I'll keep my background as short as possible - due to the nature of my physical disability, as well as being autistic, socialising with people has always been hard. Feeling fulfilled from the activity itself is rare, since I suffer from low empathy and generalised apathy.
One thing that I've noticed long ago is that leading your life is a very social activity in itself. Basically you have your family, in other words your first direct community, then you go to school, where you find your first friends (if you're lucky enough), university is the same with networking, work is collaboration, you get the idea. I have negative experiences in all of these aspects - I had family abuse, I couldn't make friends in school until the very last years (and we're drifting apart either way), office work was mentally taxing, I went to university twice and by that point already I don't feel the desire to get to know the people.
Even so, a lot of the stuff that I enjoy, which are creative projects (indie games, movies made by students, theatre plays, books/manga), in one way or another, are inspired by personal experiences. The more rich the creator's experience has been, the more creative the project will come out and often, this experience is the accumulation of all sorts of people that the creator has met and interacted with. Umineko is a collaboration of two quite close and dear friends, Silksong is made by a team of 3 people with love towards game development, Hideo Kojima loves collaborating with actors, etc.
With the way I have led my life, there's very few things I can share about. And there's nothing much I can work with. I hardly get inspired from my surroundings, I struggle to feel the weight and the significance of the few remaining social connections I have, and as I said already, I can't feel the desire or the motivation to seek out new things. With this kind of thought process, I've always reached to the same conclusion - there'd be no use of me existing. What's the use of my identity, personality and existence when there's nothing in them? I can always extend living to see another day, but then I don't do anything about it.
I've done a lot of cbt planning, but I am passive about dying too. I have done only one close attempt, although SI kicked in before I tried to push myself further into it. Even so, I am still assured firmly that one day I will inevitably die, given that I continue to do cbt plans. Otheriwse, I do feel miserable imagining my 30s looking the same as my current 20s. There's really not much of a point in living if you are not going to be active and present in other people's lives and creating experiences with them.
One thing that I've noticed long ago is that leading your life is a very social activity in itself. Basically you have your family, in other words your first direct community, then you go to school, where you find your first friends (if you're lucky enough), university is the same with networking, work is collaboration, you get the idea. I have negative experiences in all of these aspects - I had family abuse, I couldn't make friends in school until the very last years (and we're drifting apart either way), office work was mentally taxing, I went to university twice and by that point already I don't feel the desire to get to know the people.
Even so, a lot of the stuff that I enjoy, which are creative projects (indie games, movies made by students, theatre plays, books/manga), in one way or another, are inspired by personal experiences. The more rich the creator's experience has been, the more creative the project will come out and often, this experience is the accumulation of all sorts of people that the creator has met and interacted with. Umineko is a collaboration of two quite close and dear friends, Silksong is made by a team of 3 people with love towards game development, Hideo Kojima loves collaborating with actors, etc.
With the way I have led my life, there's very few things I can share about. And there's nothing much I can work with. I hardly get inspired from my surroundings, I struggle to feel the weight and the significance of the few remaining social connections I have, and as I said already, I can't feel the desire or the motivation to seek out new things. With this kind of thought process, I've always reached to the same conclusion - there'd be no use of me existing. What's the use of my identity, personality and existence when there's nothing in them? I can always extend living to see another day, but then I don't do anything about it.
I've done a lot of cbt planning, but I am passive about dying too. I have done only one close attempt, although SI kicked in before I tried to push myself further into it. Even so, I am still assured firmly that one day I will inevitably die, given that I continue to do cbt plans. Otheriwse, I do feel miserable imagining my 30s looking the same as my current 20s. There's really not much of a point in living if you are not going to be active and present in other people's lives and creating experiences with them.
