author
they/them
- Jul 13, 2021
- 76
My good therapist went on maternity leave, and the first therapist I'm matched with in another practice is just... Awful.
The first session she kept cutting me off and wouldn't let me explain the reason I was there because she was "challenging" my thought process. She wouldn't have needed to "challenge" it if she let me finish speaking. Like... I understand what she was trying to do, but that needs to wait until after the intake is finished. You can't jump into that or you won't get the full story - and she didn't. I calmly told her that this upset me but I gave her another chance with a second session.
Second session, she interrupts me less, but she doesn't really say anything helpful - and instead says something that really sticks in my brain...
"People can never be there for you in the way we need them to."
What a pessimistic thing for a therapist to say, but it stuck in the back of my head.
For the next two weeks, it echoed in my mind endlessly. It was like hearing the words of my inner self-hatred spoken by another person - the voice that tells me nothing is worth it. I almost pulled away from my friends completely. They noticed, too, and reached out to me several times. They were actually worried about me, but I was too lost in my own head and escapism. I now had two voices telling me that people would hate me, disappoint me, and never truly love me.
We had to skip a week, but we just had the third session today. I almost cried barely 17 minutes in - not because I was talking through my issues and bringing them to light, but because she was repeating the same type of narrative to me.
"People will always disappoint us."
I was pretty much done at that point. I almost cried telling her that I wanted a new therapist, because that thought process was extremely harmful to me. She "challenged" me again, asking if anyone was ever really there for me.
"I have friends who are there for me."
"Are they ever NOT there for you?"
"I mean, sometimes they're busy with work, but isn't everyone sometimes-?"
"AH, SEE, sometimes they're not there for you!"
I hated that. A lot. She didn't believe me when I said her words were feeding my depression and making me want to pull away from other people. I was fighting myself in my head as I listened to her go on about how I need to be less dependent on people because we'll never be fulfilled by friends. Blatant bullshit, but it's literally what my own head tries to convince me of, so hearing it from another person (a second time) was horrible. When I told her I wasn't dependent on people, she didn't seem to believe me because she gave a very sarcastic and exaggerated "You're not?"
I'm someone who's gone through a lot of therapy and done a lot of introspection on myself. People always treated me like I was the monster - I was the scapegoat child, the "insane friend", the one who was "asking for it" - and so I sought endlessly to improve myself. At some point, I had to realize that I was not the only person to blame for everything and anything. I told her this, too. She just didn't understand that.
She grossly misunderstood me because she didn't bother to let me explain myself to her.
When she told me she was a CBT therapist, it made a little more sense. I've never had good experiences with those therapists. I understand they're people, and people are all different, but that therapy style doesn't work well with me. I was raised in a volatile environment, and having someone cut me off before I can explain myself is kind of triggering - and honestly, bad practice for a therapist to continuously do anyways.
She talked about how she tried to meet me where I was, and that she can't change her training, and I told her I understood - but it all felt very defensive. She's referring me to someone else now, or at least, I hope she is.
I refuse to go to another session with her, even if I'm not transferred to another therapist. I can't wait until my old therapist is off maternity leave...
The first session she kept cutting me off and wouldn't let me explain the reason I was there because she was "challenging" my thought process. She wouldn't have needed to "challenge" it if she let me finish speaking. Like... I understand what she was trying to do, but that needs to wait until after the intake is finished. You can't jump into that or you won't get the full story - and she didn't. I calmly told her that this upset me but I gave her another chance with a second session.
Second session, she interrupts me less, but she doesn't really say anything helpful - and instead says something that really sticks in my brain...
"People can never be there for you in the way we need them to."
What a pessimistic thing for a therapist to say, but it stuck in the back of my head.
For the next two weeks, it echoed in my mind endlessly. It was like hearing the words of my inner self-hatred spoken by another person - the voice that tells me nothing is worth it. I almost pulled away from my friends completely. They noticed, too, and reached out to me several times. They were actually worried about me, but I was too lost in my own head and escapism. I now had two voices telling me that people would hate me, disappoint me, and never truly love me.
We had to skip a week, but we just had the third session today. I almost cried barely 17 minutes in - not because I was talking through my issues and bringing them to light, but because she was repeating the same type of narrative to me.
"People will always disappoint us."
I was pretty much done at that point. I almost cried telling her that I wanted a new therapist, because that thought process was extremely harmful to me. She "challenged" me again, asking if anyone was ever really there for me.
"I have friends who are there for me."
"Are they ever NOT there for you?"
"I mean, sometimes they're busy with work, but isn't everyone sometimes-?"
"AH, SEE, sometimes they're not there for you!"
I hated that. A lot. She didn't believe me when I said her words were feeding my depression and making me want to pull away from other people. I was fighting myself in my head as I listened to her go on about how I need to be less dependent on people because we'll never be fulfilled by friends. Blatant bullshit, but it's literally what my own head tries to convince me of, so hearing it from another person (a second time) was horrible. When I told her I wasn't dependent on people, she didn't seem to believe me because she gave a very sarcastic and exaggerated "You're not?"
I'm someone who's gone through a lot of therapy and done a lot of introspection on myself. People always treated me like I was the monster - I was the scapegoat child, the "insane friend", the one who was "asking for it" - and so I sought endlessly to improve myself. At some point, I had to realize that I was not the only person to blame for everything and anything. I told her this, too. She just didn't understand that.
She grossly misunderstood me because she didn't bother to let me explain myself to her.
When she told me she was a CBT therapist, it made a little more sense. I've never had good experiences with those therapists. I understand they're people, and people are all different, but that therapy style doesn't work well with me. I was raised in a volatile environment, and having someone cut me off before I can explain myself is kind of triggering - and honestly, bad practice for a therapist to continuously do anyways.
She talked about how she tried to meet me where I was, and that she can't change her training, and I told her I understood - but it all felt very defensive. She's referring me to someone else now, or at least, I hope she is.
I refuse to go to another session with her, even if I'm not transferred to another therapist. I can't wait until my old therapist is off maternity leave...
