On December 30th, I attempted suicide and failed. I had acquired 64oz of lime sulfur solution prior to this date. I wasn't actually planning to attempt that night, but I was drinking, and in a very bad headspace. I went out (while drunk) and bought muriatic acid, still not planning to do anything that night, but wanted to have my materials ready. I had tried to purchase hydrochloric acid online beforehand, but the product I ordered apparently changed their acid ingredient by the time it arrived.
So, I was in my car, had the lime sulfur and the acid sitting in the seat next to me. I was planning on waiting another week, but something came over me. I had a total breakdown. I reached out to some friends and no response, and even spent an hour on the phone with a very pleasant girl at the suicide hotline. While on the phone with her, I drunkenly decided to go for it. I was sitting in my car outside of my ex-girlfriend's house (I was living there at the time), where my original plan was to go park my car behind some abandoned building somewhere, so that I wouldn't be bothered. I had no intention of being found and especially not letting my ex be the person who found me.
But, nonetheless, while on the phone with suicide hotline and not telling them exactly what I was doing, I mixed the ingredients in a bucket in the passenger floorboard. At first, it was almost like a dare. I poured the muriatic acid into the bucket, and just a drop of the lime sulfur. I just wanted to see how it reacted and smelled. It smelled just as described, like rotten eggs, but that wasn't too bad for me. I don't know what came over me after that, but I ended up pouring the entire mixture together. I quickly got used to the smell, and within a few minutes was completely unconscious.
Here's where my major mistake came in. It was December 30th, and extremely cold. I somewhat knew what I was doing, but I was drunk and on the phone with the hotline. I didn't thoroughly think things through, and made the awful mistake of leaving the car running. As I said, I was on the phone, not planning to kill myself that night. It was cold and I was just chatting away, even as I was mixing the chemicals. Ultimately, this mistake is what "saved" me. I went unconscious quickly, and at some point the running vehicle went up in flames due to the combustible hydrogen sulfide gas. I feel so stupid today over forgetting to turn the goddamn car off. I could be gone and buried by now, completely oblivious to the problems of the world. I was unconscious for it, and didn't even know about the fire until days later in the hospital. But I do have some distinct haunting memories from being inside the car and waking up at some point. I didn't understand how I survived at first, until I was told about the fire. I believe that the flames must have burnt up most of the gas in the air, rather than it getting into my lungs, and that's ultimately what kept me alive.
The gas makes you stupid. I apologize for the derogatory word, but hydrogen sulfide made me feel completely retarded. It was like I was a passenger in my own body. At some point, I woke up, and even though I don't remember a fire, I remember feeling hot and apparently took off my jacket and shirt. I had fleeting memories of going in and out of consciousness. I remember crying, and screaming. I can still hear the way I screamed in my head, like a constant nightmare. It's nothing like screams in horror movies, it was so much more guttural and animalistic. I remember being confused, it was like my brain only semi-worked. I kind of understood what was happening but I wasn't in control of my own body anymore. I guess I knew I was dying, but somehow didn't see the flames right in front of me.
I remember waking up again, seeing someone trying to tell me to get out of the car, and flashing lights. I ignored them and went back to sleep. I remember briefly my phone ringing, and shouting, but went back to sleep. At this point, apparently a neighbor and friend had seen the flames and called the fire department. While the firefighters were there, the friend noticed the makeshift signs on my windows that alerted others to the gas. Until that point, they just thought the car was on fire and had no idea it was occupied, because there was so much smoke that you couldn't see inside.
At this point the neighbor/friend called my girlfriend. She was out at a bar with a girlfriend, and rushed home. I was still in the car, the police, EMTs, and firefighters had no idea how to proceed since there was gas in the car. She knew the car had been on fire and I was motionless, car filled with smoke. She thought I was dead, that I had burnt to death in the car. I guess it could be seen as lucky, but the fire was strictly in the engine compartment, and did not ignite anything in the cabin. She broken down, and even though she thought I was dead, repeatedly called my phone and screamed for me. After multiple attempts, I came back to consciousness and answered because I saw her name. I was still basically retarded. I could hardly even talk. It felt like I was a toddler and incapable of operating my own language, my own body. She kept telling me to just open the door and get out of the car. Because I was so damaged, I couldn't even operate myself enough to open the door. I actually tried to break my driver-side window with a piece of plastic trash in the car instead. I don't know why I found that easier than functioning the handle. Eventually, I was able to open the door after she pleaded with me. I stepped one foot out and couldn't move anymore, but the door was open. Fresh air rushed into the car and I remember how amazing those first few breaths of air felt. After a minute, I was able to stumble out and a firefighter swooped in to help me across the road, sitting me down in my yard where my ex-girlfriend was waiting. From there, I had to be hosed off in the cold fire hydrant water, and put into an ambulance.
