Venting some older poetry of mine

[sannoji]

(maybe more of an elaborate vent than poetry at this point. still, it helps more to get it out of my system poetically.)

Spoiler: tw: descriptions of violence

void​

i'm trying to remember where the hole was carved
the hole that resides inside of me.
was it my stomach?
down where all the feelings go to rest
where the warmth gathers
and where the dread drops like a dumbbell crushing my organs
and where the hunger of 24 or so hours aches so deliciously.

i'm trying to remember where the hole was carved
the hole that resides inside of me.
was it lower still?
where he took away something, with no regard to me
where it's scary to be touched but i trust you
i trust you so you can do it
(like all the people before you)
(makes you wonder if you're even special)

i'm trying to remember where the hole was carved
the hole that resides inside of me.
was it my chest?
the place where my heart should be.
if you stab there i'll certainly bleed out
perhaps the agony will spurt out along with the blood.
it's where love is stored, i suppose
though my heart is black and filled with hate
and anger and that's everything i am.

i'm trying to remember where the hole was carved
the hole that resides inside of me.
was it my head?
where the thoughts tear their way out of my brain with serrated claws
perhaps the hole is their escape route
perhaps that's why i can never think.
after all, it's why i do these things
it's why i'm so awful and so filthy and it's why you hate me
(why do you hate me?)

i'm trying to remember where the hole was carved
the hole that resides inside of me-
i'll never know.
how do you find out what's missing
without even knowing what's there?

so just.

just carve out my eye with a spoon
slash my stomach and yank out my guts
smash my skull and my joints and everything
squash my heart flat with the sole of your shoe
and i'll become a human black hole.
please let me never feel anything again
nothing at all nothing at all nothing at all
(i'll be nothing at all)