Sol Pais

[aviation]

JOURNAL

She shot herself in 2019. This is her website. I wish I could've talked to her. There are a lot of things in this journal I know the feeling of, specifically page 9, and the homesickness in it. I'm tired of the constant language barrier between me and everyone in this world. Not even language, but what shapes it, leads up to it. Groundwork. Being. Not a lack of belonging here, but a belonging somewhere else. I will never be able to describe the beauty or feeling of my home to anyone. The depth of feeling, the scope of it, the, just, sheer depth. Everything here is just surface, a shell, in comparison. I'm tired of it. I'm so very tired, because it's all wrong on a true level, in, everything I feel, everything I can think, all of my beliefs, the way I can process things, my values - they are shaped by my groundwork, and that is not of this world, it is that of home. And it's in everything. In the way people here are, in how they work, in how this place applies things, the weight that things have here, on a level that is just 'reality' to people here, and they don't even notice it, then, in the same way happiness would mean nothing without a contrast to it - it would just be 'what there is', and therefore not noticed. If you don't have a contrast of what is set as the way reality applies itself in your world, you don't have a contrast to recognize it with. The way things feel here, the lack of... depth, scope in it, the way weight and things apply themselves here, the way people here 'are'... what can be understood here, the limits and outsets and groundwork of this world, the alien nature of everyone and everything around me, and that's not an abstract notion, it's just that this is not my world and these are not my people, and I know my people, and I want to be back with them so badly. I want to be back with what I understand, the way I understand people and things to work, truly fully experience what I know and understand on an inuitive, innate level again, because my home is part of my groundwork. It is me. It is what shapes me, and everything I know about reality is shaped by this. It's felt like a really bizarre long turbulent vacation, my time here, in the sense of how I can feel about things here, the connections I can make, the things I am capable of understanding. I feel the barrier of being from different worlds, and what this truly means, in everything, and every interaction. I am not so very neutral the way it appears, but my values do not apply to this world. My understanding does not apply to this world, it applies to my home. The way I even can be. And none of this can be understood by anyone who hasn't experienced it. Soon, I will get to return home, and I mean this literally, experience everything in my memories, all the places I remember so incredibly well and it hurts so much to be away. I want to feel my home again, the warmth of it, the depth of it, the scope of it, the beauty of it, the, just... 'more' that it is. I will soon, and I've reached the end of my time here, I feel tired and 'stretched' - and it makes me smile very much, to think of.

This has been somewhere between venting and not. Maybe it's just being honest. Some of the things I read in this journal connected with me, and it led me somewhere.

 

[Makko]

I know that feeling, though this is not so much a vacation as it is exile.

 

[FuneralCry]

This is really beautifully written. I can imagine it must be painful to be away from the place you call home. I wish you well.

 

[Kattt]

The most serious attempts are usually pretty unexpected
Last time I can't even remember leaving the house

 

[motel rooms]

I'm tired of the constant language barrier between me and everyone in this world. Not even language, but what shapes it, leads up to it. Groundwork. Being. Not a lack of belonging here, but a belonging somewhere else. I will never be able to describe the beauty or feeling of my home to anyone.

Soon, I will get to return home, and I mean this literally, experience everything in my memories, all the places I remember so incredibly well and it hurts so much to be away. I want to feel my home again, the warmth of it, the depth of it, the scope of it, the beauty of it, the, just... 'more' that it is.

No other being on this planet is/was from your noble home? Not even Plato with his Theory of Forms/Ideas? You're not borrowing anything from it?

 

[aviation]

No other being on this planet is/was from your noble home?

I feel the barrier of being from different world in everything and every interaction. This does not mean I would necessarily feel it in every future interaction, if it were possible to have every interaction I could potentially have, as any such interpretation can only ever go as far as observation does, and while I would recognize someone from my home, immediately, in the connection, in talking, in how they think and feel and are, I haven't talked to every single person in this world. :^)
I wouldn't wish to spend my life with only a what-if, though, and there's more to it than simply being alone here.

You're not borrowing anything from it?

Please explain what you mean, I'm curious.

 

[Dysgenic Pup]

This is her last.fm, which recorded the last songs she listened to. Sometimes I listen to some of these songs and try to envision what she may have been feeling or experiencing listening to these songs knowing it's gonna be her last day on Earth.

There are some stories such Sol Pais' that when I hear about it, I never seem to forget it.

 

[aviation]

Sometimes I listen to some of these songs and try to envision what she may have been feeling or experiencing listening to these songs knowing it's gonna be her last day on Earth.

No one can know, of course, but, I very much know the feeling of, soon returning to your own reality, when you've spent so long away from it. I'll get to experience that soon, too. :)