SN is here and I'm really sad

[FsMama]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so unbearably. This life really is so painful and devastating. To me, it is awful how suicide is so stigmatised and that we cannot just pass away peacefully at a time of our own choosing. I hope that you find relief from your pain in whatever happens and I wish you the best.

 

[outrider567]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

'looked at pictures of people that died from SN' why the hell would you do that? To me, that shows doubt that you really want to CTB... but there's no doubt about your present suffering

 

[meetapple]

It is bad enough that you have to CTB. But being alone makes it worse. Maybe you can find someone on SS to be with when you take SN. In any event I hope your suffering will end no matter what you choose.

 

[FsMama]

'looked at pictures of people that died from SN' why the hell would you do that?
I was just googling for research and it was just there!! It was so easy to find.

 

[whywere]

Howdy! 1st and foremost, you are NEVER EVER alone on SS. I like to think that we are all one huge international family that loves, cares, has empathy and kindness towards all.

With that aspect said, I am also all alone, no family nor friends, except everyone here, and I consider you a very good friend and want the best for you always. I have said all of this so many times on here before, I am 66 years young, reference point, 2 attempts, 24/7 chronic pain, and I always feel the love of everyone here. I also hope that I can in turn be there for folks, as we are all the same, period.

I was kicked out when I was 18, never heard from my parents again ever, their choice 100%, and when I found this site, it was so darn nice, like coming home for me.

You are such a kind and kindred soul, I reread your post over and over again, and I am like WOW! you are so darn nice, thoughtful and such a loving spirit.

We are all the same period, and with that aspect said, I really do care a lot about you, I am always 100% honest and I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. always will.

We are all in this together and I send you lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a very important part of my life here on SS. We are ONE, period. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

Lots of sunny blue skies and soft warm breezes for/to you, my awesome friend.

Walter

Gee never liked my first name, but too old to change it!

 

[hankbank3928]

I wish you the best!

 

[September5th]

I wish you the best in whatever decision you take. That said, don't drink it without taking the meds. It will be much worse for you.
May you be happy

 

[Anxious_Panda]

I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you everything will be okay. But that's just not realistic. I know. :( You're never alone. No matter what, you have all of us behind you. No matter what your choice is. You are seen, heard, and cared about. I hope you find your peace, however that may be.

 

[virgilwalks]

Your life has worth and you are not alone. We are here for you.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I think if you do go through with it, you should make it as easy on yourself as possible. At least try and get some OTC meds for your stomach. I mean, like all of us, you are obviously miserable for whatever reasons are yours. Why be miserable in death, too? Make it as comfortable as you can. No matter what you decide to do, I hope you find the peace you deserve, whether in life or in death.

 

[CrazyHorse]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

Hi Femama I ordered my sn last week and I am waiting for it to get here. I have identical feelings as you, like setting it on the counter just cut me, I know the exact feeling. I am so sorry you feel this way and I hope you find relief somehow.

'looked at pictures of people that died from SN' why the hell would you do that?
I was just googling for research and it was just there!! It was so easy to find.

You are so fortunate to still have your dog....

 

[freedompass]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

Yes, I imagine most people on this site can completely relate. Society dictates that all lives need to be preserved at all costs and offers no relief or release for those who struggle and suffer daily. The result for those who are desperate enough to override the survival instinct, is a lonely, painful, scary death. Gee, thanks prolifers!

Lately I have wondered if I will ever overcome SI. There is absolutely no guarantee I will. I'm 60 now, watching my mother deteriorate mentally and physically. Will that be my fate too when even at 50 I was mentally done with this life?

Sorry haha I invariably go off at tangents when I comment here. Contemplating a death by your own hand tends to make you reflect and consider stuff that the 'normals' never do. I believe we instinctively look for solutions, answers which are rarely found. I think it's pretty much a reflex of the human brain caught in a permanent fight or flight mode. This site is an invaluable place to explore such ideas freely since elsewhere they are shut down. Instead we are urged to seek help that doesn't exist.

This, dear prolifers is the price paid by a 'silenced minority' of suffering people denied the peaceful supported exit that should be their right. So yeah, keep up the platitudes and patronisation safe in the mistaken belief/delusion that 'life is good' and 'help is out there' blah. I hope for your sakes you never have cause to revise your beliefs because I literally would not wish this on my worst enemy.

 

[asb13]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

I feel you on what you wrote here. Every word you say. Praying for your love, peace and comfort

 

[Le_Dauphin]

I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure of that as well. Those few cases in which people claim to have felt extreme pain scare the hell out of me, and I do wonder if many others did not claim the same just because they lost their ability to do so before dying, giving us the illusion of a "peaceful death". However, much like you, I do not have a choice, and will have to know it for myself very soon. Let's hope it surprises us positively, though, and I hope that my male body withstands it as well. Best wishes, whatever that means on such circumstances.

 

[dredd1981]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

To be fair, no matter how you die, your corpse isn't going to look very pretty after a few days/weeks. I used to be a cop and have seen bodies in all different stages of decomposition. They look horrible and they smell horrible, the method really doesn't matter. Though I did watch a video of a girl who ctb with SN, she was on a video call or something and documented it. Toward the end she showed her fingers which had started to turn blue. SN had been my method of choice but seeing my Smurf fingers I would probably freak out and it would probably trigger SI. I started to look into SA instead, it works faster and you don't need to take as much of it so you've a better chance of keeping it down. It kills you in a different way from SN, so I don't think you'd have the blue fingers/toes/nose thing going on with it. I'm pretty up and down at the minute, right now I'm more up than down so don't have any immediate plans but if and when….SA will be how I do it.

