Venting So much going and I'm still undecided

[mooncake]

My SN arrived the a few days ago, and it has put me in a strange mood. I can't even describe it to be honest.

In a way it calmed me down, because I know, I have my emergency exit sitting on my shelf, but on the other hand I'm not 100% comfortable with the method.

Things arround me are further falling, but lately ive been torn between wanting to try certain things, but wanting to leave even more.
I've still managed to go out more again, which is on part out of necessity and in part, to mask how I really feel.
And my mask seem to fit pretty well. I was offered a job, and I'm considering taking it, just for some extra income, that I could spend on N. But taking the job would kinda mean scamming my coworkers, by making them rely on me, knowing I won't be around to finish the job.

I've also started talking to a few people, who seem to be into me. One has specifically expressed that he is looking for commitment, and while I told him that I know I don't want that. Didn't turn him off, as he still wants to talk to me and "see where things go". I need social interaction, but I dont want any feelings to be involved. Neither romantic, nor platonic. Am I abusing these guys to not drown in complete isolation? I definitely can't go back to my friends, in order to combat loneliness.

After making changes to my recent style of "living", I've also noticed many people, who abandoned me, slowly coming back. This bothers me. I always had to be the friend that picks up everyone's pieces and puts them back together. I always had to make myself emotionally available and of course accessible at all times, in case someone needed me.
But when I'm struggling, I gotta do it on my own. I can't even vent to anyone, because it's "good vibes only" I guess.

Now that I put effort into making it look like I'm better, they ask me how I am.
The thing is, that I don't remeber what friendships are supposed to feel like. I'm no longer interested in sharing anything with them, and I don't trust, that they actually want to hear what I have to say.

This has affected my preparations too. At first I planned on making multiple videos explaining certain things. Then I decided to just make one video and keep track of my thoughts by writing them down. All because I didn't want to anyonye to be tortured by unanswered questions. But now, I'm not sure, I even matter enough, for unanswred questions to a problem.

While pretty much all of the things and worries, that have kept me here so far, seem to dissolve, I still dont know how to proceed, as long as I'm not at peace with my method.

 

[ecmnesia]

I can relate to your uncertainty, as i am on the verge of the same problem.

Personally, i dont see it as a problem for you to accept the job, truth is employees are easily replaceable, your bosses might get behind their schedule or something, but it's a relatively fixable issue. On the other hand, if you are really looking for cbt I believe you should not get involved with someone who is seeking for commitment, you will only end up hurting and traumatizing this person just as she is starting to hope for something with you. I guess, it'd be ok if your relationship is casual, like a one time thing and all, since there is no chance either of you will get attached, but if you talk, and share stuff with this person, than it will probably be fucked up to cbt. Also, it might refrain you from cbt, as many users in this forum mentioned.

About your so called "friends"... they are not your friends at all, they are just convenient people. They do not seek to help you, nor they care for you on a deep level. It's quite a coincidence that they were gone before, and now that you are apparently better they suddenly show up. You should not feel obligated to interact with them, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me to be honest and that's the major reason why I got away from the majority of my "friends".

 

[Ghost2211]

Take it one day at a time. If there is still things you want to try or experience take the time to do so. The SN will be there if you want it, and it's shelf life is exceedingly long. Having it doesn't mean it has to be used, but rather that you always have that safety net.

 

[mooncake]

I can relate to your uncertainty, as i am on the verge of the same problem.

I'm sorry to hear that

Personally, i dont see it as a problem for you to accept the job, truth is employees are easily replaceable, your bosses might get behind their schedule or something, but it's a relatively fixable issue.

Its a bit more complicated I'm afraid. My was supposed to go back to school in november, but my current coworkers asked me to stay part time in a position, that previously didn't exist, and was only created because they liked the way I did things. So I feel like I'd leave them stranded if I just peaced out like that in the middle of a project.

On the other hand, if you are really looking for cbt I believe you should not get involved with someone who is seeking for commitment, you will only end up hurting and traumatizing this person just as she is starting to hope for something with you. I guess, it'd be ok if your relationship is casual, like a one time thing and all, since there is no chance either of you will get attached, but if you talk, and share stuff with this person, than it will probably be fucked up to cbt. Also, it might refrain you from cbt, as many users in this forum mentioned.

I mean I was very direct and told him, I might not be what he is looking for, and that I am sure that I don't want any serious. But he is still here...so idk if changed his mind on casual.
You are right though. Its just so hard to endure isolation. Can't interact with the people O already know, and shouldn't meet new people. Argh!

They do not seek to help you, nor they care for you on a You should not feel obligated to interact with them, I wouldn't want them anywhere near me to be honest and that's the major reason why I got away from the majority of my "friends".

 

[ecmnesia]

I'm sorry to hear that


Its a bit more complicated I'm afraid. My was supposed to go back to school in november, but my current coworkers asked me to stay part time in a position, that previously didn't exist, and was only created because they liked the way I did things. So I feel like I'd leave them stranded if I just peaced out like that in the middle of a project.


I mean I was very direct and told him, I might not be what he is looking for, and that I am sure that I don't want any serious. But he is still here...so idk if changed his mind on casual.
You are right though. Its just so hard to endure isolation. Can't interact with the people O already know, and shouldn't meet new people. Argh!

unfortunately, tho I wanted to, I can't find the words to help you. I'm sorry you are going through all of this, and I hope you can find an answer. Always here to talk if you need to. Wish you the best.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

After making changes to my recent style of "living", I've also noticed many people, who abandoned me, slowly coming back. This bothers me. I always had to be the friend that picks up everyone's pieces and puts them back together. I always had to make myself emotionally available and of course accessible at all times, in case someone needed me.
But when I'm struggling, I gotta do it on my own. I can't even vent to anyone, because it's "good vibes only" I guess.

Now that I put effort into making it look like I'm better, they ask me how I am.

My impression is that they're hoovering. It's a term to describe when a narcissist tries to suck someone back in to get more supply.

If they were psychic vampires and were feeding off of you to be there for them and make them feel better, then when you were in a bad place, they refused reciprocity and bailed. Now that you're "pinking up," it's noticeable that you might be healthy enough to supply more life force to them. A vampire can't enter unless you invite them in.