I was taken to ER, intubated, put on oxygen, and was completely unconscious for about three days. I have very brief memories of waking up during certain procedures. I was in the ICU for the rest of the week, on a bunch of drugs that kept me unconscious for most of that time, and after recovering had to sit for a week in the psychiatric ward, which was it's own kind of nightmare.
I had so many fleeting memories from that night and the few days afterwards that give me chills. I'm ashamed that I made this attempt, and horrified that my mental state and inebriation caused me to do this in front of my own house, making it a horribly dramatic event. The idea had always been to slink off somewhere I wouldn't be seen by anyone who cares, and quietly pass away. Instead, I made it a huge event that had since been broadcasted to every single friend and family member I have. I'm embarrassed and honestly wish it would've worked. The entire event keeps replaying like a nightmare in my head.
Yet, still, I want to try again. I have since ordered some sodium nitrite, but not sure that's how I want to go out. I have looked a bit into nitrogen inhalation, but not to keen on the bag over the head. I have also considered doing hydrogen sulfide again, but since my car went up in flames, now I don't have a safe and secluded space to exit. I have to buy a new cheap vehicle or something. I don't know. I'm on medication. I've had therapy, but currently unemployed so can't afford a therapist. I'm jobless, carless, homeless, and temporarily staying with my mother who has been devastated by this event and doing her best to help me. Her husband (my stepfather) died in early December, and her mother died in September. I feel so bad for making her go through this, and honestly that guilt and lack of privacy is the only thing keeping me alive now.
I'm in a situation where I basically have to take monetary handouts from my already poor mother, as well as mooch off a good friend for place to stay for awhile, and make efforts to completely restart my life. Or I can just make another attempt and be done. After trying to kill yourself, it's so difficult to just 'see the light' and find any inspiration to be productive and try to rebuild your life. I'm 33 years old. I'm not a dramatic teenager. I've seen enough of the world and I hate it. I just don't see the point of putting any effort into rebuilding things. I feel embarrassed that I attempted suicide so publicly, and have no energy left. I'm simply disappointed that it didn't work the first time, but the memories of that attempt are rather harrowing. I don't know if I could do it again. I keep fooling myself that there's hope of life getting better. I'll be thinking positively one minute, and the next minute I'm bad to thinking about suicide. I'm so completely lost and don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
Sorry for this lost post. I needed to vent and get the details of that night off my chest. I somewhat told my ex, but it was as cathartic as it should have been. I'm not close enough to anyone else to really let these things out. I'm sorry you had to read all this, but perhaps my recollection of events will assist someone else who might be considered this method of suicide, so that they can either reconsider, or at least not make the same stupid mistakes I did.
So, I was in my car, had the lime sulfur and the acid sitting in the seat next to me. I was planning on waiting another week, but something came over me. I had a total breakdown. I reached out to some friends and no response, and even spent an hour on the phone with a very pleasant girl at the suicide hotline. While on the phone with her, I drunkenly decided to go for it. I was sitting in my car outside of my ex-girlfriend's house (I was living there at the time), where my original plan was to go park my car behind some abandoned building somewhere, so that I wouldn't be bothered. I had no intention of being found and especially not letting my ex be the person who found me.
But, nonetheless, while on the phone with suicide hotline and not telling them exactly what I was doing, I mixed the ingredients in a bucket in the passenger floorboard. At first, it was almost like a dare. I poured the muriatic acid into the bucket, and just a drop of the lime sulfur. I just wanted to see how it reacted and smelled. It smelled just as described, like rotten eggs, but that wasn't too bad for me. I don't know what came over me after that, but I ended up pouring the entire mixture together. I quickly got used to the smell, and within a few minutes was completely unconscious.
Here's where my major mistake came in. It was December 30th, and extremely cold. I somewhat knew what I was doing, but I was drunk and on the phone with the hotline. I didn't thoroughly think things through, and made the awful mistake of leaving the car running. As I said, I was on the phone, not planning to kill myself that night. It was cold and I was just chatting away, even as I was mixing the chemicals. Ultimately, this mistake is what "saved" me. I went unconscious quickly, and at some point the running vehicle went up in flames due to the combustible hydrogen sulfide gas. I feel so stupid today over forgetting to turn the goddamn car off. I could be gone and buried by now, completely oblivious to the problems of the world. I was unconscious for it, and didn't even know about the fire until days later in the hospital. But I do have some distinct haunting memories from being inside the car and waking up at some point. I didn't understand how I survived at first, until I was told about the fire. I believe that the flames must have burnt up most of the gas in the air, rather than it getting into my lungs, and that's ultimately what kept me alive.
