I am going through a lot recently. I think about planning suicide or not. The pros and the cons. Especially always having in mind the condition of my mom which has a big impact on my life. I was invited to a party of a close college friend of mine. He is my best friend at college but he soon goes to a foreign country for some time. I only went to it because he means much to me. I had very little expectations of that party. I thought I am too depressed for such a meeting with so many strangers and it had a big potential to trigger nasty things in my condition. It was the first college party I ever went to. And I am studying since some years.
I don't know whether such a comparison is appropriate or not I am just a DFW fanboy. I mean David Foster Wallace I read his biography. There is a story in his biography. Closely prior to his suicide David had a meeting with another author in a restaurant. David was going through hell at that time. Though the author he met said later after DFW's suicide. He was extremely charismatic and charming at this evening. He could have never imagined that he was going through hell at that time. I am not feeling as bad as David during that time period though I wanted to pull off something similar. Being on the outside in a good mood and trying to act like I was doing fine despite I am not.
First I was good at that. This is sometimes the case for a certain period I can act pretty well. Sometimes I even believe my own lies. Though the mood got progressively worse. I had the feeling of being a fraud and that these people do not know anything of me. That I am just hiding my pain and that if they knew the truth they would find me pathetic or a Spaßbremse. (German word don't know how to translate it. I try to paraphrase it. Someone you don't want to have around because his bad mood always ruins the day of other people.) My mood was above average at first as I said I tried to act as good as possible but then it went south.
I started to imagine how I would analyze this evening in the forum and which parts are worth mentioning. I am not sure what this says about me that my main concern is at such a party how to evicerate it in an online suicide forum. I also considered whether if I am too explicit in describing it some people could potentially identify me. Though I tried to calm me when I had this thought. Most of these people looked pretty happy. Or at least way happier than me. Especially when the self-loathing and anxiety started to kick in. Here are some moments worth to mention. I met a guy who I sort of ghosted because my social skills are pretty low. It was awkward but I tried to show that this had nothing to do with him, his character or anything. There was one joke about suicide at that party. The guy who made the joke seemed to be an idiot who talks a lot of shit but I did not really feel offended by it. There were some jokes at the party which just had some poor taste. Not my type of humor. There was some talk about the exams we had. This was the moment I started to panic. This triggered me pretty much because I did not show top tier performance at my last exam and I deeply despise me for that. I torture me because of that a lot. The other people joked about their bad answers and me instead I go through hell because I could have failed it or at least I won't belong to the students with a very good performance.
This was kind of it. I almost started crying when saying goodbye to my best friend at college. He helped me so fucking much in the last years. He is such a great guy. I thought to write the following comment in recovery. I mean I hate my life and my existence a lot. Though I have to say I really like that my friends can enjoy life and I am glad for them. So this is a somewhat argument for me against antinatalism because I mean I am happy for them that they are happy. Sort of.
At the way home back I talked with my mom about the evening. We talked a little bit about the German school system because it was also topic of the party. And there are Waldorf education schools in Germany. I am not sure how familiar foreigners are with that. But they are anti-performance pressure and many people joke about their concept like dancing your name. My mom told me maybe I had a different life if I went to such a school. This kind of ruined my mood completely. She alluded maybe I would have stayed healthy if I went to such a school. I am really angry in which realities my parents live. Not the fucking school did this to me. It was my fucking mom who started to beat the shit out of me since I was 7 and a little kid in primary school. I should stop to ruminate about that but as I said it was pretty detrimental for my mood and made me pretty angry.
I don't know whether such a comparison is appropriate or not I am just a DFW fanboy. I mean David Foster Wallace I read his biography. There is a story in his biography. Closely prior to his suicide David had a meeting with another author in a restaurant. David was going through hell at that time. Though the author he met said later after DFW's suicide. He was extremely charismatic and charming at this evening. He could have never imagined that he was going through hell at that time. I am not feeling as bad as David during that time period though I wanted to pull off something similar. Being on the outside in a good mood and trying to act like I was doing fine despite I am not.
First I was good at that. This is sometimes the case for a certain period I can act pretty well. Sometimes I even believe my own lies. Though the mood got progressively worse. I had the feeling of being a fraud and that these people do not know anything of me. That I am just hiding my pain and that if they knew the truth they would find me pathetic or a Spaßbremse. (German word don't know how to translate it. I try to paraphrase it. Someone you don't want to have around because his bad mood always ruins the day of other people.) My mood was above average at first as I said I tried to act as good as possible but then it went south.
I started to imagine how I would analyze this evening in the forum and which parts are worth mentioning. I am not sure what this says about me that my main concern is at such a party how to evicerate it in an online suicide forum. I also considered whether if I am too explicit in describing it some people could potentially identify me. Though I tried to calm me when I had this thought. Most of these people looked pretty happy. Or at least way happier than me. Especially when the self-loathing and anxiety started to kick in. Here are some moments worth to mention. I met a guy who I sort of ghosted because my social skills are pretty low. It was awkward but I tried to show that this had nothing to do with him, his character or anything. There was one joke about suicide at that party. The guy who made the joke seemed to be an idiot who talks a lot of shit but I did not really feel offended by it. There were some jokes at the party which just had some poor taste. Not my type of humor. There was some talk about the exams we had. This was the moment I started to panic. This triggered me pretty much because I did not show top tier performance at my last exam and I deeply despise me for that. I torture me because of that a lot. The other people joked about their bad answers and me instead I go through hell because I could have failed it or at least I won't belong to the students with a very good performance.
This was kind of it. I almost started crying when saying goodbye to my best friend at college. He helped me so fucking much in the last years. He is such a great guy. I thought to write the following comment in recovery. I mean I hate my life and my existence a lot. Though I have to say I really like that my friends can enjoy life and I am glad for them. So this is a somewhat argument for me against antinatalism because I mean I am happy for them that they are happy. Sort of.
At the way home back I talked with my mom about the evening. We talked a little bit about the German school system because it was also topic of the party. And there are Waldorf education schools in Germany. I am not sure how familiar foreigners are with that. But they are anti-performance pressure and many people joke about their concept like dancing your name. My mom told me maybe I had a different life if I went to such a school. This kind of ruined my mood completely. She alluded maybe I would have stayed healthy if I went to such a school. I am really angry in which realities my parents live. Not the fucking school did this to me. It was my fucking mom who started to beat the shit out of me since I was 7 and a little kid in primary school. I should stop to ruminate about that but as I said it was pretty detrimental for my mood and made me pretty angry.
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