any time I talk about my issues and how difficult it is and how it would be easier on me to just ctb he rolls out that whole "But you haven't tried every possible treatment yet" spiel. I've told him it's so ridiculous what he says. I'm only one person with limited funds, it's not like I can globetrot trying this or this wacky thing but he's like "Nope. And you'll never be able to try every treatment in the world therefore you can't kill yourself because you can't die unless you've tried everything." I love him but sometimes I get so fucking angry I have to stop talking to him for a few days.
Anyway, back to my original point. I was in the shower and I was thinking...I wish we all had some magical 8 ball that could show us our future. If I knew for sure that my life would just be miserable for the most part I'd have no problems CTB today. But I don't know and it's so fucking hard because there's always going to be that uncertainty of what if things get better? And since other parts of my life are fine (relationship, work etc, well I don't work now coz I'm sick but I could if I wasn't) it's even that much harder.
My close friend VoidDesirer22 departed last weekend, as far as I know he is gone since he said he would message me asap if he was still alive, and while I am so fucking sad to not have him anymore and to not be able to talk to him whenever I want I admire his resolve. He was decisive about his future. And I'm here stuck in fucking limbo with what ifs.
