Discussion Slow suicides while I wait to do the real thing

[willitpass]

I intentionally take shit care of myself. I haven't worn sunscreen in years, I have an eating disorder, I never wear PPE when handling chemicals (though I'm careful to keep others out of harms way when doing it), I don't treat my acid reflux, and I otherwise do things that I know will fuck my body up one day. I don't plan on living long enough for them to do that, but if for some reason I still am here, I'm setting myself up for cancer or some other type of health issue that I pray will kill me if I don't beat it to it.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Up until a couple of months ago, I used to workout, eat healthy, and take reasonably good care of myself, despite suffering from depression and Anhedonia.
But now, I no longer work out, I eat junk food, and have not had a shower or a shave for the past 3 weeks. I haven't even changed my clothes.
I smell like an asshole. But I don't give a fuck anymore.
Fly's could lay maggot eggs on me and I really wouldn't care.
I'm just letting go of everything now, even my self-respect.
And I find it liberating to do so. It's kind of fun in a weird kind of way.

I drove to the supermarket this morning, then walked round the store wearing just my socks, vest and underpants.
I got some funny looks but I just didn't care anymore what people think.
I'm going to start drinking again soon. I really miss getting fucked-up on booze.
I know this is it now: I'm going downhill for good now, and there's no going back.
I have absolutely no interest in getting better.
I just want to die now.
CTB in the near future is inevitable.

 

[sorrowful]

i understand this. i don't take care of myself because i know i will ctb soon. i am a complete wreck, how i am drives everyone away from me. druggie, barely eat or drink, stopped taking care of my health, haven't brushed my hair in ages (tangled mess, tried facing it a few days ago but i gave up) don't go outside for months at a time and i am very isolated. i have absolutely nothing, but that is okay. less people close to me, the less people that will be hurt by my death. there is nothing at this point that i believe will change things, it is fate.

 

[suicidalcatlady]

I feel you :(

 

[The anhedonic one]

i understand this. i don't take care of myself because i know i will ctb soon. i am a complete wreck, how i am drives everyone away from me. druggie, barely eat or drink, stopped taking care of my health, haven't brushed my hair in ages (tangled mess, tried facing it a few days ago but i gave up) don't go outside for months at a time and i am very isolated. i have absolutely nothing, but that is okay. less people close to me, the less people that will be hurt by my death. there is nothing at this point that i believe will change things, it is fate.

Sounds very much like we have both reached the very bottom of the pit of despair.
I'm isolated too: completely alone in this world.
So sorry you are going through this too.

 

[willitpass]

Sounds very much like we have both reached the very bottom of the pit of despair.
I'm isolated too: completely alone in this world.
So sorry you are going through this too.

Funnily enough my self deprecating behaviors make me look put together from the outside. I'll go on hikes or walks or runs for over an hour and spend all my time outside in what looks like a nice attempt to be fit and get tan from the summer sun, but inside I'm doing it to burn as many calories as I possibly can while also giving myself as much unprotected sun exposure as I can to increase my risk of skin cancer one day. I go to a local coffee shop every day which looks like a nice little hobby sort of thing but it's because coffee decreases my appetite so I eat less. I shower often and dress decently but I am crawling in my skin and far too conscious about my appearance and whether random strangers are thinking about how I look, which is know is unbelievably irrational yet it drives me to continue to eat less and work out more. I show up and work hard at my job every day yet secretly hope that one day one of the hazards at my job will kill me. I also self harm but try and keep it as inconspicuous as possible so that when people ask I tell them my cat scratched me or I got cut my a branch on a hike. Unless I let someone in they would never know that my habits are me secretly trying to shorten my life span at any chance I can get

 

[The anhedonic one]

Funnily enough my self deprecating behaviors make me look put together from the outside. I'll go on hikes or walks or runs for over an hour and spend all my time outside in what looks like a nice attempt to be fit and get tan from the summer sun, but inside I'm doing it to burn as many calories as I possibly can while also giving myself as much unprotected sun exposure as I can to increase my risk of skin cancer one day. I go to a local coffee shop every day which looks like a nice little hobby sort of thing but it's because coffee decreases my appetite so I eat less. I shower often and dress decently but I am crawling in my skin and far too conscious about my appearance and whether random strangers are thinking about how I look, which is know is unbelievably irrational yet it drives me to continue to eat less and work out more. I show up and work hard at my job every day yet secretly hope that one day one of the hazards at my job will kill me. I also self harm but try and keep it as inconspicuous as possible so that when people ask I tell them my cat scratched me or I got cut my a branch on a hike. Unless I let someone in they would never know that my habits are me secretly trying to shorten my life span at any chance I can get

Yes, when I was working out, I would only be eating one meal per day. I was virtually zero body fat.
Now I'm putting weight back on.
I'm eating junk food now, so will probably end up the size of an elephant.
I use to self harm when the love of my life ran away with the guy from nextdoor.
It's awful that this shitshow life drives us to do these things.
It's interesting how most people don't realise that it's not just females who self-harm, and do calorie restrictions etc.

 

[willitpass]

Yes, when I was working out, I would only be eating one meal per day. I was virtually zero body fat.
Now I'm putting weight back on.
I'm eating junk food now, so will probably end up the size of an elephant.
I use to self harm when the love of my life ran away with the guy from nextdoor.
It's awful that this shitshow life drives us to do these things.
It's interesting how most people don't realise that it's not just females who self-harm, and do calorie restrictions etc.

