so hard to ctb as a parent

[caseycontrarian]

I'm brand new here so apologies for any issues with this post.

I am in a very good marriage with a beautiful wife and two daughters. I am also unable to continue. Unfortunately, I am also a loved parent and thinking about hurting my girls this way is so upsetting that it only adds to the unbearable aspect of being.

 

[JoeFailure]

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling and that things are bad enough for you to be here.

One of the only reasons I'm still here is for my parents, I can empathize with trying to hang on purely for other people. I can understand it's probably even more anguish having your own family.

If you want to expound on why you want to CTB that might help give context to it, also it helps sometimes just to talk and crowdsource.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry that you are in this situation, I can imagine that it must be really difficult. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[hashtagnull]

I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation myself. It's hard because I just keep thinking 'really, you don't love your child enough to bear this'? but I think it's not about that. As parents we're taught by society that it's always best for us to be there, no matter what. I think sometimes that's not true. There must be a point where it's OK to admit defeat. I hope you're not there yet and things go better for you.

 

[caseycontrarian]

I imagine that at almost 48 I'm older than some folks here. Which is just to say that I've done everything I've wanted to do in life and had a lot of wonderful experiences for which I am truly grateful. But I've felt like I was ready to go from the moment I was self aware.

As a longtime deeply committed Buddhist and a caring, present father and husband with no financial worries and what looks on paper to be an accomplished existence, I still am ready for *real* cessation, not the kind that one allegedly can experience while embodied.

The only reason I'm here is my daughters. It is torture.

To clarify my moral / ethical orientation, I am stepfather to our oldest daughter (11, been with her since age 1.5) and biodad to an almost five year-old. I was not inclined to bring a second child into the world, but my loving wife talked me into it (I don't resent her for this, but it is a contributory factor because, well, look around).

 

[.............]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm going to be honest, as someone who has lost a parent (not to CTB), I have to admit that just the thought of having a parent of mine even contemplate death is scary. But at the same time, I fully understand where you come from. If it feels right for it to be over, then the option to let it all be over should honestly be there. I wish there was an easy way for this conundrum to be solved but all I can do now is hope for the best. I hope your wife and kids bring you happiness in this time. Hang in there!

 

[jimmy7754]

Majority of the reason I'm going to ctb is because my Dad died of cancer.. and left me in a pile of student loan debt and a messed up mom.

 

[Red Scare]

Woah... you have an 11 and a 5 year old?

If you do this you will completely fuck their lives up. You will be inflicting upon them the single most traumatic even in their lives. This is incredibly selfish, and I think you are probably not considering just how it will effect them. If you want to do what you want to do when the are adults, that is on you. I think everyone should be able to make an informed choice about their own lives, but I also won't hesitate to say that I think it is incredibly fucked ip to leave a spouse, and children behind, if you're not terminally ill or have a mental illness, disability, or any other problem why you cannot reasonably be here for them. They didn't ask to get born, your spouse didn't sign up to become a widow so early in life. You will be fucking them up so hard, and I know this from experience. I am only here and suicidal because of my spouse committing suicide, so unless that is what you want, then you will wait and discuss this at length with them. The worst thing you could do is just go and not tell anybody, not even giving them a chance to tell you how they feel about it. Because they are the ones who are going to have to live with it, you will be dead, non existing. If you have no terminal illness, no trauma, no reason to actually want to end your life except vague reasons about Buddhism, then you are an ass. You will be hurting innocent people who did not ask to be hurt, and don't fool yourself into thinking they will be alright. They won't be. At least one of those three will probably follow in your footsteps and commit suicide, and not because of a terminal illness or anything but because they can't live with the trauma that you inflicted on them.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's one of the most painful and difficult choices to make. When I think of my family and CBT I cry thinking of leaving them and me imprinting on them negatively.
Sending hugs

 

[arnab]

I'm brand new here so apologies for any issues with this post.

I am in a very good marriage with a beautiful wife and two daughters. I am also unable to continue. Unfortunately, I am also a loved parent and thinking about hurting my girls this way is so upsetting that it only adds to the unbearable aspect of being.

You ask for pity when you are the reason 2 innocent souls are currently stuck in a life of suffering ? Ok sounds logical

 

[caseycontrarian]

Woah... you have an 11 and a 5 year old?

