Venting So frustrated

[platypusfan]

I am complaining again, sorry. I feel like I'm in this loop of false hope. The chronic aches, brain fog, anhedonia, the thoughts, the lack of connection.. I am so stuck. Nothing is working. I don't understand that, I'm trying so hard, I'm doing everything right, and all these things are still there. The brain fog is really bothering me because I can't study, if I can't study I'll fail and I'll lose my worth.. then I'd have to kill myself, but doing that is also so difficult. I feel so stupid. I feel so sorry for my parents that I am like this. I am getting desperate for feeling some sort of connection. I even miss the people who hurt me because I at least felt a connection. I feel like I am a robot walking among all these people. I don't know why I can't feel a connection, I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish I could get someone to actually help, but now I am stuck, like they could help anyways, they never have before. I can't believe I am still like this, it's been years and years and it's just getting worse.

Anyways, I have a method, I think shotgun would be easiest for me. I live in a state where they won't even check if I have mental illness. The problem so far is I have to learn how to use it, and I don't know where to do it, I don't want to do it around people or in my house or my dorm.

But I probably won't do it. Something that is bothering me is my need for survival. I have been suicidal for the last 9 years. How have I not caved in?? In those 9 years I can't even think of many happy memories. I can think of a few, but when I do I remember that the depression, that feeling of pure emptiness is still there. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter what situation im in, it's still there. Now, even though I can control my thoughts, I can't control the feeling. Yet I still can't get myself to do it. I get that means I'm not ready, but why?? I can't possibly think that it's possible for me to be happy.

 

[FuneralCry]

You don't have to apologise for venting, it must be tiring and dreadful what you are going through, it's cruel how people have to suffer in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best, I get that it's awful when existing here just continues to get worse.