Venting Slowly losing my mind

[Depression]

She broke up with me. 10 years. 3 kids later. I was young and stupid. I didn't know what I wanted. I hurt her so much. We were separated but still living together for a few years for the kids. A few months ago I had this realization of what am I doing with my life? I have everything everything i could ever want at home. I started to better myself. Help her with her career, spend time with my kids. Work my ass off 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. I wanted to be a better person for her. She was my best friend and the person who stood by my side no matter what. But one day in the midst of an argument she told me we weren't together anymore. She wanted nothing to do with me. She told me all these things that have honestly haunted me. That have hurt me to my core. She broke me down. Now I feel lost. All my motivation is gone. She was my guiding light and now I'm alone in the dark. Lost.

I've fallen behind at work. Started drinking heavily. And now contemplating suicide just can't decide on the method. On some level I probably deserve all this pain and more cause of how I treated her. Karma and what not. I feel myself slowing losing myself. I feel terrible knowing I'm contemplating this. I'm scared for my kids. But every time I see them, all I see is her. They are her literal spitting image. It's probably crazy to some people, killing yourself over a breakup. But this pain is unbearable to me. I can't sleep. I've been running off 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I haven't eaten a proper meal close to two weeks. Just surviving off the bare minimum. Water and an occasional snack cause that's all I can fit in my stomach.

I'm still new here. Jumping around threads reading what I can. But I guess on some level I'm scared which is why I can't decide. Tried going to a therapist and that was a terrible idea. The moment suicide came up, I could tell she was hoping to hear something she could use as justification to lock me away. Thank god I found this website. Not sure what I'm expecting to come from this post. I just know that I can at least vent to someone without fear of being shamed or locked away.

Maybe someone here can help me find a suitable method. Really hoping to find N but seems like this is impossible at the moment. Help please.

 

[Kerock]

Im sorry your going through that, what exactly did you do to your wife to feel like you deserve this on some level if I may ask?

 

[Depression]

Im sorry your going through that, what exactly did you do to your wife to feel like you deserve this on some level if I may ask?

Honestly. I cheated on her. I lied to her. I really hurt and ruined a good woman. We separated for a bit. But at the beginning of the year I remembered having this moment watching the fireworks with all the kids and it was such a good memory. That's when I realized what am I doing. I realized I needed to change. To grow up. But it's one of those too little too late things now. I hate myself for everything I put her through. I just feel this massive guilt. Which is why I even started contemplating any of this.

 

[Kerock]

Honestly. I cheated on her. I lied to her. I really hurt and ruined a good woman. We separated for a bit. But at the beginning of the year I remembered having this moment watching the fireworks with all the kids and it was such a good memory. That's when I realized what am I doing. I realized I needed to change. To grow up. But it's one of those too little too late things now. I hate myself for everything I put her through. I just feel this massive guilt. Which is why I even started contemplating any of this.

Yeah I can see why your wife would be upset and eventually broke up if you cheated on her. We're you in a bad spot/felt really isolated when you cheated on her?

 

[Depression]

Yeah I can see why your wife would be upset and eventually broke up if you cheated on her. We're you in a bad spot/felt really isolated when you cheated on her?

Yes. A definite communication issue. It was an issue where she distanced herself cause she thought I was cheating. I wasn't. I thought she was cause she distanced herself and plus I was having issues with one of her guy friends so I ended up cheating on her. Like I said, I probably deserve all of this. But these last few months I was really trying. I just wanted my family back. You never know what you have till it's gone. It's been close to 3 weeks and I can't bring myself to move on.

 

[Kerock]

Yes. A definite communication issue. It was an issue where she distanced herself cause she thought I was cheating. I wasn't. I thought she was cause she distanced herself and plus I was having issues with one of her guy friends so I ended up cheating on her. Like I said, I probably deserve all of this. But these last few months I was really trying. I just wanted my family back. You never know what you have till it's gone. It's been close to 3 weeks and I can't bring myself to move on.

Yeah it sounds like you were hella hedonistic or had malice against your wife. Are you able to at least see your kids?

 

[Depression]

Yeah it sounds like you were hella hedonistic or had malice against your wife. Are you able to at least see your kids?

I never actually slept with this woman. It was more emotional than physical. But I wasn't hedonistic. Maybe had malice but that was so long ago.

 

[Kerock]

I never actually slept with this woman. It was more emotional than physical. But I wasn't hedonistic. Maybe had malice but that was so long ago.

You still talk to the woman?

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like such a horrible and painful situation to be trapped in, I hope that you find the freedom that you search for as it's true that there is too much suffering in existing. Sadly Nembutal isn't an option at all from what I'm aware, I would also wish for some N as it sounds so peaceful and ideal but instead there are only scams. But to me therapy certainly sounds like a scam to profit from people's suffering, being locked in a psych ward because of that certainly sounds like something so awful.

 

[Pengu]

She broke up with me. 10 years. 3 kids later. I was young and stupid. I didn't know what I wanted. I hurt her so much. We were separated but still living together for a few years for the kids. A few months ago I had this realization of what am I doing with my life? I have everything everything i could ever want at home. I started to better myself. Help her with her career, spend time with my kids. Work my ass off 12-14 hours a day, 6 days a week. I wanted to be a better person for her. She was my best friend and the person who stood by my side no matter what. But one day in the midst of an argument she told me we weren't together anymore. She wanted nothing to do with me. She told me all these things that have honestly haunted me. That have hurt me to my core. She broke me down. Now I feel lost. All my motivation is gone. She was my guiding light and now I'm alone in the dark. Lost.

