Vivacious_Vee
Member
- Jun 17, 2023
- 70
Yesterday was the first day I felt like me again, a beautiful feeling, so alive so happy and all because I thought I was catching my bus, sadly I missed it, then I come on here and majority f comments are, oh you're rushing things, you need to do research, or don't be to hasty??
I am 52 years old, so I would say I know a bit. around 36?? Looking back think was when I was 17??? years ago I first slit my wrists and took my first overdose (ended in hospital with stomach pump and charcoal). I did not plan it, I just done it, why? Because I was in a violent relationship, and the beatings where to much for me, I could not see a way out, so drank some larger and downed tablets. 36 years ago we did not have what we do now, there was no way to check you had everything online or get help on forums, as I had no idea what was what. I just knew I wanted out, seen an opportunity and took it, OK so it did not work, but I tried and after that we went our separate ways, so it worked out in the end.
This time, I need to get to my bus, I dont belong here anymore, after feeling so fucking happy yesterday, so happy. I spend so many hours, most of the day, reading and going over what I was going to do, I felt alive doing this, and I was me again. That has just shown me I will never get myself back after what was done to me and moving forward for me, is getting on my bus. I now know I will never be me again, due to the damage done to my body and how my emotions are, but I can make sure I get this right, I have no idea how long I will be waiting for my bus, I just know if family find out then I will probably be having free bed and breakfast.
Just because I don't have a timeline to tick off, or have done this or that, does not mean am being irrational, it means you are judging me for something you have no idea about, yes you know about getting the bus for you, but for me to have an opportunity that works, really works, in the last 9 months I have felt so sick inside, so sick with myself, its the not knowing what happened, that drives me to distraction, then knowing the damage to my body EVERY TIME I use the bathroom, someone standing near me and I vomit inside, I do not want to know, I will never know. I understand there is nothing that can be done about me, I get that, that is done, but knowing those bastards are still working everyday, eats my soul, that is what hurts so bad, I need to stop them. No one who can make a difference believes me, if they did, they would stop at nothing to make them accountable for their actions.
I am not going to follow or be told what others think is the right time for ME to do something, if I had listened to others I would of dropped what happened and just let them carry on... I just know what works for me, of course offer advice, but telling me how to act, think? Or that I should make sure I find everything out? Granted it might only be a couple of days, but what works for you might not be right for me. I need to catch my bus now, if feels so right, I feel right in saying this, I need to get on my bus, I have failed at trying one thing, but thankfully there are other things. I am just going to use yesterday as a trial run.
My fucking neck hurts so bad today, going to visit family now, I will be quiet, will say laryngitis or something. Enjoy your day all, and if anyone catches their bus, I am so happy for you and truly hope you find where you want be with peace and tranquillity. Ocean of love Vee
I am 52 years old, so I would say I know a bit. around 36?? Looking back think was when I was 17??? years ago I first slit my wrists and took my first overdose (ended in hospital with stomach pump and charcoal). I did not plan it, I just done it, why? Because I was in a violent relationship, and the beatings where to much for me, I could not see a way out, so drank some larger and downed tablets. 36 years ago we did not have what we do now, there was no way to check you had everything online or get help on forums, as I had no idea what was what. I just knew I wanted out, seen an opportunity and took it, OK so it did not work, but I tried and after that we went our separate ways, so it worked out in the end.
This time, I need to get to my bus, I dont belong here anymore, after feeling so fucking happy yesterday, so happy. I spend so many hours, most of the day, reading and going over what I was going to do, I felt alive doing this, and I was me again. That has just shown me I will never get myself back after what was done to me and moving forward for me, is getting on my bus. I now know I will never be me again, due to the damage done to my body and how my emotions are, but I can make sure I get this right, I have no idea how long I will be waiting for my bus, I just know if family find out then I will probably be having free bed and breakfast.
Just because I don't have a timeline to tick off, or have done this or that, does not mean am being irrational, it means you are judging me for something you have no idea about, yes you know about getting the bus for you, but for me to have an opportunity that works, really works, in the last 9 months I have felt so sick inside, so sick with myself, its the not knowing what happened, that drives me to distraction, then knowing the damage to my body EVERY TIME I use the bathroom, someone standing near me and I vomit inside, I do not want to know, I will never know. I understand there is nothing that can be done about me, I get that, that is done, but knowing those bastards are still working everyday, eats my soul, that is what hurts so bad, I need to stop them. No one who can make a difference believes me, if they did, they would stop at nothing to make them accountable for their actions.
I am not going to follow or be told what others think is the right time for ME to do something, if I had listened to others I would of dropped what happened and just let them carry on... I just know what works for me, of course offer advice, but telling me how to act, think? Or that I should make sure I find everything out? Granted it might only be a couple of days, but what works for you might not be right for me. I need to catch my bus now, if feels so right, I feel right in saying this, I need to get on my bus, I have failed at trying one thing, but thankfully there are other things. I am just going to use yesterday as a trial run.
My fucking neck hurts so bad today, going to visit family now, I will be quiet, will say laryngitis or something. Enjoy your day all, and if anyone catches their bus, I am so happy for you and truly hope you find where you want be with peace and tranquillity. Ocean of love Vee