 

[FsMama]

To be fair, no matter how you die, your corpse isn't going to look very pretty after a few days/weeks. I used to be a cop and have seen bodies in all different stages of decomposition. They look horrible and they smell horrible, the method really doesn't matter. Though I did watch a video of a girl who ctb with SN, she was on a video call or something and documented it. Toward the end she showed her fingers which had started to turn blue. SN had been my method of choice but seeing my Smurf fingers I would probably freak out and it would probably trigger SI. I started to look into SA instead, it works faster and you don't need to take as much of it so you've a better chance of keeping it down. It kills you in a different way from SN, so I don't think you'd have the blue fingers/toes/nose thing going on with it. I'm pretty up and down at the minute, right now I'm more up than down so don't have any immediate plans but if and when….SA will be how I do it.

Can I leave a note for the cops to NOT let a specific person identify me? Please tell me what happens after they find me? How does law enforcement investigate a suicide?

 

[its-about-time]

I feel similarly about wanting to be cuddled up with loved ones and my pets when I die. I too don't believe SN is totally painless, but I'm coming to terms with being sick and such when I die. I think I can handle that unless it's much worse than I'm imagining. Having it on-hand is an odd experience. I'm sending you virtual hugs and love

 

[NothingElseMatters]

Howdy! 1st and foremost, you are NEVER EVER alone on SS. I like to think that we are all one huge international family that loves, cares, has empathy and kindness towards all.

With that aspect said, I am also all alone, no family nor friends, except everyone here, and I consider you a very good friend and want the best for you always. I have said all of this so many times on here before, I am 66 years young, reference point, 2 attempts, 24/7 chronic pain, and I always feel the love of everyone here. I also hope that I can in turn be there for folks, as we are all the same, period.

I was kicked out when I was 18, never heard from my parents again ever, their choice 100%, and when I found this site, it was so darn nice, like coming home for me.

You are such a kind and kindred soul, I reread your post over and over again, and I am like WOW! you are so darn nice, thoughtful and such a loving spirit.

We are all the same period, and with that aspect said, I really do care a lot about you, I am always 100% honest and I wear my heart on my sleeve, always have. always will.

We are all in this together and I send you lots of huge hugs, love and the knowledge that you are a very important part of my life here on SS. We are ONE, period. Hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder.

Lots of sunny blue skies and soft warm breezes for/to you, my awesome friend.

Walter

Gee never liked my first name, but too old to change it!

many hugs to you walter

 

[rs929]

It's fine if you don't do it. Just remember that.

 

[ayb]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

If you're looking for encouragement here to CTB you aren't going to find it. That being said please do think long and hard and weigh all your options. Such a decision is final and perhaps the most important one you can ever make during your life. I wish you nothing but peace.

 

[Ethereal Knight]

Those few cases in which people claim to have felt extreme pain scare the hell out of me

these were probably "pro-life" and "fixthe26" people trying to dissuade others from using SN. they have an ideological agenda, and unfortunately they're willing to lie to push that agenda. anyone can write anything on the internet, so we should always be skeptic and double or triple-check the truthfulness of the statements (including these ones).

SN is relatively peaceful.

the bad parts are probably the taste in the mouth, the nausea and the headache.

the good parts are needless to mention here.

PPH also supports the idea that SN is peaceful.

the doctor who writes PPH is very respectable and puts a lot of effort into finding how peaceful suicide methods are in truth.

 

[Venture98]

Where did you find pics?

 

[Le_Dauphin]

these were probably "pro-life" and "fixthe26" people trying to dissuade others from using SN. they have an ideological agenda, and unfortunately they're willing to lie to push that agenda. anyone can write anything on the internet, so we should always be skeptic and double or triple-check the truthfulness of the statements (including these ones).

SN is relatively peaceful.

the bad parts are probably the taste in the mouth, the nausea and the headache.

the good parts are needless to mention here.

PPH also supports the idea that SN is peaceful.

the doctor who writes PPH is very respectable and puts a lot of effort into finding how peaceful suicide methods are in truth.

Vi em outros posts que vc também é brasileiro, muito obrigado pelas observações!!

 

[endmypain]

I feel sorry for you

 

[Judy Garland]

My SN was delivered yesterday. I just left it unopened on my kitchen counter.
It feels so real. I feel so sad and resigned. I don't have a date yet but I feel ready. I plan to just take SN, I'm not bothered enough to get any prescription meds.

I want to spend my last few days/weeks feeling loved but I'm sadly alone.
I think about my corpse. I looked at some pictures of someone that died from SN and it looks horrible. It makes me sad that I'll look like that. Sad that someone I love will have to look at me like that to identify my body. I'm pretty sure SN is not as painless as people on here make it seem. I know I'm going to be in a lot of pain. Women give birth to babies, I think my female body can tolerate the pain until I pass out.

I wish I could just ctb surrounded by people I love, cuddling my dog and just fall into eternal sleep. I want my 'leaving' to be a calm event. I feel utterly sad and alone. I grieve for my child self and what my life could have been.

I'm being extra kind and loving towards the people I love. I hope they remember me this way.

Hi FsMama, are you still here? I'm alone too. I hope things have gotten better for you. The pictures of dead people from SN freaked me out a little bit too. But now I've accepted the fact that there will be some discoloration to my limbs as I lift into death. It would be nice if I could call my cousin one last time so if she could be with me on the phone while I die. So I wouldn't be alone. I haven't spoken to her in years and people would call me selfish. The only people who will be around will probably just be my neighbors. And I hope they don't hear any noises (like gasping, breathing loudly, groaning) as I die.

 

[SadJessu]

I see you haven't been here since May, I wish you peace. So much of what you've said resonates with me. Rest well.

 

[blue_muse]

It's a bittersweet feeling once you have the means in your hands. You just sound like you're having the usual mixture of emotions . Turning off the lights permanently is nerve-wracking stuff. Keep talking to us.

I hope you find peace .