Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 88
I've put my foot down and set my date for which day I'm last to exit on. It feels miles away, then again its not necessarily then. Hopefully this summer or early autumn is the more realistic time when my opportunity is available. The set criteria is to not have anyone around to disrupt the process or to tie those memories to a place. So a dorm is the more likely place for that (since its not a shared space and no one Will enter). If I'm not able to get a place until then It'll be outside on one of the endless many mountains here. Set up a tent and bring a storm kitchen to add my last meal to. However that would mean someone could be unfortunate to find me. But its always good to have a backup if the first one fails. At least the summers here are lacking dark nights so a Long trip isn't difficult to do on a whim.
Kind of just feels more and more agonising to wait until then. My situation only gets worse by the day. Im not Even a husk of a person anymore, could hardly call me living in any sense it feels. I've lost the words and thoughts to Even describe what is going through my mind anymore. I just need Things to be over.
Started back on my old coping mechanisms to get through the days but it doesn't cut it like it did before. No amount help. There really isn't any other way out of being a mistake. No matter what could happen in the future it doesn't erase what I was given, I could go through with surgeries and everything Else that is meant to help. But that doesn't change the fact I am unfixable and Will have to live with in this meat suit I was given. I cant Even remember most my life or recent times, as Long as I can remember I've always wanted to die. Its never once changed. It keeps on getting worse Even when I think it cant.
Its so tiring
Kind of just feels more and more agonising to wait until then. My situation only gets worse by the day. Im not Even a husk of a person anymore, could hardly call me living in any sense it feels. I've lost the words and thoughts to Even describe what is going through my mind anymore. I just need Things to be over.
Started back on my old coping mechanisms to get through the days but it doesn't cut it like it did before. No amount help. There really isn't any other way out of being a mistake. No matter what could happen in the future it doesn't erase what I was given, I could go through with surgeries and everything Else that is meant to help. But that doesn't change the fact I am unfixable and Will have to live with in this meat suit I was given. I cant Even remember most my life or recent times, as Long as I can remember I've always wanted to die. Its never once changed. It keeps on getting worse Even when I think it cant.
Its so tiring
