Venting So horribly unstable

[Topaz111]

I'm such a mess..
I am disabled, chronically ill with no cure and my daily unbearable pain will only get worse over time, there is no hope for me for a happy future and I should end it while I am still able to before I get so sick I am stuck at a hospital.. and yet..
There are moments when I look at the sun outside, or I see some beautiful flowers or animals and I think "maybe I should keep trying for a bit longer, maybe it will be worth it, maybe things will change.."
And then I am back to despair just a few hours or even *minutes* later.
I've been very very emotionally unstable for many many years, but recently it's been especially distressing, especially since these little, irrational glimmers of ""hope"" make me feel so invalid in my suicidality. Perhaps it's not even ""hope"" that I feel, it's not quite it. I think the mind is inducing these feelings to get me to stop planning my CTB, it is a matter of my fear of failure and SI..
I don't know, I am confused, upset, overwhelmed, tired.. I hope I haven't been spamming the forum too much with my vents, I can't really tell how much is acceptable. Sometimes I write in my diary, but it's not the same as sharing it in a forum I guess.

 

[ar.fweo]

I'm such a mess..
I am disabled, chronically ill with no cure and my daily unbearable pain will only get worse over time, there is no hope for me for a happy future and I should end it while I am still able to before I get so sick I am stuck at a hospital.. and yet..
There are moments when I look at the sun outside, or I see some beautiful flowers or animals and I think "maybe I should keep trying for a bit longer, maybe it will be worth it, maybe things will change.."
And then I am back to despair just a few hours or even *minutes* later.
I've been very very emotionally unstable for many many years, but recently it's been especially distressing, especially since these little, irrational glimmers of ""hope"" make me feel so invalid in my suicidality. Perhaps it's not even ""hope"" that I feel, it's not quite it. I think the mind is inducing these feelings to get me to stop planning my CTB, it is a matter of my fear of failure and SI..
I don't know, I am confused, upset, overwhelmed, tired.. I hope I haven't been spamming the forum too much with my vents, I can't really tell how much is acceptable. Sometimes I write in my diary, but it's not the same as sharing it in a forum I guess.

Im not the same situation,every night i get panick attacks, every moment debating about is it worth it to just end it once and for all, and I wish to fully commit......but im too scared to do it, even I write It in my diary but I always feel empty and im also happy sharing it with other people who can relate and understand what im going thru

 

[Topaz111]

Im not the same situation,every night i get panick attacks, every moment debating about is it worth it to just end it once and for all, and I wish to fully commit......but im too scared to do it, even I write It in my diary but I always feel empty and im also happy sharing it with other people who can relate and understand what im going thru

I'm sorry you are struggling with the fear as well. I'm glad you feel comfortable to share your feelings on the forum though. It's so helpful being able to talk about this sort of stuff without heavy censorship or fear of medical arrest.

 

[ar.fweo]

I'm sorry you are struggling with the fear as well. I'm glad you feel comfortable to share your feelings on the forum though. It's so helpful being able to talk about this sort of stuff without heavy censorship or fear of medical arrest.

Yea im also sorry for what ur struggling with aswell, but to be honest im planning about ending it within this year but im so scared what's on the other side of this and its the only thing holding me back

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel you because I'm disabled too. There is no cure and my mental and physical situation is getting worse. It's just like daily torture. I think we're just realistic about our situations, that's why we're looking for an escape. I don't know why I'm still here at 43. My survival instinct is so strong, but only for more suffering ?? It doesn't make sense. I'm envious of people who die naturally or from accidents or assisted suicide.

 

[Topaz111]

I feel you because I'm disabled too. There is no cure and my mental and physical situation is getting worse. It's just like daily torture. I think we're just realistic about our situations, that's why we're looking for an escape. I don't know why I'm still here at 43. My survival instinct is so strong, but only for more suffering ?? It doesn't make sense. I'm envious of people who die naturally or from accidents or assisted suicide.

It's really awful. I think SI is just inherently beyond logic. It's like some higher, ancient programming that predates and overrides any logical, conscious thoughts and feelings we have about our realistic situations. It is so frustrating, I'm sorry you are suffering too.