Venting social anxiety ruining my life

[wolverine]

When I was younger we moved schools during a time of upheaval in my life. I had lost a family member, was now going to lose my friends and all of the people I was close to, and then I was deposited into a sucky city with an even worse school system. I was sort of bullied by a girl in my first year at that school, but It certainly wasn't comparable to the level of bullying other people have endured, I just remember being insulted.

I believe it ruined my life. I was gifted, outgoing, and innocent before we moved, then I just lost that. I still struggle to understand my transition between being able to walk up to people and introduce myself to being afraid to grab the mail from the mailbox because I feared our neighbors would see me. I only had/have one friend who I could talk to online that I held onto before I moved. Other than him I made zero at the in person school, and then my parents moved me to online schooling later due to anxiety. They kept it that way when the pandemic came around later on. I went months without leaving the house, and now I'm stupid because I lost all interest in putting any real effort into school. Maybe I've lost brainpower because I forget as I read and just cannot learn things.

At my age I should have a job and think about moving out as my brother has, but I just feel crippled. The longer I feel crippled the more I waste everyone's time and money. The birth control to manage my pcos costs money, food costs money, every time I take a shower it costs, I feel guilty for even existing. My dad has helped convince me that now, all of my failings are my fault because I can't put myself out there, but I genuinely get nauseous and sweaty when I think about putting myself in a position like that. I think in middle school I started to seriously consider suicide, but rather than working towards fixing my education I just stayed lazy because nobody was pressuring me to learn while I was alone in my room.

I think its ruined my ability to even socialize online. I've lurked on this forum for so long without saying anything because I feel like I'm going to colossally fuck up and look stupid. I quit them a long time ago, but I can't even really play video games anymore because people are pretty scary.

 

[unluckysadness]

Social anxiety ruined my life too

 

[PrincessSaturn]

I'm so sorry friend :( Social Anxiety is no joke. It sucks to feel trapped indoors because of your fears while at the same time being aware that those behaviors are ruining your life; a doomed cycle.

For what its worth, i doubt many on this forum would judge you harshly for your struggles. We've all got heaps of our own to feel ashamed about. Feel free to reach out to me if you want to talk about it deeper with no judgements (or i can reach out instead if you prefer).

Regardless I hope this is something that gets better for you.

 

[patheticparasite]

Just a thought from an old social phobic: If someone offers to talk, take them up on it. These opportunities don't come often.

What's a bit inconvenient here on SaSu is that new members with few posts can't send or receive private messages. I'm not sure what the exact post count is that enables PMs, but I have the option here for PrincessSaturn with 22 posts, so it shouldn't take too long.

Welcome to SaSu.

 

[1nonlylonrr]

i deeply relate and resonate with your experience, no literally. my youngest sister is learning to drive and i don't even have my permit, it's so painful to here my brother tell me time and time again to "learn to drive" "stop being lazy" "do school" i want to scream at my family and tell them the truth about my situation but i can't bc i know they'd try to stop me. hearing my dad tell me to "grow up" hearing them tell me "take responsibility" they have no fucking idea how bad i want to… i've been debilitated and incapable of anything for years.

they think this is naturally how i am, i yearn and desire to have a social life even now as low as i am, and i wanted to move out at 15, i tried to get a job at 16 but was too depressed and had to quit they think i did that of my own free will. like i choose every day to live like this??? to be miserable??
years and years of talking to the wall abt my situation, i can't even talk about it anymore bc ive dissociated so much i forget stuff. everything is too triggering i just don't know.

 

[katara]

Ok that first paragraph is too relevant to me.
I was never gifted but when my mom moved us, everything got worse for me, never even graduated high school. Worse of all is we live in Florida. I hate everyone here, it's disgusting. There's nobody to talk to where I live and it's extremely isolating. Sometimes I wish there would be gangs and people getting shot so my mom would feel guilty for moving me here and ruining my life.

 

[Grimlock]

I relate a lot to this , mostly that last part. The guilt of knowing you are burdening others because of the inability to perform is all too familiar to me. The people around me just bash me a lot and I can't help but think all the failings in my life are my own fault, even if it is well beyond my control. I just feel paralyzed in fear whenever I try to confront the situations and try to improve my life. The confusion and lack of a support system lead me to fall into a similar situation where I got used to isolation and started phoning it in for pretty much everything in life.

Still now I am scared of the world and not sure how I am to get over my anxiety issues. Always thought maladapted people like me were meant to fail anyway, what does it matter if the failures of life take themself out. This forum is the only part of the internet where I don't feel I have to lurk and can give my honest thoughts. This is pretty much a last stop for me anyway.