So desperate but can’t do it

[madbananas]

Does anyone ever get to the point they are so desperate to ctb but can't do it that they end up in so much distress that they scream and cry and pace around the house because it feels like head is about to explode? Sorry bout second post in one night/day but I'm bursting with the suicidal feelings again

 

[dysfunctional]

Yes, I've been stuck like that for awhile.

 

[madbananas]

Yes, I've been stuck like that for awhile.

It's horrible. It's like being held in a prison by everyone else but also myself. The distress is unbearable. Then I get the professionals telling me I need to tolerate the distress. So even they can't imagine the severity of the distress if they are telling me I need to tolerate it. I also get told that suicide is my choice. It doesn't feel like a choice and if it is then they should be giving a dignified way out. I can't bear the fact I'm going to die alone in the freezing cold.

 

[BipolarGuy]

It's horrible. It's like being held in a prison by everyone else but also myself. The distress is unbearable. Then I get the professionals telling me I need to tolerate the distress. So even they can't imagine the severity of the distress if they are telling me I need to tolerate it. I also get told that suicide is my choice. It doesn't feel like a choice and if it is then they should be giving a dignified way out. I can't bear the fact I'm going to die alone in the freezing cold.

There are good people on this site who will listen.
I'm sorry if this would involve repeating yourself, but what's going on?

 

[Existingnotliving]

Constantly feel like this and it's torture.

 

[madbananas]

There are good people on this site who will listen.
I'm sorry if this would involve repeating yourself, but what's going on?

The people on this site are my only help. thanks to you all, I literally don't know what I'd do without you all.
And months back I tried to kill my self, and when people found out about it they all cut me off. It's a long story and more complex than that but I have major abandonment trauma so when people say stuff like "just move on" or "let go" it kills me more inside (but never on the outside sadly). Being abandoned by one of the few people who I felt understood me has been the most painful thing ever, and it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not a scream and shout, value/devalue person who splits on people. I only experience the idealising part. My attachment style is also screwed because I'm typically avoidant but when I click with the rare amount of people, I feel emotionally attached to them. I do have reason to believe that these people didn't necessarily choose to abandon me because of their current role in my life and have more power over me (works in further education, not as my mental health prof). But I'm now in limbo and it's a major cut. This person told me they loved me and then was apparently told to by higher up to cut me off while I'm still at that education institution. I have significant trauma from early school as well so now it's like a repeated trauma and each time I am sure I have ptsd and it gets worse after every abandonment. People don't understand this and just think I'm acting like a baby but the pain is unbearable.

 

[Pookie]

It's horrible. It's like being held in a prison by everyone else but also myself. The distress is unbearable. Then I get the professionals telling me I need to tolerate the distress. So even they can't imagine the severity of the distress if they are telling me I need to tolerate it. I also get told that suicide is my choice. It doesn't feel like a choice and if it is then they should be giving a dignified way out. I can't bear the fact I'm going to die alone in the freezing cold.

Dying alone in the freezing cold? Are you going to freeze yourself to death?

 

[madbananas]

Constantly feel like this and it's torture.

It is isn't it? Sorry you feel like this too. I reckon for me it's because I live with the feelings of worthlessness constantly and just have to act like everything is ok. But it builds up and builds up and then my brain feels like it explodes. It was so severe after traumatic experience earlier this year that I actually went through an ego death.

Dying alone in the freezing cold? Are you going to freeze yourself to death?

No I'm going to hang. But it's freezing where I live at this time of year. Because of the undignified method, I would rather go through it alone. But say euthanasia was legal and accessible, then without a doubt I would want someone there with me.

 

[BipolarGuy]

The people on this site are my only help. thanks to you all, I literally don't know what I'd do without you all.
And months back I tried to kill my self, and when people found out about it they all cut me off. It's a long story and more complex than that but I have major abandonment trauma so when people say stuff like "just move on" or "let go" it kills me more inside (but never on the outside sadly). Being abandoned by one of the few people who I felt understood me has been the most painful thing ever, and it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not a scream and shout, value/devalue person who splits on people. I only experience the idealising part. My attachment style is also screwed because I'm typically avoidant but when I click with the rare amount of people, I feel emotionally attached to them. I do have reason to believe that these people didn't necessarily choose to abandon me because of their current role in my life and have more power over me (works in further education, not as my mental health prof). But I'm now in limbo and it's a major cut. This person told me they loved me and then was apparently told to by higher up to cut me off while I'm still at that education institution. I have significant trauma from early school as well so now it's like a repeated trauma and each time I am sure I have ptsd and it gets worse after every abandonment. People don't understand this and just think I'm acting like a baby but the pain is unbearable.

Having done a tiny amount of research about it myself, some of the terms you've used suggest to me that you have borderline personality disorder?

 

[muffin222]

Yes, I call these "episodes" and I have them regularly- sometimes daily when my stress levels are too high

 

[Pookie]

It is isn't it? Sorry you feel like this too. I reckon for me it's because I live with the feelings of worthlessness constantly and just have to act like everything is ok. But it builds up and builds up and then my brain feels like it explodes. It was so severe after traumatic experience earlier this year that I actually went through an ego death.

No I'm going to hang. But it's freezing where I live at this time of year. Because of the undignified method, I would rather go through it alone. But say euthanasia was legal and accessible, then without a doubt I would want someone there with me.

