ConfusedHurting2632
Student
- Dec 22, 2021
- 116
I'm only 20 years old, which I'm aware is definitely pretty young. However, when you've been mentally suffering since age 6 in Kindergarten, it sure as hell feels like a very long time to be alive. To most people my life probably wouldn't be considered that bad, since I never experienced anything super traumatic (by society's standards, like being raped, living in a war zone, etc) or anything, but they can't tell me my negative feelings from a very young age aren't real.
My life before age 6 I only vaguely remember. Probably due to the fact that I was literally just too young, and also nothing bad seemed to happen before then. But from age 6/Kindergarten onward, my outlook on life has definitely been pretty negative. It mainly started because I really, really fucking hated school. It was a mix of just finding school boring and uninteresting, and also how the other kids treated me. In Kindergarten I was an outcast and the other kids didn't really like me and made fun of me, and that basically set the mood for my social skills for the rest of my life. My social skills didn't get much better, if any, all through elementary, middle, and high school. And my disdain for school never went away either. I graduated from grade 12 at age 18 (just barely), and never plan to step foot in a school again, or go to college.
At age 6 my feelings probably weren't as intense as they are today, and I probably wasn't as self-aware and introspective. But I definitely felt frequent feelings of sadness and fear, as well as social anxiety. As I got older though, my feelings definitely got gradually worse. Age 13 is when I began to feel more accurately what you call "depression." Which wasn't just basic sadness or fear, but kind of like a mix of sadness, fear, anger at myself, envy at others, and at the same time feeling nothing at all, and like everything is meaningless. By age 17 my depression had gotten a lot worse, and I tried to commit suicide in several different ways, though they all failed. Not sure if I can discuss them since the rules seem to say no method talk, but they were basically unsuccessful attempts with everyday household items, and I have a low pain tolerance so I didn't even injure myself.
Age 18 was when I finally began to reach out for help. It was my last school year, and though my grades were terrible, I couldn't stand the pain, so I reached out to my school guidance counselor to try to find free and/or cheap as possible therapy and mental health help. And I did. I've been through 5 therapists at this point, and tried 6 different medications. Therapy helped slightly, but only to an extent. It helped to have professionals listen to my problems and not judge me, but at the same time I never seemed to get notably better. As for the medications...they made me feel "different," but not necessarily better. Some of them had rather severe side effects that made them not worth it. I also had been to a mental institution 3 times for telling my therapists about planning to commit suicide, all at age 18, with a few months apart between each time. The first time I kind of felt better coming out, the other two not so much. The mental hospitals were okay, just very boring with not much to do. Overall though, though reaching out for help and having myself heard was nice, the therapists, medications, and the mental institution visits didn't help too much at all.
And being here today, age 20 with a July birthday...I don't know if I can make it. I don't even wanna make it to age 21. Just the thought of surviving till my 21st July birthday sounds unbearable, much less my 25th, 30th...and goodness no, I don't even wanna think of living to be 40+ years old, if I don't even wanna be one year older.
I've definitely never, ever liked myself as a person. And the saying "you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself" deeply resonates with me, because I never really gave a shit about anyone else either. I currently have basically 0 friends, and never really had too many friends throughout my life either, and the ones I did have were more-so just "slightly friendly acquaintances," and I rarely, if ever, hung out with them outside of school, and when I did it was only like once or twice. I've never gotten along too well with people on the internet or on social media either. Even when I seemed to become "friends" with someone on the internet/social media, eventually I just stopped caring about them.
The only 2 people who are really "relevant" in my life are my mom and dad. And I don't give a shit about them. And they can very well tell, and they resent me for it. As parents they are probably okay. Not the best, not the worst. They are definitely often pretty judgemental about my mental health stuff, and see it as just a way for me to be lazy, get out of responsibilities, and not do anything, but at least they let me get the therapy and medications, as well as driving me to places, cooking for me, giving me a place to stay, etc. We've definitely had many arguments many times in the past, and still do sometimes. But hey, things could be worse. At least they didn't kick me out. Then I'd truly have 0 people, and be homeless and starving/thirsty.
But even outside of myself and my failing to connect socially with others, I just don't like this world. Sure, there are some good things, but I've always been pretty naturally pessimistic, and I can't ignore the bad things, and there seems to be so many bad things. Like for example, poverty, homelessness, bodily fluids, pedophiles, racists, murderers, homophobes, transphobes, disgusting insects, diseases, corrupt people in power, mental illnesses, physical disabilities, body odor, etc. I'm not really spiritual or religious, though my parents are...but if God is real, why do all these things exist? It's like a cruel joke.
Even outside of those cases though, I still don't like the average human being. It seems that the average human being, from my experience, both in real life and online, is just extremely judgemental and unpleasant. They judge you for often the littlest things that should be trivial, and often like to exclude you if you're different from them in any way. Though I don't believe I'm much better. If anything I believe me and them are equally shit.
There are a few good things in this world...like food, good sleep, nature scenery...maybe animals, though some of them are gross. But I honestly can't think of too much beyond that. And I don't think the pros outweigh the cons.
The idea of death is honestly pretty comforting to me, and I kind of hope that death is just as simple as eternal sleep, and that the heaven or hell or purgatory shit isn't real. And I believe it should be my right, or anyone's. I didn't ask my mom and dad to bring me to this world...though they insist that "in the spiritual world I agreed to be born." But still...I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I should at least have the right to end my life early if I want, having lived a shitty 20 years, rather than prolonging it to a shitty 70 or 80 years, or whatever the fuck my natural lifespan would be.