It makes me happy to see that people are getting more willing to talk about mental health issues in men, though there is still a very very long way to go. I'm the prime demographic for these behaviors, a 21 year old female, but a smile or a wave away is all I need to fool people. I'm sorry you've had to resort to these things, I hope life gives you at least a little peace soon. I always try to check in on the men in my life because I know several personally who were willing to open up to me that they were going through a lot of shit, including one with an eating disorder

 

[The anhedonic one]

It makes me happy to see that people are getting more willing to talk about mental health issues in men, though there is still a very very long way to go. I'm the prime demographic for these behaviors, a 21 year old female, but a smile or a wave away is all I need to fool people. I'm sorry you've had to resort to these things, I hope life gives you at least a little peace soon. I always try to check in on the men in my life because I know several personally who were willing to open up to me that they were going through a lot of shit, including one with an eating disorder

Thank you. That's really nice of you. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. It always warms my heart to know that there are still some decent people left in this shitshow world.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I couldn't help but chuckle when reading that, all the best to you and whichever decision you will make.

 

[willitpass]

Thank you. That's really nice of you. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. It always warms my heart to know that there are still some decent people left in this shitshow world.

Thank you. I try my best though I don't know how good I am at it. My life is shit but I want to do everything I can to make other peoples less shitty.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Thank you. I try my best though I don't know how good I am at it. My life is shit but I want to do everything I can to make other peoples less shitty.

Empathetic and empathic people always make good counselors.

 

[willitpass]

Empathetic people always make good counselors.

I'm not a therapist but I do work in healthcare, so in a similar realm. I do find it funny how many healthcare workers and therapist are so incredibly fucked up themselves

 

[girlsboysthems]

same here, except I have some GI issues that cause me pain, and i refuse to go to the doctor, hopefully the disease will get bad enough for me to not be able to be saved.

 

[willitpass]

same here, except I have some GI issues that cause me pain, and i refuse to go to the doctor, hopefully the disease will get bad enough for me to not be able to be saved.

I get that. I've been having leg pain as of about a month ago that causes my entire left and sometimes right leg to ache horribly for hours at a time. I hope it's something serious that will progress until it kills me one day, thought it's probably nothing unfortunately.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm not a therapist but I do work in healthcare, so in a similar realm. I do find it funny how many healthcare workers and therapist are so incredibly fucked up themselves

Love it !

 

[sorrowful]

Sounds very much like we have both reached the very bottom of the pit of despair.
I'm isolated too: completely alone in this world.
So sorry you are going through this too.

Unfortunately so. Sending best wishes to you, stranger. I hope one day you can find the peace you're looking for.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Unfortunately so. Sending best wishes to you, stranger. I hope one day you can find the peace you're looking for.

Thank you.
And I hope you find that peace too.

 

[skin6skin]

this is extremely relatable; i have eating issues and don't do anything to address them; i put myself through unthinkable pain and sit in a shower with the lights turned off for hours a day, but i don't care. i pull away from friends and relatives and refuse to accept any kind of help. i sleep for up to 16 hours at a time to get away from life.. it is the closest thing to suicide i can get to at the moment, so that's why i do it.

 

[Kerock]

Kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one who just lazily given up even though I used to be active and had ambitions

 

[The anhedonic one]

this is extremely relatable; i have eating issues and don't do anything to address them; i put myself through unthinkable pain and sit in a shower with the lights turned off for hours a day, but i don't care. i pull away from friends and relatives and refuse to accept any kind of help. i sleep for up to 16 hours at a time to get away from life.. it is the closest thing to suicide i can get to at the moment, so that's why i do it.

I'm in the absolute pit of despair too. It's truly dreadful.
But yet, I find great comfort in just shutting down from life.
It's like a form of death in itself.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[SetMeFree11]

New here.
I work in a lab and while working with carcinogenic chemicals never wear gloves and even intentionally put them on my hands. I stopped exercising and eat junk food.
Hope for a terminal cancer soon...

 

[willitpass]

New here.
I work in a lab and while working with carcinogenic chemicals never wear gloves and even intentionally put them on my hands. I stopped exercising and eat junk food.
Hope for a terminal cancer soon...

I work in healthcare where we have to constantly sanitize things with cleaners that are known carcinogens if you get them directly on you. I say screw all to gloves. Thought I'm sure it takes years for them to do any true damage and I pray to god I'm not alive for that. My eating habits and years of tons of sun exposure would probably catch up to me long before my chemical exposure.

 

[SetMeFree11]

I work in healthcare where we have to constantly sanitize things with cleaners that are known carcinogens if you get them directly on you. I say screw all to gloves. Thought I'm sure it takes years for them to do any true damage and I pray to god I'm not alive for that. My eating habits and years of tons of sun exposure would probably catch up to me long before my chemical exposure.

Carcinogenic chemicals do take years to work, so it's a long wait. As for sun exposure, unless it's melanoma, i don't think it will kill you. I had access to cyanide in my previous job. Should have taken some with me...

 

[blacktulip44]

honestly, ive never seen someone talk about this and its kind of nice to know im not alone in this. i started smoking at 12, when i first had suicidal thoughts, with exactly this in mind. started taking harder drugs, drinking excessively, and still to this day i do it hoping someday i just wont wake up anymore.

 

[willitpass]

Carcinogenic chemicals do take years to work, so it's a long wait. As for sun exposure, unless it's melanoma, i don't think it will kill you. I had access to cyanide in my previous job. Should have taken some with me...

Yeah trust me I'm not relying on these things, they are more of an after thought. I honestly forget where I placed them but I stole lead shots from a chemistry lab back when I was in school and considered swallowing them to see what would happen just because I was so desperate. I should probably find them so I don't misplace them and accidentally hurt someone else. And if I do ever find skin cancer looking things on me I plan to ignore them in hopes that they metastasize.

 

[WaffleWoman]

I haven't brushed my teeth in months i only shower when absolutely necessary i dont clean my room other peoples opinions dont affect me anymore