If you do this you will completely fuck their lives up. You will be inflicting upon them the single most traumatic even in their lives. This is incredibly selfish, and I think you are probably not considering just how it will effect them. If you want to do what you want to do when the are adults, that is on you. I think everyone should be able to make an informed choice about their own lives, but I also won't hesitate to say that I think it is incredibly fucked ip to leave a spouse, and children behind, if you're not terminally ill or have a mental illness, disability, or any other problem why you cannot reasonably be here for them. They didn't ask to get born, your spouse didn't sign up to become a widow so early in life. You will be fucking them up so hard, and I know this from experience. I am only here and suicidal because of my spouse committing suicide, so unless that is what you want, then you will wait and discuss this at length with them. The worst thing you could do is just go and not tell anybody, not even giving them a chance to tell you how they feel about it. Because they are the ones who are going to have to live with it, you will be dead, non existing. If you have no terminal illness, no trauma, no reason to actually want to end your life except vague reasons about Buddhism, then you are an ass. You will be hurting innocent people who did not ask to be hurt, and don't fool yourself into thinking they will be alright. They won't be. At least one of those three will probably follow in your footsteps and commit suicide, and not because of a terminal illness or anything but because they can't live with the trauma that you inflicted on them.

Thank you.

You ask for pity when you are the reason 2 innocent souls are currently stuck in a life of suffering ? Ok sounds logical

I'm not asking for pity.

 

[fight_club]

So many things that were only ever about free will & autonomy become so complicated after having children...using substances, pulling all nighters, gambling, even just talking a damn walk when you want to...I do empathize very much with your situation. Where their life begins and yours ends begins to blur, there's simply no way around it. There's no way to save our kiddos from tragedy in the long run, but the element of choice places the responsibility in your hands. I wish it wasn't so, because enduring a life of suffering to be present for others must be exhausting if not entirely crushing. I'm so sorry it's one you have to make. In my opinion just about everyone has to make dramatic sacrifices for their children.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

Woah... you have an 11 and a 5 year old?

If you do this you will completely fuck their lives up. You will be inflicting upon them the single most traumatic even in their lives. This is incredibly selfish, and I think you are probably not considering just how it will effect them. If you want to do what you want to do when the are adults, that is on you. I think everyone should be able to make an informed choice about their own lives, but I also won't hesitate to say that I think it is incredibly fucked ip to leave a spouse, and children behind, if you're not terminally ill or have a mental illness, disability, or any other problem why you cannot reasonably be here for them. They didn't ask to get born, your spouse didn't sign up to become a widow so early in life. You will be fucking them up so hard, and I know this from experience. I am only here and suicidal because of my spouse committing suicide, so unless that is what you want, then you will wait and discuss this at length with them. The worst thing you could do is just go and not tell anybody, not even giving them a chance to tell you how they feel about it. Because they are the ones who are going to have to live with it, you will be dead, non existing. If you have no terminal illness, no trauma, no reason to actually want to end your life except vague reasons about Buddhism, then you are an ass. You will be hurting innocent people who did not ask to be hurt, and don't fool yourself into thinking they will be alright. They won't be. At least one of those three will probably follow in your footsteps and commit suicide, and not because of a terminal illness or anything but because they can't live with the trauma that you inflicted on them.

I am sorry you are in so much pain Red Scare, but you are on a support forum and it's not up to you to decide who can and cannot contemplate ctb.

I am sorry, casey. I have kids too. I am scared to feel this way, I have no intention of causing them harm, but I just can't stop.

 

[Red Scare]

it's not up to you to decide who can and cannot contemplate ctb.

Yeah that's not what I said at all.

 

[lyles]

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. There are no easy answers, unfortunately. Deciding these things when we are so tied to people in our lives and invested in how this may affect them can have a real impact. It is just a measure of quality vs quantity and what would be best all around, I guess. I hope you find some peace, or at least some comfort with knowing you aren't alone in all this struggle. And whatever you choose, you have support. I am wishing you the absolute best

 

[OldDrummer]

I imagine that at almost 48 I'm older than some folks here...

As a longtime deeply committed Buddhist and a caring, present father and husband with no financial worries and what looks on paper to be an accomplished existence, I still am ready for *real* cessation, not the kind that one allegedly can experience while embodied.

Totally hear ya.

I'm of similar vintage to you and in the same situation. I'm thankful for having a good and full life, despite a couple of sporadic periods of depression.

I'm separated with a young teenage son with autism. Shortly after he was diagnosed, I was diagnosed with Asperger's (same spectrum) and discovered that I'd been masking and scripting my entire life.

Physical health issues have forced my hand and I really cannot go on. Like yourself, I've Buddhist beliefs and I'm a little concerned about the Karmic payback, but I'm far more concerned about the effect my ctb will have on others.

