Some kinf of a recovery, or a truce.

[Fehler]

I didn't think to see myself in this section when I joined the forum because I didn't see a hope, I still don't see it, but not having been able in the previous attempts in addition to having "exploded" on last Thursday, made me rethink some things. At first I wanted to at least try to see a psychologist because after almost a decade with suicidal ideations I thought it was time, to try at least.
Although I had the option of going to the private, I refused to spend money on this so I tried the public one. I did not have very good experiences with on it, but I didn't expect a wait of 3 weeks-1 month...another thing that surprises me is that the doctor told me that I would have the appointment with the psychiatrist first, when normal is 1st psychologist and he redirects you to the psychologist, or so I think.

The days before the call for the appointment I had a really bad time, even after having talked about it for a few minutes on the phone with trivial questions: Do you sleep well? Have you been to therapy before? Not how I was at that time, or if I had any intention of doing it...
I still want to leave, but once I made an appointment I was curious what to expect for now these 3 weeks.

I wanted to look to socialize, even if I forced myself to do so, in addition to being something more active, which in part I already was before because I went out every day to skate or take a walk, but afterwards I locked/isolated myself again.
I was looking to join a gym rather than to get in shape, to try to socialize…and for the pool and sauna

There is also the issue of smoking although for now I am only trying to reduce the dose. For now is one of the few things that calms me down.

My last attempt was at the beginning of the month and I decided to do something by the end of the month, or change or ctb; I do not think there will be any noticeable change with the little that remains of the month, but for now I am looking to do things...although the truth is I have little patience.
If I didn't see an improvement or feel better about myself, it would end up happening anyway, and even more so if I don't get a good impression after the first date, I don't think I have the patience or desire to find another one after so much waiting.

At least having the SN at hand reassures me, I still have the paranoia that it could have gone to nitrate because I had left it open for about 30 minutes on my first try...but I think I can throw away the first layer cause I still have quite..

 

[timf]

Often thoughts can funnel down to "the act". When this happens, it may not represent a fair perspective of life as other elements have often been pushed aside. This can cause a distortion as "the act" can loom larger in the absence of other life elements.

If one desires to experiment in coming back from "the edge", such a path might best start with intentionally opening up to peripheral aspects such as entertainment, amusements, or even things like outdoor activities. It sounds like you are already exploring this aspect.

Sometimes a person can feel immense relief when they consider ctb. This can mistakenly be taken as confirmation of a plan, when it may actually represent the relief to be found in disassociation from negative driving dynamics. For example, a person driven to the brink by a toxic person may feel relief in that it will soon be over. However, the real relief comes from a disconnection from the toxic person.

The path to recovery has both elements of maintaining disconnection from the negative as well as starting to connect with the positive.