Being autistic is so insanely difficult, and the adversity of the autistic experience is always downplayed especially in recent years, where the condition has become a hot media topic. It always felt like I was cursed from the get go. Trying to mimic and peacock complex social behaviours is HARD. You aren't alone in this respect, though I know it isn't much consolation.
I'm a couple years younger than you, and a woman, but I really relate to being unable to 'play the game' like neurotypicals can. For most of my life, I didn't know I was autistic (feeling like I was an alien and a freak ever since early childhood but never knowing why) and my family hid the fact that I was going to be diagnosed from me. Whenever I hit the age where I was allowed to make my own autonomous medical decisions, I was diagnosed very quickly because the signs were all incredibly obvious, but by that point the damage had already been done.
Ever since I got the diagnosis all those years ago, and even before, I tried really hard to work on my social skills. I have consistently put myself out there, and been in numerous uncomfortable situations to try and make myself less autistic and mask it. Instead, I am even more mute and tired than before, despite making some strides with my social abilities. I am sure other autistic people can relate, adult socialising is full of various minefields and expectations and it is really hard to play the game.
Being awkward or shy is cute as a kid, but when we grow up we lose so much kindness from others when we don't develop socially. It's as if people expect the disability to vanish once you hit a certain age. It's such bullshit, especially when you make consistent efforts but will never pass as anything close to resembling normal. The expectations of adulthood, especially corporate roleplay, are really difficult for an autistic person to manage and few people realize this and give us leeway.
Me, you, and the others in this thread are all at the age or approaching the age where we're surrounded by marriage, kids, and career talk. Which I don't know about anyone else, but so much of this is stressful and undesirable to me. As a woman, I am judged very harshly by my appearance and mannerisms, but sensory issues make wearing makeup or certain clothing a torturous experience for me. It doesn't help that I also have what people call an "autism face". I put effort into my clothing and I have a unique sense of style, but I'm still ugly and have a strange, disabled gait.
People really lack respect for me because of my autistic behaviours. I'm sure you all can also relate to this. No matter how much I try to conceal it, people always can tell that something is off about me. Other women and men usually don't find me attractive and throughout my life I have never been anyone's first choice, so I often attract partners who are volatile and hate me because I am disabled and struggling, because they want to be the one being taken care of, desiring a confident, strong woman. I am always taken advantage of because I am visibly autistic and meek, and I hate it.
I've had a part time job for several years which I like, and people there treat me with respect even though I make a lot of mistakes and am weird. My contract will expire soon and I want to try to see if I can manage working full time when I'm eligible because they will work around my health problems.
However, despite working there for years and being knowledgeable about many different aspects of the company and working in various teams, always offering to help others and pull my weight, I highly doubt I am going to be hired because there are many cheerful, conventionally attractive, neurotypical, "normal" people applying for the role. Other people told me this several times, if it's between me and a neurotypical, able bodied person applying for jobs, they will not pick me.
Despite many governments and organisations saying they value diversity and want to hire disabled people, but this could not be further from the truth. Many times I have applied for jobs where the employer is legally required to interview disabled candidates if they meet the specifications/qualifications. Unsurprisingly, I did not get an interview for any of those jobs. Because I am a slow, dumb, and ugly autistic woman, and not a quirky savant genius, I might as well be worthless.
I agree with you 100% how grating and soul crushing the constant competitiveness of social interactions is. It's hard to find genuine and understanding people in this world. I've spent years trying to develop my social skills and did make some friends (albeit they're usually autistic too or don't fit social norms in some way) though I will never be considered anyone's best friend or their first choice. Typically I am nothing more than an acquaintance and don't get to have deep or close connections with anyone. So many times I have made friends or been interested in talking to someone only for them to ditch me for someone who was cooler or more interesting. Everything is competitive and superficial, somehow.
I wish that all of us autistic people didn't have to feel like an alien species.
