Was wayed down by the grief I'll cause for a while but now that it's only weeks away I actually feel in a good mood for the first time in years. Not sure how long it'll last but am kinda grateful. Ironic isn't it?
Dreamcolleger
I surrender... I SURRENDER!
- Apr 26, 2019
- 219
Yes I know what you mean, I felt the same as my stuff was beginning to arrive. When you have it all and go for the attempt you might feel a bit worse, I made the mistake of rushing it and the meto gave me problems I couldn't get past. If you stay in the right mindset and don't push yourself into it too soon you might stay like you are now.
Tazmaniac
Member
- Aug 6, 2019
- 53
Same feeling. It's been a surreal feeling. Very conflicting too. I'm glad you posted this. I have been feeling discombobulated since suddenly realizing that I'm actually ready. I usually just throw around different scenarios in my mind, going through all of the self talk..."why can't I just die?, don't want to hurt anymore. What am I so afraid of? What's gonna happen?"
Then, I hit a point where none of the questions matter anymore. My plan became crystal clear, and I started taking the steps.
What I'm experiencing now is how it feels to have all your normal interactions with other people, knowing your going to die shortly, and they don't. You can't get caught up in thinking about the last thoughts your giving someone about yourself, what they are going to think about that last interaction with you.
What I'm saying is...once you reach the point where your comfortable with your whole plan...all the old obsessive thoughts about wanting to die, are replaced with a whole new set of obsessive thoughts and extremely weird emotions and feelings, which in turn stop the hurt and pain...wicked paradox that I'm kinda just riding the wave right now, but continuing on with my plans. Hate to admit it, but where I felt nervous and anxious about making the commitment, I feel excited and purpose driven.
Then, I hit a point where none of the questions matter anymore. My plan became crystal clear, and I started taking the steps.
What I'm experiencing now is how it feels to have all your normal interactions with other people, knowing your going to die shortly, and they don't. You can't get caught up in thinking about the last thoughts your giving someone about yourself, what they are going to think about that last interaction with you.
What I'm saying is...once you reach the point where your comfortable with your whole plan...all the old obsessive thoughts about wanting to die, are replaced with a whole new set of obsessive thoughts and extremely weird emotions and feelings, which in turn stop the hurt and pain...wicked paradox that I'm kinda just riding the wave right now, but continuing on with my plans. Hate to admit it, but where I felt nervous and anxious about making the commitment, I feel excited and purpose driven.
LifeOver
Professional Suicide Attempter
- Jul 23, 2019
- 116
I cant understand why this isn't discussed more often, I have 2 anxiety disorders and I honestly feel so detached to life as a whole it's like there's absolutely no pressure. Truly amazed. Being a firm atheist may help in my case
Tazmaniac
Member
- Aug 6, 2019
- 53
Hardcore Atheist, but being conditioned in the church from birth, is a very hard mindset to get out of. Maybe why it's taken me till I'm in my 50's to finally be okay with dying and knowing there isn't anything on the other side.
I feel the same way. Although I haven't set a date it's something that I finally control
The Mute Viking
α †⊕r†⊕urεd p⊕ε†
- Oct 10, 2018
- 202
I wish I could have all those thoughts and feelings, I just so feel empty. Like I'm just fooling myself into thinking I'll do it. I tell myself all thoughts you have as well.
Yet, I cannot just get fucking motivated to DO ANYTHING beyond grab a belt and hang it from a fucking doorway.
I'm not scared of the pain, of what's beyond, but more of the finality of it.
I'm in limbo despite knowing full well I want to die.
I was this way for over the past few years, I just recently got over it. Good luck in your future
Tazmaniac
Member
- Aug 6, 2019
- 53
You need to understand that where you are is perfectly normal! I know it doesn't feel like it.
My age (54) should allow me to offer a little of advice...
You will cycle through periods of being motivated to not wanting to get out of bed.
You MUST stop the self talk that your lazy, unmotivated, useless, numb, and stop telling yourself your "bad" for feeling what you feel!
You feel numb, because your letting everyone else tell you that your feelings and your needs don't matter, including yourself. You've convinced yourself that their right, and your telling yourself the same thing...do something different and challenge yourself.
Go volunteer at an animal shelter, nursing home, go read a book to preschoolers....GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD!
Feel whatever you want to feel....fuck everyone else, if you feel like being mean, be mean (not in a violent way) write a nasty letter to someone that deserves to be told off. Find a fraud online and expose them.
Just do something different besides what your doing.
My age (54) should allow me to offer a little of advice...
You will cycle through periods of being motivated to not wanting to get out of bed.
You MUST stop the self talk that your lazy, unmotivated, useless, numb, and stop telling yourself your "bad" for feeling what you feel!
You feel numb, because your letting everyone else tell you that your feelings and your needs don't matter, including yourself. You've convinced yourself that their right, and your telling yourself the same thing...do something different and challenge yourself.
Go volunteer at an animal shelter, nursing home, go read a book to preschoolers....GET OUT OF YOUR OWN HEAD!
Feel whatever you want to feel....fuck everyone else, if you feel like being mean, be mean (not in a violent way) write a nasty letter to someone that deserves to be told off. Find a fraud online and expose them.
Just do something different besides what your doing.
I appreciate your advice to save human life but I dont want it simply put. I've had enough of life and want to be able to checkout at my convenience I know I'll leave pain but that's not my responsibility nor burden. I am done
Tazmaniac
Member
- Aug 6, 2019
- 53
I agree with you...what I meant was, when I got out of my own misery, I could focus more on my plan to succeed in ending my life. I know that sounds contradictory but it's what happened for me.
When I quit letting all the voices around me, dictate what and how I am supposed to feel...I said fuck all of you, I quit wallowing in my depression, took action towards my plans...solid actions...and all that bullshit that was keeping me from moving forward, was gone and replaced with a peace and knowledge that I am truly ready.
I choose to spend my last few weeks doing things for other people, rather than being who everyone else wants me or expects me to be. Being around others, being kind to them, when you know your going to die and they don't, gives you so much power...more than you've ever had in your life, what I meant was, getting out of your own head...will CLEAR your mind.
And you can feel all those things that you want to feel before you die.
When I quit letting all the voices around me, dictate what and how I am supposed to feel...I said fuck all of you, I quit wallowing in my depression, took action towards my plans...solid actions...and all that bullshit that was keeping me from moving forward, was gone and replaced with a peace and knowledge that I am truly ready.
I choose to spend my last few weeks doing things for other people, rather than being who everyone else wants me or expects me to be. Being around others, being kind to them, when you know your going to die and they don't, gives you so much power...more than you've ever had in your life, what I meant was, getting out of your own head...will CLEAR your mind.
And you can feel all those things that you want to feel before you die.
Tazmaniac
Member
- Aug 6, 2019
- 53
Sorry...don't know what Mb is referencing, and I'm not trying to be right, I'm trying to share what has worked for me over the years
The Mute Viking
α †⊕r†⊕urεd p⊕ε†
- Oct 10, 2018
- 202
I'm not even sure really. Been plagued with anxiety my whole life and after planning ctb seriously for a couple months it's all just come together. Very much at peace with it. Wish you all a peaceful state of mind like this should you choose to leave
