Discussion So Many People Leaving Right Now

[WhyIsLife56]

Depends. I am suffering every single second of every single day since Stan left me. This pain is greater than I could have imagined. When the pain gets so great that I literally can't breathe and am curled up in a fetal position, I go to his thread and talk to him.

The pain for me is actually getting worse as time goes by.

However, I am glad I have that pain. I am glad I am suffering.

Yes. I know that sounds insane. But I look at it this way. I know how much pain and suffering I am in which will never go away.

However, Stan was my world. I loved him. I know he loved me. In different circumstances, I would have moved to the UK and we would have lived happily ever after.

His pain was so much greater than mine, that love didn't matter. I cannot fathom what kind of pain that was.

I would rather take any pain and suffering thrown my way knowing that he is out of it and is at peace.

BPD was one of Stan's protégés. She is with him right now which is where she wanted to be and honestly, where I so desperately want to be.

When you feel your pain, keep that in the back of your head. She is where she wanted to be, is out of her pain, and is at peace... and smile for her.

I don't like pain. I have been trying to avoid pain like the plague. I respect where you're coming from but I, especially as an antinatalist, see suffering and pain as a negative. If I wasn't born in the first place, I wouldn't need to suffer. But I'm suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

It's the time of year and unfortunately to be expected.

If anybody needs to talk, I will be here. PM me. I am here.

It's a good thing her death is affecting you. It meant her life mattered. You just gave her the highest compliment there is.

That, there... you are right. What a kind thing to say.

 

[k75]

I don't like pain. I have been trying to avoid pain like the plague. I respect where you're coming from but I, especially as an antinatalist, see suffering and pain as a negative. If I wasn't born in the first place, I wouldn't need to suffer. But I'm suffering. I don't want to suffer anymore.

Forgive me for butting in, but she's not saying the pain is good or that it's good that you're suffering. It's definitely not. She's just saying that the fact that it exists at all means BPD_LE was important, and that is good. It's subtle but very different at the same time.

 

[Return2Dust]

Thank you for starting this thread. I was overwhelmed with sadness reading the goodbyes threads last night and wanted to talk about them, but felt like it wasn't the right time. The bravery and grace of each exit - just wow! I'm struggling to find the words. Dealing with SI, yet finding peace and acceptance on the way out. It's bittersweet telling them goodbye.
Reading their threads makes me question my motives for wanting to ctb. I'm in an angry and broken place and I want to find this peace and acceptance before I go. My mind tells me every single day it's time to go, my heart tells me to look back on my life and find the "life is beautiful" pieces to clean up all my unfinished business and truly leave here in an I'm ready to go mindset.

 

[Jean4]

That, there... you are right. What a kind thing to say.

It's the way honestly I get through. I am alone. Nobody would know or care if I died. It would be as if I didn't exist or matter. However, people on this board would know. At least I had some purpose and meant something in this miserable life.

 

[k75]

It goes both ways, though. I mean, I have friends and family, but I still feel unimportant. I'm glad I won't be able to see my funeral, because I don't want to know I was right. I doubt I'll make a goodbye thread on here, because I'm really nobody, and I dont want to see proof of that.

 

[Jean4]

It goes both ways, though. I mean, I have friends and family, but I still feel unimportant. I'm glad I won't be able to see my funeral, because I don't want to know I was right. I doubt I'll make a goodbye thread on here, because I'm really nobody, and I dont want to see proof of that.

Cough. You are important to me and everybody here. Don't you ever forget that.

 

[k75]

Cough. You are important to me and everybody here. Don't you ever forget that.

Thank you. That's very kind of you to say.

 

[Return2Dust]

It goes both ways, though. I mean, I have friends and family, but I still feel unimportant. I'm glad I won't be able to see my funeral, because I don't want to know I was right. I doubt I'll make a goodbye thread on here, because I'm really nobody, and I dont want to see proof of that.

You are important and we'll definitely be here for you. This is a supportive community and you won't go alone.

 

[k75]

Thank you. I didn't mean to turn things about me. I guess I'm having a low self-esteem kind of morning.

