so sad today

[needthebus]

so sad today. i think i would be happier on meds right now, but won't go on them because my experience with the mental health field has been too terrible, and you either opt in or opt out to how they do things, so i opt out, but am sad

every moment feels like just every nerve in my brain is raw an unexposed and just getting damaged, like paper cuts all over my brain

i've been using non-psychiatric drugs to try to feel better, but feel worse the next day. non-psychiatric drugs are a lot like using a credit card to buy shit to feel happy. it sort of works in the short term, but it's a pretty stupid decision.

i haven't used drugs today. but probably will. i have so much fucking shit to do, and i am so behind, and so poor. i feel like the cards in the house of cards that is my life are all wobbling and i am watching them collapse in slow motion, watching the jenga puzzle wobble, i just know this isn't going to end well, i know the future is going to be painful and awful, I just don't know how

the question isn't pain or not, it's which kind of pain

i'm not ready to catch the bus yet though. it's not because i haven't tried to get better or think things will get better. i have tried psychiatry and therapy and hospitalization and they have all felt like a giant pit to burn money in. for me, they did nothing and made things worse. probably a low dose of lithium would help just because it tends to prevent suicide, but if i go to a psychiatrist for low dose lithium I'll get a shot of risperidal in my ass at best and locked up at worst. i also can't negotiate with these people beforehand: i want medication but only if it's low dose and you agree not to hospitalize me, sound good? they won't say yes

i am so fucking poor. i hate how poor i am. i am not on the street, but financially i feel so scared and i can't imagine how awful it is for people who are homeless

the world is so hard sometimes. i am sorry if reading this made anyone feel worse. i am so lonely and unhappy. and i am so indecisive and feeling weak, and i don't want to be that way, and it's just the wrong time to feel that way, i don't have time to be slow or feel weak or even use drugs or use psych meds or be here. i need to do things so i don't wind up homeless and i need to work and i'm just crumbling.

the people in this world who allow homelessness to exist are evil

 

[KillingPain267]

the world is so hard sometimes. i am sorry if reading this made anyone feel worse.

Nah, you sharing your experience makes me know I am not alone, because I can relate to most of what you're saying.

the people in this world who allow homelessness to exist are evil

I agree with this so much! Especially since when you look at the numbers, there are landlords owning more apartments and houses that are EMPTY than there are homeless people! Those landlords own empty unused homes and lock them up from the homeless using them because the homeless can't afford the rent which would profit the landlords. Just in America there are 15.1 million vacant homes. And there are currently 28 vacant homes for every one person experiencing homelessness in the US. It's totally evil. If the homeless go and just live in one of those vacant homes, they will be called "squatters" and legally (violently) persecuted. It's not impossible to house the homeless (ALL of 'em), Finland has close to 0 homeless due to government programs. Hell, even Cuba has 0 homelessness.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't say much but I know what it feels like to be sad. I also know what it can feel like when that sadness is confusing and uneasy.

Feeling trapped especially and isolated by my own choices or lack thereof. Like you describe it as being a Jenga tower wobbling. It can take a long time to stack all the blocks so it can feel even harder when you have to pull away from it and move the pieces around. It all seems to start off as such a uniform tower but the foundation can get weaker as you build your way up towards the sky.

Minus here, addition there. Subtract this feeling here and add this feeling there. Taking away from your autonomy for the possibility of help. It can all feel so strange. It's really hard to explain it.

I like to think of it all as give or take. You give some of this and you can take some of that. Like I don't believe in the pure absence of anything so when you subtract something to add something it just moves from here to there. I feel like many of us worry about these subtractions or absences from our lives as if they're something missing from us for the hopes of gaining something else to fill in that empty hole we feel inside us. Maybe it doesn't need to be a hole maybe we can just add stuff to our lives to make it better.

I feel like so much of life is about math. +/- This or that. Trying to find that equation that makes sense to us. Trying to find equilibrium when building that tower up into the heavens. There never seem to be any easy answers. I think what helps me is just trying to make my thoughts and my life as simple as possible. Trying to make sure I don't wobble so much that my life topples over and spills out onto the floor. Overextending myself so much that I risk cascading rapidly into an even darker depression below me.

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. I hope for you the best of luck with whatever you are trying or hope to try. I do feel like good luck is really important in life more than most other things. Good luck to you.