Venting So I'm Definitely Full of Shit

[Celerity]

This younger guy has expressed interest in me, all but asking me out. We have a mutual friend, and I don't ever intend to lead somebody on, so I told him truthfully that now is just not a good time to date anybody. I live at home and can barely rub two pennies together, after all.

But yesterday, a supervisor at work I've had a crush on since forever spoke to me alone, and I realized I would totally say yes if he asked me on a date despite all the possible negative consequences.

I don't regret lying to the guy since I spared his feelings, but I was just taken aback by my inconsistency. Now, this may be colored to my unabashed thirstiness lately, but I don't think so.

I am ambivalent about everything. I don't want to die necessarily, but I am afraid of what it would mean to truly live. I fantasize about sex and relationships, but I only target my fantasies on the unavailable and desperately out-of-my league.

Not for the first time, I wish I wasn't such a fucking coward. For most people, a life worth living doesn't just fall into your lap. You have to put yourself out there and go get what you want. Otherwise, events just sort of happen to you and you wake up decades later, suddenly old and tired with little to show for it, wiping off the stale crumbs of a yesterday you can barely remember.

It's funny to me where my mind goes when thinking about the simplest, petty things. Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[tiger b]

Totally agree with your fifth paragraph (which is very poetic by the way), if someone has the energy to do it. As someone increasingly old and tired, and too much in love with my couch, I feel at least there's a period where I had a good go (I ain't 'fessin nothing) and ok I fell on my arse a few times but I had some cool times too just by thinking 'what if it goes well?' or 'what if she says yes?'

Sometimes the fantasy is much better than the reality...and sometimes the only way is to find out the hard way. Or not. No definite answers. Everyone's different.

 

[Celerity]

Totally agree with your fifth paragraph (which is very poetic by the way), if someone has the energy to do it. As someone increasingly old and tired, and too much in love with my couch, I feel at least there's a period where I had a good go (I ain't 'fessin nothing) and ok I fell on my arse a few times but I had some cool times too just by thinking 'what if it goes well?' or 'what if she says yes?'

Sometimes the fantasy is much better than the reality...and sometimes the only way is to find out the hard way. Or not. No definite answers. Everyone's different.

Thank you for your thoughtful words.

I think I would rather try than never know, but it is not in my nature to put myself out there. Only in recent years have I even felt attractive to the opposite sex.

If I find out it's all overrated (which it likely is), at least I can console myself by saying that I went for it, and I am rapidly running out of time, having turned thirty this past year.

This makes me think of a movie I really love starring Daniel Day-Lewis and Michelle Pfeiffer called The Age of Innocence. I listened to a video essay on it a couple of years back where the author argued that the story was less about a forbidden romance than it was about playing it safe and idealizing the forbidden. The main character never really intended to consummate the relationship and was satisfied merely with the safe fantasy of it. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon also comes to mind. I found the film terribly overrated and kind of cheesy, but Michelle Yeoh's part in it is very well done. She too suffers a life of regret when the man she loves dies before they can get together.

But here I am again spinning into the world of make-believe, lol.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm your age. I think you should go for it if an opportunity presents itself. It is pretty clear you will regret not doing so and from other posts of yours (and similar personal experience of mine) you already deal with enough regrets.

 

[Celerity]

I'm your age. I think you should go for it if an opportunity presents itself. It is pretty clear you will regret not doing so and from other posts of yours (and similar personal experience of mine) you already deal with enough regrets.

Not really interested in pursuing things with the young guy, but I guess I may feel differently in time. The supervisor is off the table, unfortunately, unless he leaves his fiancé.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Not really interested in pursuing things with the young guy, but I guess I may feel differently in time. The supervisor is off the table, unfortunately, unless he leaves his fiancé.

Well that is an obstacle for sure. And needless to say what I said assumes that you're at least somewhat inclined towards it.

 

[Celerity]

Well that is an obstacle for sure. And needless to say what I said assumes that you're at least somewhat inclined towards it.

Yeah, well, I am still going to hit the pub with him as friends. Maybe I will change my mind? Who knows? You said you are 30. Also a single woman like me?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Yeah, well, I am still going to hit the pub with him as friends. Maybe I will change my mind? Who knows? You said you are 30. Also a single woman like me?

Well, 31. I am not a woman though I am single. In fact all the time I have seen you around I thought you were a guy in the absence of seeing it clearly stated as far as I saw (that is, you may have said so somewhere but I didn't see it). It's not right to assume anything but with some users I lean one way or the other person if they don't say anything.

 

[Celerity]

Well, 31. I am not a woman though I am single. In fact all the time I have seen you around I thought you were a guy in the absence of seeing it clearly stated as far as I saw (that is, you may have said so somewhere but I didn't see it). It's not right to assume anything but with some users I lean one way or the other person if they don't say anything.

Lol, I take no offense. Most people online assume I'm a guy. It must be the way I write.

 

[tiger b]

Bizarrely, I did too, until reading the first post of this thread. And I thought LaVie was female. Not that it usually matters. Just goes to show how presumptions can be wrong - well, my presumptions anyway!