 

[Sister of the Moon]

We're the same age, and I'm in the same situation, although I'm focusing on recovery at the moment. I have two boys, the youngest is 16 and is autistic so he'll likely always be dependent on me. Their father is dead. I am also a Buddhist.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. A few people here are in the same situation so there is support if you need it.
Best wishes.

 

[Shu]

I'm brand new here so apologies for any issues with this post.

I am in a very good marriage with a beautiful wife and two daughters. I am also unable to continue. Unfortunately, I am also a loved parent and thinking about hurting my girls this way is so upsetting that it only adds to the unbearable aspect of being.

Take a trip to nepal. .Go in the mountains and try tummo breathing in the snow.
Check this out. You can try ayahuasca also.

 

[Foresight]

As a longtime deeply committed Buddhist

Why not take this commitment to the next level? It would advance your spiritual journey, alleviate the "torture" if done with commitment, and allow you to continue to be present for your daughters. You have two massive responsibilities you're tossing out. Deep commitment to Buddhism is the closest thing to living death there is and parenthood is irrevocable.

I do fall into the controversial and unpopular class of no excuses when it comes to suicide and children. It's your fault the biological daughter is here. I don't care who talked you into it. You owe her your time and support now instead of spiraling her into deep hurt and confusion in her early development. I think you have more work to do here and time is not up.

 

[ambivalent.]

Reality check- I often work with kids who have tried to end their lives or are considering trying to end their lives to be with their deceased parents. I am in a similar boat to you, a beloved mom, "successful" professional, and I keep reminding myself that dying by suicide is me metaphorically pushing them in front of a train to save myself. Not saying I won't kill myself, but the thought gives me a little motivation to keep fighting.

If you aren't in therapy, I'd recommend it. If your job isn't rewarding, I'd find a new one. If you haven't tried ketamine or psychedelics, give them a shot. I think we owe it to our kids to try as hard as we can until we can't.

 

[Intelligent_Panic99]

Yeah that's not what I said at all.

Not directly, but you were being incredibly judgmental toward someone who was possibly reaching out for help. It was just very triggering for me since it's not like I asked to feel this way when I have kids. I already hate myself and feel like shit for wanting to do this when I have them. And they are the reason and the only reason I am still alive. I don't think it's fair to shame anyone at all for contemplating ctb. Everyone deserves a safe space to talk about it. Even parents.

Reality check- I often work with kids who have tried to end their lives or are considering trying to end their lives to be with their deceased parents. I am in a similar boat to you, a beloved mom, "successful" professional, and I keep reminding myself that dying by suicide is me metaphorically pushing them in front of a train to save myself. Not saying I won't kill myself, but the thought gives me a little motivation to keep fighting.

If you aren't in therapy, I'd recommend it. If your job isn't rewarding, I'd find a new one. If you haven't tried ketamine or psychedelics, give them a shot. I think we owe it to our kids to try as hard as we can until we can't.

I agree. Give therapy a shot. It really helped me until I lost my therapist (but that's a whole 'nother story). Also, try spending extra time with your kids. I notice the more suicidal I get the more I try to separate from them - I guess in my mind I am trying to create space so they can learn to live without me. My therapist told me to look them in the eyes. Which sounds weird, but I realized I have basically not been doing that at all and it helped me feel more connected.

 

[sequilhos3421]

sorry I'm using translator... i know how you feel i am a mother of two boys and each one a father i haven't felt loved by anyone but them for years i wish i felt better in other ways but i cant get a good job or get good grades in college , I am 27 years old and sometimes I feel like a 15-year-old girl who lives with her parents and has no privacy... I bought an apartment but it takes years for it to be ready, apart from the renovations later, that is, many years in this prison, my children They see me as an older sister and that comforts me for ctb, sorry for the rant but as a mother I understand your pain...

 

[sickofeagles]

Hi. I am in a similar situation. I am a mom of a 2 year old girl. I am very very ill with a rare medical condition. I have been house-bed bound for 2 years her whole life. I was sick before she was born but had surgery and i thought i was better. So we tried for my beautiful daughter. Im ruining he and my family's life by being so ill. Noone is going to take care of me as a disabled person. Its been steadily progressing. Ive had 4 surgeries and 4 stents in my brain and my neck. I am very ill. I dont want to endure anymore of this pain and hell. Doctors dont know what to do for me. I cant take anymore horrible invasive surgery while im so weak. And i already had one surgedy go bad and was severly severley damaged. What do i do? I love my daughter so much. She is everything. Im so scared. Please help