Discussion "Smiling Depression"

[Sleeper System]

Looking happy on the outside when, in reality, you're struggling with feelings of internal hopelessness and sadness.

I know there are some people who have this sort of coping mechanism. I can't really fathom the energy that it takes to do this.

Personally, I prefer to have an offputting angry "don't bother me" look on my face 95% of the time. However, the moment someone interacts with me, that's when the switch flips and i'm a very friendly and warm person. I think that sort of developed for me througout
working in a retail enviroment where customer service was a part of the job. Either way, it's all an act in both cases.

I'm not happy outside or inside but I will not subject people to dealing with my problems when they're just being human.

My favorite phrase to tell people when they ask why I always look mad is " I'm a friendly person but not a sociable one."
Meaning, I will treat you with respect and kindess and help you if I can but don't mistake that for me WANTING to talk to you.
I lost my smile and happiness a long time ago. This mask is just a cover to help me deal with my grim life prospective.

When it comes to interacting with others in real life... how do you go about it when you know deep down you
don't want to even be alive let alone talking to that person??

 

[brokeandbroken]

Looking happy on the outside when, in reality, you're struggling with feelings of internal hopelessness and sadness.

I know there are some people who have this sort of coping mechanism. I can't really fathom the energy that it takes to do this.

Personally, I prefer to have an offputting angry "don't bother me" look on my face 95% of the time. However, the moment someone interacts with me, that's when the switch flips and i'm a very friendly and warm person. I think that sort of developed for me througout
working in a retail enviroment where customer service was a part of the job. Either way, it's all an act in both cases.

I'm not happy outside or inside but I will not subject people to dealing with my problems when they're just being human.

My favorite phrase to tell people when they ask why I always look mad is " I'm a friendly person but not a sociable one."
Meaning, I will treat you with respect and kindess and help you if I can but don't mistake that for me WANTING to talk to you.
I lost my smile and happiness a long time ago. This mask is just a cover to help me deal with my grim life prospective.

When it comes to interacting with others in real life... how do you go about it when you know deep down you
don't want to even be alive let alone talking to that person??

View attachment 126563

Yeah I definitely (try to) mask how I'm feeling. I try to be as upbeat as I can. That said somedays it's harder...

 

[BlackMoon]

Sometimes I genuinely smile or laugh because in the instant, something really joyful or funny happened. But I hate when it happens because everyone start to think I'm not really depressed, I'm not really sad, etc. That I just want to be edgy.

It hurts me.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

When I was working I'd have to put on a fake smile, because I talked to customers daily. So, I just forced myself to put on a mask and pretend that I was happy, when I'm really not. I still pretend and fake a smile now and then. But, I find it to be extremely exhausting at times.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm very similar to you and for the same reason- I worked 10 years in retail. It's like you become constantly 'useful' and subservient to people. I never looked happy about it though! My managers used to tell me to smile more.

I actually live quite a solitary life now. I live and work alone. I pretty much only speak to my Dad on the phone. Everyone else, it's the occassional text. I always struggled with feeling anxious around people too. Weirdly though, I've found more recently that I'm not so bad at putting on an act with people and making small talk. It has even been quite nice sometimes. I guess- just the contrast.

It's kind of weird though because it's like it's on another level. But then- there are different levels to me. I want to wait till my Dad goes first before I CTB and- up until then, I need to support myself financially. So- that person has to be like everyone else- worried about work etc. So, I guess it's them that tries to speak 'normally' to people but then, directly afterwards, I can't help but think- I guess they would be surprised that I do actually want to kill myself in the end!

Plenty of people are struggling in life I find though- so, you can usually go so far as to revealing that you find life hard. I think most people probably just assume that you're like them if you follow it by saying everyone has it difficult at the moment. That or, they're suicidal too and bluffing too!

 

[Abyssal]

I fall under the smiling depression title. It's not so much about personality as it is keeping up an act of being okay. I think the need to not concern anyone might be a part of what brought me to this point, so it'd be odd if I broke that now. I just need to keep up the act until May.

 

[LifeTransit_1]

I do mask my feeling very often. Especially in public. The problem with society is that they expect you to look & act nice.

