Venting So angry

[Hexen]

I might start drinking cause I can't fall asleep. Shit just keeps bothering me when I go to sleep. I am so angry all the time and honestly I feel like I could hurt someone. Just wanna do something violent. Everything I do is shit on, raped and taken from me and I want to take revenge. What is the point of moving forward if the shit just keeps piling up.
I watch a lot of near death experience videos lately. People say its really pleasant and they are no longer afraid of death. Maybe its not that bad after all. I might hang myself on my birthday, never wanted to grow old anyway. Sorry this post doesn't make a lot of sense, just needed to get this out of my head.

 

[justanotherday]

I might start drinking cause I can't fall asleep. Shit just keeps bothering me when I go to sleep. I am so angry all the time and honestly I feel like I could hurt someone. Just wanna do something violent. Everything I do is shit on, raped and taken from me and I want to take revenge. What is the point of moving forward if the shit just keeps piling up.
I watch a lot of near death experience videos lately. People say its really pleasant and they are no longer afraid of death. Maybe its not that bad after all. I might hang myself on my birthday, never wanted to grow old anyway. Sorry this post doesn't make a lot of sense, just needed to get this out of my head.

I have a lot of anger too. I lost most of my things, no longer can afford the one hobby in life that made me happy at least once in a while.... it has all been stripped from me. I am depressed and very angry about it all. I get easily annoyed because nerves on edge from anger and depression, ect... I can barely contain my contempt for life right now

 

[Hexen]

I have a lot of anger too. I lost most of my things, no longer can afford the one hobby in life that made me happy at least once in a while.... it has all been stripped from me. I am depressed and very angry about it all. I get easily annoyed because nerves on edge from anger and depression, ect... I can barely contain my contempt for life right now

Yep thats what happens when you are constantly step on and fucked. I have kind of similiar thing with my hobby.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I had a very good life before I got sick with the highest ranking pain condition in medical history when I was 20. I'm 34 now but I died at 20 years old. That is when everything stopped. I've become very angry that I've physically lashed out on the people who I love the most. I feel awful about it afterwards. But after 14 straight years of nothing but pain and isolation that is going to happen to anyone. When people smile it makes me sick. And these doctors...I swear I had to hold myself back from putting my hands around ones neck. No one understands. When you do nothing but suffer it's hard not to lose your temper. And the little things that never seemed to bother you anymore all of a sudden cause you to flip out.

 

[Hexen]

I had a very good life before I got sick with the highest ranking pain condition in medical history when I was 20. I'm 34 now but I died at 20 years old. That is when everything stopped. I've become very angry that I've physically lashed out on the people who I love the most. I feel awful about it afterwards. But after 14 straight years of nothing but pain and isolation that is going to happen to anyone. When people smile it makes me sick. And these doctors...I swear I had to hold myself back from putting my hands around ones neck. No one understands. When you do nothing but suffer it's hard not to lose your temper. And the little things that never seemed to bother you anymore all of a sudden cause you to flip out.

Oh yes the line "I am still alive but I died a long time ago" resonates with me well. Everyone tells you "its gonna be better!", "there are many options!", "you didnt think this through!". When you ask them what options do I have then they answer "I don't know but you can't jump to that conclusion immediately!". Then why the fuck are you telling me I do have options when you don't have a clue. I became a loner because of how many people fucked me over. Its not worth it to try to get a friend if there is a big chance of them stealing my shit or just using me.
Its important to try to control yourself in those angry situations but man I have lost all the patience and my nerves are fried from trying to control myself. I have come to understand many of the murderers. You just can't do anything to fix the situation and stop the person from abusing you so you do the worst thing. I even though about joining the army so I could have an excuse for hurting people.

Also what sucks is anyone who sees my post will think that I am either being edgy or I am just creepy psychopath and will feel need to distance themselves from me. If I wrote this on reddit I bet someone would write that dumb joke "wE tRuLy LiVe iN a sOcIeTy". That is why people kill themselves and why they do horrible stuff. Nobody takes them seriously. Even when they tell you "you can always talk to me", "call the suicide hotline", "talk to someone", "you matter". You try all those options and end up in front of a wall. Eventually people get sick of you, suicide hotlines send you to the loony bin and hand you the bill 5000000$, you talk to someone and they don't have any advice nor do they care that much. Who do you matter then to? Family? sure, but anyone else? Not really.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Oh yes the line "I am still alive but I died a long time ago" resonates with me well. Everyone tells you "its gonna be better!", "there are many options!", "you didnt think this through!". When you ask them what options do I have then they answer "I don't know but you can't jump to that conclusion immediately!". Then why the fuck are you telling me I do have options when you don't have a clue. I became a loner because of how many people fucked me over. Its not worth it to try to get a friend if there is a big chance of them stealing my shit or just using me.
Its important to try to control yourself in those angry situations but man I have lost all the patience and my nerves are fried from trying to control myself. I have come to understand many of the murderers. You just can't do anything to fix the situation and stop the person from abusing you so you do the worst thing. I even though about joining the army so I could have an excuse for hurting people.

Also what sucks is anyone who sees my post will think that I am either being edgy or I am just creepy psychopath and will feel need to distance themselves from me. If I wrote this on reddit I bet someone would write that dumb joke "wE tRuLy LiVe iN a sOcIeTy". That is why people kill themselves and why they do horrible stuff. Nobody takes them seriously. Even when they tell you "you can always talk to me", "call the suicide hotline", "talk to someone", "you matter". You try all those options and end up in front of a wall. Eventually people get sick of you, suicide hotlines send you to the loony bin and hand you the bill 5000000$, you talk to someone and they don't have any advice nor do they care that much. Who do you matter then to? Family? sure, but anyone else? Not really.

Yeah I matter to about three people. Family has disowned me. And during this 14 year period of being really physically sick, my dad and grandmother died, and I was very close to my grandmother. I loved my dad but I know he wouldn't believe what I'm going through and wouldn't be supportive like my granfather is. What is the exact reason you want to commit suicide?

 

[Hexen]

Yeah I matter to about three people. Family has disowned me. And during this 14 year period of being really physically sick, my dad and grandmother died, and I was very close to my grandmother. I loved my dad but I know he wouldn't believe what I'm going through and wouldn't be supportive like my grandfather is. What is the exact reason you want to commit suicide?

Fuck! Deaths of the close ones are terrible. I have lost aunt and grandfather and I live with mom so I only have one parent so I don't really know what its like when your parent dies. Why did they disown you?

There is a bunch of reasons its not just one. I have bad genetics that are causing health and cosmetic issues, I am poor and don't have a job, I have a social anxiety so it is hard for me to find a suitable job, I am currently leaving university, it was my last year but I have not finished it yet nor do I plan to finish it because I never even liked it, I am a creative person who loves art and I just won't be able to make living doing that and also my work was stolen, I don't have any friends, I do have people I know but they are all living now abroad but they are not good friends, those relationships kind of dissolved and these days I am alone, I feel really sad and very anxious all the time and it never seems to end. I am too stuck in wishing I could live in the past. There is more but my brain is fried to be honest.