I hear you. If only we lived in a society where we had more dignified methods available to us and didn't have to die alone.

 

[madbananas]

Having done a tiny amount of research about it myself, some of the terms you've used suggest to me that you have borderline personality disorder?

Yes I do. But I'm also tired of the label because I'm not taken seriously with it and I hate the fact it says my personality is disordered when it isn't. I know it's just a label, but I absolutely hate it for me. I respect other people don't mind it. But having that has left me with healthcare which just ignores all my experiences which have been hell on earth.

Yes, I call these "episodes" and I have them regularly- sometimes daily when my stress levels are too high

I'm sorry you get them too. They are awful and so debilitating. In my case my brain pretty much ceases to function during the episodes as well. Brain is so overloaded that I can't even string a sentence together. Sending hugs.

I hear you. If only we lived in a society where we had more dignified methods available to us and didn't have to die alone.

Exactly. It's actually cruel having to live and die like this. Sending hugs.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

It is isn't it? Sorry you feel like this too. I reckon for me it's because I live with the feelings of worthlessness constantly and just have to act like everything is ok. But it builds up and builds up and then my brain feels like it explodes. It was so severe after traumatic experience earlier this year that I actually went through an ego death.

No I'm going to hang. But it's freezing where I live at this time of year. Because of the undignified method, I would rather go through it alone. But say euthanasia was legal and accessible, then without a doubt I would want someone there with me.

Ego death in what context? I thought that ego death referres to a transcedental/mystical experience usually achieved through use of psychedelics?

 

[Deleted member 17949]

can relate

 

[madbananas]

Ego death in what context? I thought that ego death referres to a transcedental/mystical experience usually achieved through use of psychedelics?

It's been noted you can experience it through extreme stress and/or traumatic events as well. It was almost like my whole mind reset. My intelligence improved as well during that period (grades went up) and I had no anxiety, no negative thoughts about myself, basically no self esteem whatsoever but in a good way because I wasn't comparing myself to external life.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Does anyone ever get to the point they are so desperate to ctb but can't do it that they end up in so much distress that they scream and cry and pace around the house because it feels like head is about to explode? Sorry bout second post in one night/day but I'm bursting with the suicidal feelings again

I had something like that a few days ago while driving home. It is a bit dangerous, but I get most of my hysterical crying while driving on familiar routes as I have too much time to think then.

The people on this site are my only help. thanks to you all, I literally don't know what I'd do without you all.
And months back I tried to kill my self, and when people found out about it they all cut me off. It's a long story and more complex than that but I have major abandonment trauma so when people say stuff like "just move on" or "let go" it kills me more inside (but never on the outside sadly). Being abandoned by one of the few people who I felt understood me has been the most painful thing ever, and it's not the first time it's happened. I'm not a scream and shout, value/devalue person who splits on people. I only experience the idealising part. My attachment style is also screwed because I'm typically avoidant but when I click with the rare amount of people, I feel emotionally attached to them. I do have reason to believe that these people didn't necessarily choose to abandon me because of their current role in my life and have more power over me (works in further education, not as my mental health prof). But I'm now in limbo and it's a major cut. This person told me they loved me and then was apparently told to by higher up to cut me off while I'm still at that education institution. I have significant trauma from early school as well so now it's like a repeated trauma and each time I am sure I have ptsd and it gets worse after every abandonment. People don't understand this and just think I'm acting like a baby but the pain is unbearable.

That abandonment and "just move on"... I can relate to that completely. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, this pain is excruciating. Hugs to you

 

[Kramer]

I feel that since I'm scared my method won't work. Then I shake and can't sleep.

 

[Captive of Mind]

madbanannas, I am right there with ya. The same exact thing happens to me until I am screaming, "No no no, please get me out of here!" And yet, I am too afraid of something going wrong with drinking the SN. I have no aversion to dying, I just want to make sure I do this right and don't mess it up.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

And yet, I am too afraid of something going wrong with drinking the SN.

That constant overthinking... it has some truth in it but chances are that not much will go wrong.

 

[Captive of Mind]

That constant overthinking... it has some truth in it but chances are that not much will go wrong.

You're right, but the main thing I'm worried about is someone finding me. The chances are really low but it keeps me from doing it. If I lived by myself I would have been gone by now.

 

[madbananas]

I had something like that a few days ago while driving home. It is a bit dangerous, but I get most of my hysterical crying while driving on familiar routes as I have too much time to think then.

That abandonment and "just move on"... I can relate to that completely. I'm sorry that you are in this situation, this pain is excruciating. Hugs to you

I'm sorry you can relate to the situation. It's awful and no none deserves it. Sending hugs back

madbanannas, I am right there with ya. The same exact thing happens to me until I am screaming, "No no no, please get me out of here!" And yet, I am too afraid of something going wrong with drinking the SN. I have no aversion to dying, I just want to make sure I do this right and don't mess it up.

I'm so sorry you experience the same. The pain of it is indescribable. Sending hugs

 

[stoned-cold]

Yeah its a pain that drives people to the edge, feeling imprisoned with your thoughts, and distress. Feels like poison. It was one of the things that made me self harm because i couldn't tolerate it and l wouldn't sleep for days