So I finally have everything I need to CTB, and my feeling towards it is..... surprising!

[Angel79]

After being a lurker on this site for months and an eternal amount of research on my method i finally have everything I need to CTB. All this time I assumed that the minute I had everything in my possession I wouldn't hesitate to get on that bus (minus some time to take care of some affairs) but interestingly now that I have the control I have been craving for so long I now feel like I don't need to rush it. Just knowing it's there and that I know everything I need to know to put it into action (yes, i have a spreadsheet with my schedule and timing listed out and yes, I know I'm a control freak!) makes me feel comforted and in many ways more in control of my life than I have been in years. Does this make me even more unstable than I already knew i was or is this more common than I realise?

I'd be interested to hear how others feel in this situation.

 

[Walilamdzi]

I think that's common. What's your method?

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I don't think it makes you unstable at all. And well, you are in total control of your life since you're the one ending it. I had this same feeling the last time I attempted to ctb, it's a shame it's gone now.

 

[Angel79]

I think that's common. What's your method?

SN

I don't think it makes you unstable at all. And well, you are in total control of your life since you're the one ending it. I had this same feeling the last time I attempted to ctb, it's a shame it's gone now.

Sorry to hear that your attempt failed (That sounds harsh but you know what I mean). May I ask why you no longer have the option?

 

[Sensei]

I know exactly how you feel. It's the ultimate control to obtain your means to die. In a way, you become your own god, deciding over life and death in your own world.

I thinkt that acquiring your means to end your life is like installing an emergency break. You can use it at any time if your train is about to collide, but otherwise, you can just roll along and enjoy the view, knowing that your emergency break always is within reach.

 

[Bct]

It gives some assurance that I can die whenever I want. I think the assurance comes because it's few things we can control in our life.

 

[Lary]

After being a lurker on this site for months and an eternal amount of research on my method i finally have everything I need to CTB. All this time I assumed that the minute I had everything in my possession I wouldn't hesitate to get on that bus (minus some time to take care of some affairs) but interestingly now that I have the control I have been craving for so long I now feel like I don't need to rush it. Just knowing it's there and that I know everything I need to know to put it into action (yes, i have a spreadsheet with my schedule and timing listed out and yes, I know I'm a control freak!) makes me feel comforted and in many ways more in control of my life than I have been in years. Does this make me even more unstable than I already knew i was or is this more common than I realise?

I'd be interested to hear how others feel in this situation.

I think I know how you feel. For many years I had no access to anything that could help me with CTB. But I started working in a hospital and now I have access to the most lethal medications out there. I could get a bottle of pancuronium and CTB, but I'm in no hurry right now. I'm enjoying getting to know each substance, analyzing all the possibilities of CTB.

 

[faust]

Yes, I know this feeling. No need to rush when technically everything is ready. Readiness creates a feeling of safety, like I should not be afraid of something anymore. But I am still very vulnerable to my mental health issues, feeling like a walking dead. I am only afraid of meto lol.

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

When I finally booked my hotel room, I felt a great deal of relief. Like I felt this genuine wave of happiness go through me. I feel ready.

 

[miguel6565]

Yea now that i ordered SN feel the same,i think is my SI trying to keep me alive

 

[Silence]

When I finally booked my hotel room, I felt a great deal of relief. Like I felt this genuine wave of happiness go through me. I feel ready.

Planning on going this week?

 

[WhatIsMyLife]

Planning on going this week?

Yeah this weekend most likely. If all goes to plan. A few loose ends to tie up.

 

[mx5nb3]

I think what you're feeling is normal, as I can relate. I recently obtained my SN and feel the same. I have everything planned for my exit too.. im just not giving a fuck about aannyythiiing until my time comes. I no longer have to give a shit because I know this time i will succeed.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I don't have sn yet but I have a feeling I'll feel better once I have it just in case

 

[Mooseanonsky]

You're lucky. I haven't even bought my stuff yet. I should really get to it.

 

[Angel79]

Yes, I know this feeling. No need to rush when technically everything is ready. Readiness creates a feeling of safety, like I should not be afraid of something anymore. But I am still very vulnerable to my mental health issues, feeling like a walking dead. I am only afraid of meto lol.

Why are you afraid of meto?