I don't really have any specific plans for killing myself, though I keep hoping I just die of a relatively natural cause very soon like a heart attack in my sleep, or a "unlucky" slip and fall, or just catch an illness and die that way. Just please don't let me make it to age 21. Much less anything past that, and I definitely don't wanna make it to age 30 or beyond.
My life before age 6 I only vaguely remember. Probably due to the fact that I was literally just too young, and also nothing bad seemed to happen before then. But from age 6/Kindergarten onward, my outlook on life has definitely been pretty negative. It mainly started because I really, really fucking hated school. It was a mix of just finding school boring and uninteresting, and also how the other kids treated me. In Kindergarten I was an outcast and the other kids didn't really like me and made fun of me, and that basically set the mood for my social skills for the rest of my life. My social skills didn't get much better, if any, all through elementary, middle, and high school. And my disdain for school never went away either. I graduated from grade 12 at age 18 (just barely), and never plan to step foot in a school again, or go to college.
At age 6 my feelings probably weren't as intense as they are today, and I probably wasn't as self-aware and introspective. But I definitely felt frequent feelings of sadness and fear, as well as social anxiety. As I got older though, my feelings definitely got gradually worse. Age 13 is when I began to feel more accurately what you call "depression." Which wasn't just basic sadness or fear, but kind of like a mix of sadness, fear, anger at myself, envy at others, and at the same time feeling nothing at all, and like everything is meaningless. By age 17 my depression had gotten a lot worse, and I tried to commit suicide in several different ways, though they all failed. Not sure if I can discuss them since the rules seem to say no method talk, but they were basically unsuccessful attempts with everyday household items, and I have a low pain tolerance so I didn't even injure myself.
Age 18 was when I finally began to reach out for help. It was my last school year, and though my grades were terrible, I couldn't stand the pain, so I reached out to my school guidance counselor to try to find free and/or cheap as possible therapy and mental health help. And I did. I've been through 5 therapists at this point, and tried 6 different medications. Therapy helped slightly, but only to an extent. It helped to have professionals listen to my problems and not judge me, but at the same time I never seemed to get notably better. As for the medications...they made me feel "different," but not necessarily better. Some of them had rather severe side effects that made them not worth it. I also had been to a mental institution 3 times for telling my therapists about planning to commit suicide, all at age 18, with a few months apart between each time. The first time I kind of felt better coming out, the other two not so much. The mental hospitals were okay, just very boring with not much to do. Overall though, though reaching out for help and having myself heard was nice, the therapists, medications, and the mental institution visits didn't help too much at all.
And being here today, age 20 with a July birthday...I don't know if I can make it. I don't even wanna make it to age 21. Just the thought of surviving till my 21st July birthday sounds unbearable, much less my 25th, 30th...and goodness no, I don't even wanna think of living to be 40+ years old, if I don't even wanna be one year older.
I've definitely never, ever liked myself as a person. And the saying "you can't love anyone if you don't love yourself" deeply resonates with me, because I never really gave a shit about anyone else either. I currently have basically 0 friends, and never really had too many friends throughout my life either, and the ones I did have were more-so just "slightly friendly acquaintances," and I rarely, if ever, hung out with them outside of school, and when I did it was only like once or twice. I've never gotten along too well with people on the internet or on social media either. Even when I seemed to become "friends" with someone on the internet/social media, eventually I just stopped caring about them.
The only 2 people who are really "relevant" in my life are my mom and dad. And I don't give a shit about them. And they can very well tell, and they resent me for it. As parents they are probably okay. Not the best, not the worst. They are definitely often pretty judgemental about my mental health stuff, and see it as just a way for me to be lazy, get out of responsibilities, and not do anything, but at least they let me get the therapy and medications, as well as driving me to places, cooking for me, giving me a place to stay, etc. We've definitely had many arguments many times in the past, and still do sometimes. But hey, things could be worse. At least they didn't kick me out. Then I'd truly have 0 people, and be homeless and starving/thirsty.
But even outside of myself and my failing to connect socially with others, I just don't like this world. Sure, there are some good things, but I've always been pretty naturally pessimistic, and I can't ignore the bad things, and there seems to be so many bad things. Like for example, poverty, homelessness, bodily fluids, pedophiles, racists, murderers, homophobes, transphobes, disgusting insects, diseases, corrupt people in power, mental illnesses, physical disabilities, body odor, etc. I'm not really spiritual or religious, though my parents are...but if God is real, why do all these things exist? It's like a cruel joke.
Even outside of those cases though, I still don't like the average human being. It seems that the average human being, from my experience, both in real life and online, is just extremely judgemental and unpleasant. They judge you for often the littlest things that should be trivial, and often like to exclude you if you're different from them in any way. Though I don't believe I'm much better. If anything I believe me and them are equally shit.
There are a few good things in this world...like food, good sleep, nature scenery...maybe animals, though some of them are gross. But I honestly can't think of too much beyond that. And I don't think the pros outweigh the cons.
The idea of death is honestly pretty comforting to me, and I kind of hope that death is just as simple as eternal sleep, and that the heaven or hell or purgatory shit isn't real. And I believe it should be my right, or anyone's. I didn't ask my mom and dad to bring me to this world...though they insist that "in the spiritual world I agreed to be born." But still...I didn't ask to be brought into this world. I should at least have the right to end my life early if I want, having lived a shitty 20 years, rather than prolonging it to a shitty 70 or 80 years, or whatever the fuck my natural lifespan would be.
I don't really have any specific plans for killing myself, though I keep hoping I just die of a relatively natural cause very soon like a heart attack in my sleep, or a "unlucky" slip and fall, or just catch an illness and die that way. Just please don't let me make it to age 21. Much less anything past that, and I definitely don't wanna make it to age 30 or beyond.