I've fallen behind at work. Started drinking heavily. And now contemplating suicide just can't decide on the method. On some level I probably deserve all this pain and more cause of how I treated her. Karma and what not. I feel myself slowing losing myself. I feel terrible knowing I'm contemplating this. I'm scared for my kids. But every time I see them, all I see is her. They are her literal spitting image. It's probably crazy to some people, killing yourself over a breakup. But this pain is unbearable to me. I can't sleep. I've been running off 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I haven't eaten a proper meal close to two weeks. Just surviving off the bare minimum. Water and an occasional snack cause that's all I can fit in my stomach.

I'm still new here. Jumping around threads reading what I can. But I guess on some level I'm scared which is why I can't decide. Tried going to a therapist and that was a terrible idea. The moment suicide came up, I could tell she was hoping to hear something she could use as justification to lock me away. Thank god I found this website. Not sure what I'm expecting to come from this post. I just know that I can at least vent to someone without fear of being shamed or locked away.

Maybe someone here can help me find a suitable method. Really hoping to find N but seems like this is impossible at the moment. Help please.

hmmmm.... what u did was absolutely wrong. ur in so much pain i think u can finally understand how much it must have hurt her. I don't know if she would give u another chance or not but if u are really willing to do anything to get her back then i would recommend u to give her some time. She is probably very hurt right now so the best thing to do right now is to give her space so that she can acknowledge her emotions. If u want to see her again then u need to focus on yourself. STOP DRINKING, it will cause more destruction than relief in the long run. Spend time with your kids, do u know why your wife fell in love with u, be that guy again, the guy she fell in love with. don't be desperate and don't argue with her even a small trigger will make her remember all the bad memories. if u put in efforts and show that ur sincere she will forgive u and if she still doesn't wanna be with u then at least u would have some form of a closure and u wont regret that u didn't try maybe it will help u move on too. Anyways i wish u best of luck!!!!! DON'T GIVE UP YET THERE IS STILL HOPE U GUYS AREN'T DIVORCED

 

[Depression]

You still talk to the woman?

I do not.

That sounds like such a horrible and painful situation to be trapped in, I hope that you find the freedom that you search for as it's true that there is too much suffering in existing. Sadly Nembutal isn't an option at all from what I'm aware, I would also wish for some N as it sounds so peaceful and ideal but instead there are only scams. But to me therapy certainly sounds like a scam to profit from people's suffering, being locked in a psych ward because of that certainly sounds like something so awful.

I've read about other methods that work as good but it requires getting drugs I wouldn't even know how to look for. Where I live I can easily acquire a shotgun but the idea of shooting myself terrifies me. And even if I could do it idk if I wanna put my kids through that..

hmmmm.... what u did was absolutely wrong. ur in so much pain i think u can finally understand how much it must have hurt her. I don't know if she would give u another chance or not but if u are really willing to do anything to get her back then i would recommend u to give her some time. She is probably very hurt right now so the best thing to do right now is to give her space so that she can acknowledge her emotions. If u want to see her again then u need to focus on yourself. STOP DRINKING, it will cause more destruction than relief in the long run. Spend time with your kids, do u know why your wife fell in love with u, be that guy again, the guy she fell in love with. don't be desperate and don't argue with her even a small trigger will make her remember all the bad memories. if u put in efforts and show that ur sincere she will forgive u and if she still doesn't wanna be with u then at least u would have some form of a closure and u wont regret that u didn't try maybe it will help u move on too. Anyways i wish u best of luck!!!!! DON'T GIVE UP YET THERE IS STILL HOPE U GUYS AREN'T DIVORCED

I know what I did was terrible. I HATE myself for it with such a goddamn passion. And all of this would probably be easier but I know for a fact she's talking to someone else already. I saw the messages. She claims he's just a friend. But those messages didn't look like messages between friends. All I can do is drink to help me fall asleep. I don't wanna have to tell my kids when they are older that I'm a piece of shit. I just wanna check out.

 

[Pengu]

I do not.

I've read about other methods that work as good but it requires getting drugs I wouldn't even know how to look for. Where I live I can easily acquire a shotgun but the idea of shooting myself terrifies me. And even if I could do it idk if I wanna put my kids through that..

I know what I did was terrible. I HATE myself for it with such a goddamn passion. And all of this would probably be easier but I know for a fact she's talking to someone else already. I saw the messages. She claims he's just a friend. But those messages didn't look like messages between friends. All I can do is drink to help me fall asleep. I don't wanna have to tell my kids when they are older that I'm a piece of shit. I just wanna check out.

I STILL THINK U GOT THIS. THAT GUY IS A PEANUT SHE DONT LOVE HIM TRUST ME. Again don't drink and don't act out of grief, it's gonna make her dislike u more.
don't shoot yourself it's really messy. I have seen it and it's gore and u would have a CLOSED CASKET funeral!

 

[Depression]

I STILL THINK U GOT THIS. THAT GUY IS A PEANUT SHE DONT LOVE HIM TRUST ME. Again don't drink and don't act out of grief, it's gonna make her dislike u more.
don't shoot yourself it's really messy. I have seen it and it's gore and u would have a CLOSED CASKET funeral!

Your words honestly helped. I'm going to try.

 

[Pengu]

Your words honestly helped. I'm going to try.

U GOT THIS UNCLE! I STAN U!!!!