 

[PrettyPotato]

Yep I'm 100% wearing a mask of cheerfulness when I'm out and about - and even when posting online tbh.
I've done it out of necessity since I was a kid -quickly learnt that it's a very effective way of subtly manipulating any situation.

It's definitely pretty exhausting sometimes though!

 

[Neverfeltdeader]

Ugh, it's a strugggllllle. I own a dog walking business so I have no choice but to go out everyday and interact with my clients as well as strangers. I absolutely hate it because I have to pretend that I'm the happiest person on Earth, yet here I am crying on almost every dog walk. I'm starting to worry that the depression is starting to show on the outside (how I physically look). It takes a lot of energy and money that I don't have to try to look "normal" and keep up with my appearance. I just cant anymore. I can't pretend to be happy and sane; nevertheless, I have no choice because a) it's the only way I make income b)I don't want people to know what I'm really going through. Even though it's impossible, I want to try to convince everyone around me that I'm the happiest, kindest, friendliest person in town and I don't want anyone to suspect that I'm planning out my suicide in the process.

 

[Sleeper System]

I'm very similar to you and for the same reason- I worked 10 years in retail. It's like you become constantly 'useful' and subservient to people. I never looked happy about it though! My managers used to tell me to smile more.

I actually live quite a solitary life now. I live and work alone. I pretty much only speak to my Dad on the phone. Everyone else, it's the occassional text. I always struggled with feeling anxious around people too. Weirdly though, I've found more recently that I'm not so bad at putting on an act with people and making small talk. It has even been quite nice sometimes. I guess- just the contrast.

It's kind of weird though because it's like it's on another level. But then- there are different levels to me. I want to wait till my Dad goes first before I CTB and- up until then, I need to support myself financially. So- that person has to be like everyone else- worried about work etc. So, I guess it's them that tries to speak 'normally' to people but then, directly afterwards, I can't help but think- I guess they would be surprised that I do actually want to kill myself in the end!

Plenty of people are struggling in life I find though- so, you can usually go so far as to revealing that you find life hard. I think most people probably just assume that you're like them if you follow it by saying everyone has it difficult at the moment. That or, they're suicidal too and bluffing too!

I'm on my 12th year working retail. It's a daily struggle. It's crazy how the personality that I created at work suddenly kind of became a default setting outside of work. I'm always polite to people and excuse myself often. Constantly saying " I'm sorry " or "my bad" and it's sickening in retrospect.

It would take someone calling me out for me to show my true colors. Verbal assassin with nothing to lose and ready to die. xD

I also have someone that I'm waiting to go before me. I feel like a bad person for even saying or thinking or wanting that but it's where I'm at mentally. Once they go then I have nothing left in the world to really stay for.

 

[UnwillingSavior]

Yup, I've tried to change my behavior very little in order to hide the depression. Like doing my car maintenance, facial hygiene, bike riding, etc... just to seem like nothing has changed about me. As the days pass though, I'm finding I have less and less energy to keep this up. As my planned date grows closer I'm beginning to feel sleepier and number. Eventually someone might notice but it'll be too late then.

Ironically enough though, I think I'm growing more afraid of my day coming closer. I guess my SI is beginning to show, but I feel like maybe I want to live? It's a frustrating thing, of all times I don't want to feel like that now! There's too much I already have set up, if I try to save myself now it'll just mean I have to climb out of this pit I dug for myself.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I hear you...
Worked in Customer Service for..let's say decades already. Not the type to be far from the front line too. It's quite possible that i've spoken to some people when they ask for a CS manager.
What i've learned is... 99.9% of people you encounter when outside, don't talk with the intent to listen. they talk to you with the intent to reply. This means that there's a pre-programmed response that they are expecting. For example, the phrase "How are you?" is not used to find out how that person is, it's used as a preamble or a filler.
Having said that, for me it's something like defense mechanism. I have a resting b*stard face, because it's a non-verbal sign to not approach me. I've lost count of the number of times i've been told by my boss to change/fix it, but being the a*hole I am, I just say I'll try.
I think being in Customer Service has just made me accept that interaction is unavoidable, so i try to limit it as much as possible and just make it through the shift. In my case i either walk fast, so it's difficult to keep up, have headphones on all the time (thank God for the over ear ones, they announce you have them on).

 

[yoyogirl]

That's what lots of people do when they have depression to cope with it.