 

[Jean4]

Thank you. I didn't mean to turn things about me. I guess I'm having a low self-esteem kind of morning.

We are all having a rough time now. No worries. Feel free to go into the Kitchen sink post and vent away!

 

[jd123]

I've also just been waiting for the right time.
Waiting for the holidays to be behind us, waiting until after my grandsons birthday .. and waiting for my package to arrive.
It arrived today - so I will also be leaving as soon as I finish tying up loose ends at home.

What are the contents of the package and how did you obtain?

 

[HopeDiesLast]

It's the way honestly I get through. I am alone. Nobody would know or care if I died. It would be as if I didn't exist or matter. However, people on this board would know. At least I had some purpose and meant something in this miserable life.

You were a first responder on 9/11, correct? I'm sure you mattered and made a difference to a whole lot of people that day. This country forever owes you our collective gratitude.

Don't you think you could find value outside this forum?

 

[Jean4]

You were a first responder on 9/11, correct? I'm sure you mattered and made a difference to a whole lot of people that day. This country forever owes you our collective gratitude.

Don't you think you could find value outside this forum?

Thank you for that. Unfortunately, I am on disability from that job and out of the field due to 9/11 related illnesses. I am in the entertainment field now. Where the phoniness is rampant and people aren't interested in you as a human being. Just what you can do and the illusion people see. Part of my reason for being here. I can't live in the world I am in, and can't just quit.

 

[Carina]

There's a word I never knew existed until a movie, and it so perfectly describes my feelings whenever anyone goes, whether they've been here for weeks, months, or whatever: Ambivalent

I understand why someone ctb's and support their decision, even though I'm saddened by it and wish things could've been different.
I can listen to someone's story and reply in what may seem cold ways, all while trying to hold back tears (or in some cases, failing to hold them back)
I know I should start to feel numb by all those leaving, but each one is like the first, with the more I know about them, the harder it is

I'm just so torn between contradictory things almost non-stop.
I've even found that my education somewhat kicks in, and I start to find similarities between what people type, their states, just to try and engage the logical thinking of my brain over emotional. And, it fails. Emotional wins, but I try to keep the logical-ish things in what I type.

But it's one of those things that I know and expect things to happen, especially after the holidays. It's sad, but really we're all here, we listen, we reply, we support, and sometimes, we post our own goodbye. I'm just glad the site exists so people can feel sad for others, as if nothing else people know that even if their entire life feels like they're alone--their last moments they know they mean something to someone.

 

[Moonicide]

It's heartbreaking, but at the same time I'm not surprised that so many people are catching the bus. Like many others here, I've held out due to the holidays and not wanting to cause pain. But the thing is, even ending it now so early into 2020 will cause pain too. No matter what I do, it will hurt... I lost a dear friend here recently, and there is not a day I don't think about her. I told her I'd be seeing her soon and meant it. I'll hoping by next weekend I'll be gone.

 

[Despondent]

This saddens me as well :/ I only joined the community less than a month ago. I'm noticing a lot of goodbye threads. It's also sad though because as these souls are leaving to rest peacefully, new members are joining. It shows how aweful this world is because there's so many people who want to ctb.

 

[MysticPerception]

I lurked this place for nearly a year before finally making an account recently and I can say it's shocking how many names I recognized were crossed out once I finally started posting. It doesn't help that of course right afterwards multiple people hopefully found peace. It's a strange feeling. I'm both happy for them and envious of them, but also very sad. It's a strange sadness when I didn't really know them but still feel that their pain has ended and it's for the better but saying goodbye is hard anyway. Maybe it's just because I've had so many people leave my life before in the past that it reminds me of that. I don't know anymore. I just hope the suffering can end for all of us sooner or later, rather through recovery or ending it completely by our own hands.