The gas makes you stupid. I apologize for the derogatory word, but hydrogen sulfide made me feel completely retarded. It was like I was a passenger in my own body. At some point, I woke up, and even though I don't remember a fire, I remember feeling hot and apparently took off my jacket and shirt. I had fleeting memories of going in and out of consciousness. I remember crying, and screaming. I can still hear the way I screamed in my head, like a constant nightmare. It's nothing like screams in horror movies, it was so much more guttural and animalistic. I remember being confused, it was like my brain only semi-worked. I kind of understood what was happening but I wasn't in control of my own body anymore. I guess I knew I was dying, but somehow didn't see the flames right in front of me.
I remember waking up again, seeing someone trying to tell me to get out of the car, and flashing lights. I ignored them and went back to sleep. I remember briefly my phone ringing, and shouting, but went back to sleep. At this point, apparently a neighbor and friend had seen the flames and called the fire department. While the firefighters were there, the friend noticed the makeshift signs on my windows that alerted others to the gas. Until that point, they just thought the car was on fire and had no idea it was occupied, because there was so much smoke that you couldn't see inside.
At this point the neighbor/friend called my girlfriend. She was out at a bar with a girlfriend, and rushed home. I was still in the car, the police, EMTs, and firefighters had no idea how to proceed since there was gas in the car. She knew the car had been on fire and I was motionless, car filled with smoke. She thought I was dead, that I had burnt to death in the car. I guess it could be seen as lucky, but the fire was strictly in the engine compartment, and did not ignite anything in the cabin. She broken down, and even though she thought I was dead, repeatedly called my phone and screamed for me. After multiple attempts, I came back to consciousness and answered because I saw her name. I was still basically retarded. I could hardly even talk. It felt like I was a toddler and incapable of operating my own language, my own body. She kept telling me to just open the door and get out of the car. Because I was so damaged, I couldn't even operate myself enough to open the door. I actually tried to break my driver-side window with a piece of plastic trash in the car instead. I don't know why I found that easier than functioning the handle. Eventually, I was able to open the door after she pleaded with me. I stepped one foot out and couldn't move anymore, but the door was open. Fresh air rushed into the car and I remember how amazing those first few breaths of air felt. After a minute, I was able to stumble out and a firefighter swooped in to help me across the road, sitting me down in my yard where my ex-girlfriend was waiting. From there, I had to be hosed off in the cold fire hydrant water, and put into an ambulance.
I was taken to ER, intubated, put on oxygen, and was completely unconscious for about three days. I have very brief memories of waking up during certain procedures. I was in the ICU for the rest of the week, on a bunch of drugs that kept me unconscious for most of that time, and after recovering had to sit for a week in the psychiatric ward, which was it's own kind of nightmare.
I had so many fleeting memories from that night and the few days afterwards that give me chills. I'm ashamed that I made this attempt, and horrified that my mental state and inebriation caused me to do this in front of my own house, making it a horribly dramatic event. The idea had always been to slink off somewhere I wouldn't be seen by anyone who cares, and quietly pass away. Instead, I made it a huge event that had since been broadcasted to every single friend and family member I have. I'm embarrassed and honestly wish it would've worked. The entire event keeps replaying like a nightmare in my head.
Yet, still, I want to try again. I have since ordered some sodium nitrite, but not sure that's how I want to go out. I have looked a bit into nitrogen inhalation, but not to keen on the bag over the head. I have also considered doing hydrogen sulfide again, but since my car went up in flames, now I don't have a safe and secluded space to exit. I have to buy a new cheap vehicle or something. I don't know. I'm on medication. I've had therapy, but currently unemployed so can't afford a therapist. I'm jobless, carless, homeless, and temporarily staying with my mother who has been devastated by this event and doing her best to help me. Her husband (my stepfather) died in early December, and her mother died in September. I feel so bad for making her go through this, and honestly that guilt and lack of privacy is the only thing keeping me alive now.
I'm in a situation where I basically have to take monetary handouts from my already poor mother, as well as mooch off a good friend for place to stay for awhile, and make efforts to completely restart my life. Or I can just make another attempt and be done. After trying to kill yourself, it's so difficult to just 'see the light' and find any inspiration to be productive and try to rebuild your life. I'm 33 years old. I'm not a dramatic teenager. I've seen enough of the world and I hate it. I just don't see the point of putting any effort into rebuilding things. I feel embarrassed that I attempted suicide so publicly, and have no energy left. I'm simply disappointed that it didn't work the first time, but the memories of that attempt are rather harrowing. I don't know if I could do it again. I keep fooling myself that there's hope of life getting better. I'll be thinking positively one minute, and the next minute I'm bad to thinking about suicide. I'm so completely lost and don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do next.
Sorry for this lost post. I needed to vent and get the details of that night off my chest. I somewhat told my ex, but it was as cathartic as it should have been. I'm not close enough to anyone else to really let these things out. I'm sorry you had to read all this, but perhaps my recollection of events will assist someone else who might be considered this method of suicide, so that they can either reconsider, or at least not make the same stupid mistakes I did.
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