 

[voyager]

If your time does come, k75, I do hope you say goodbye. Not all of us talk with each other, but we do see each other at various times (around the bus stop) and maybe associate more with one another than we know. A lot of people who've left recently probably didn't even know I liked them. But I did, and must say I feel somewhat overwhelmed, too. I'm really not very emotional, and perfectly comfortable with ss and my own death, but I do feel sad about theirs. I know it's for the best and it's what they wanted, but in the little time we got to know them there's something I associate with them and when they leave it is indeed gone forever. I can't help but feel loss and regret about that. Of course, it's the nature of this board and new people will come in to fill the void, but there will always be someone missing here.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Last night was tough for me, too.

Since I'd been lurking for a while, these members did not feel like strangers but more like the upperclassmen at my new school. Now that I'm here, they're graduating and leaving me to carry on.

I only hope I can be worthy of them.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I've read some very earnest responses here which mirror the sadness and conflict I feel. I thought it was just me but once again I'm humbled by the people I share this dark path with.
I think it's right that we feel these things. Grief, sadness, conflict. These emotions honour our departed friends and reinforce the seriousness of our contemplations.

 

[BlueWidow]

So many people seem to be leaving right now that I keep missing goodbye threads. I keep seeing threads for people who said goodbye several days ago and I somehow missed it.
I'm having a lot of trouble focusing the last few days and remembering things. I've come on here two or three times and found that I posted something that I have no memory of posting. I think I'm starting to lose it. I hope the people whose threads I missed all went without suffering and found peace.

 

[LMLN]

So many people seem to be leaving right now that I keep missing goodbye threads. I keep seeing threads for people who said goodbye several days ago and I somehow missed it.
I'm having a lot of trouble focusing the last few days and remembering things. I've come on here two or three times and found that I posted something that I have no memory of posting. I think I'm starting to lose it. I hope the people whose threads I missed all went without suffering and found peace.

I know! Me too. I read my old posts and dont remember writing them. I'm losing my mind!

 

[S1mpleme]

I don't know about others on here, but I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about the number of people who have been leaving in recent days and weeks. I'm sure it has something to do with the time of the year it is, just after the holidays. I know lots of people were waiting until after the holidays to go. I'm actually doing the same and will probably go at some point very soon as well.

I just thought I'd create a thread for people to talk about how they're feeling with so many people leaving in such a short space of time. Of course, I'm not trying to make the people who are leaving feel bad or guilty. There's no reason for anyone to feel that way. Eventually we all intend to leave the site in one way or another, either through ctb, recovery, or for some other reason.

Anyway, I just wanted to create a thread where people could talk about it if they'd like to. I hope I put it in the right topic section. I wasn't sure whether to put it in the suicide discussion section or off topic.

You will be surprised how many people are actually leaving this world every minute if everyone who dies left a comment here, I don't even count animals.

 

[JustAnotherSuicider]

To be honest I don't feel sad about it, I'm happy for them that they finally found peace and that their pain has ended. And in some way that make me more comfortable about doing it myself, very soon I hope. I envy them because they had courage to do this, and I'm still too scared to do this.

 

[BlueWidow]

You will be surprised how many people are actually leaving this world every minute if everyone who dies left a comment here, I don't even count animals.

Yes, I guess that's the difference. Most of the people leaving this earth, we don't even know about. Even most of the people leaving this earth by suicide, we don't even know about. It's just a small sliver of people who are on this site, but it seems like a bigger part of the world to me than it probably is.
And all it takes is one person, that one special person, to leave and it may not mean anything to anyone else. . . But to you, your entire world is instantly changed forever.
That's how I've been feeling since my husband died. The world will never be the same again without him in it.

 

[S1mpleme]

Yes, I guess that's the difference. Most of the people leaving this earth, we don't even know about. Even most of the people leaving this earth by suicide, we don't even know about. It's just a small sliver of people who are on this site, but it seems like a bigger part of the world to me than it probably is.
And all it takes is one person, that one special person, to leave and it may not mean anything to anyone else. . . But to you, your entire world is instantly changed forever.
That's how I've been feeling since my husband died. The world will never be the same again without him in it.

I'm sorry about your lost, can't even imagine your pain. World is always the same, just different for every single person. If you want - I'm here for you, we can talk about whatever makes you at least a little bit happier.