Life isn't precious. Not in real life. It isn't ALWAYS beautiful nor worth living nor is it my responsibility to endure it when it has already made me miserable.
I was born into a pretty unstable arrangement. Both parents had clashing personalities, a lot of temper and one of my parents was an alcoholic on top of that.
I remember them arguing ALWAYS about something. Most times those arguments turned ferocious. And violent. I truly never felt love in that household. And that's were me seeking comfort in what was not real started. The cartoons i'd watch would be my companions, given even children at school wanted nothing to do with me. I ALWAYS wondered just— what was WRONG with me? Why can't I make friends? Why doesn't anyone like me? Did I do something wrong?
Turns out, what I did wrong? Was exist. It was to be autistic and a girl and EXIST.
The teachers were always awful, I just remember a FEW cases in which teachers were not completely cruel to me as the kid that didn't fit in. Punishing me for interpreting what I said wrong, restricting my drawing, the only thing that made me happy, to attempt to get me to focus on school (despite the fact that they still insulted me, jeered me, seemingly thought I was an idiot— as did the other kids.) One teacher slapped me and demanded to know why I was a freak that couldn't just study like every other children, in another school my teachers made me dump all my MLP ponies that I had in a separate bag in front of the entire school and then laughed at me alongside the students— it was mental and emotional abuse constantly to the point I have a VERY hard time trusting authority figures... Specially teachers. And it lead to me completely giving up on my studies, period.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 9 by a worker in my own house, he walked away because he's related to the maids whom hold far more power than I ever did. And I was also sexually assaulted by one of my elder cousins when I was like... 6 or 7? I mean, in both cases, making a kid orgasm MUST be sexual assault right? Or rape? One of the two? I don't know anymore.
My father was always disappointed in me. For my entire life. He says he wasn't but I know better— my two brothers didn't live to his expectations either. The only one whom turned out FINE was the middle one between the three of us, because our older brother is a psychopath and I am a disgrace that's going to be gone from this world in less than 2 years. How do I know my dad is ashamed of me? Well, he went on a tirade of insulting me the first time I failed senior year, telling me that I was an embarrasment that he should've known I wouldn't be able to do it and should've given up on me when the experts and the teachers said so, and it was so so bad I actually was left heavily suicidal for more than a week to the point I was HEAVILY considering CBT and would've gone through with it if my cousin hadn't dragged me to the beach for her daughter's birthday.
He constantly puts "studies" above my own happiness and mental health and wellbeing, ever since I was a little kid. And whenever issues of mental health arose he brushed them aside with the callousness of a stupid bastard whom believes he knows best but in reality, is just a hypocritical cruel asshole whom only wants to look good through his children.
When I tried to kill myself at 15, his response was asking me if I was trying to make him look bad, instead of genuinely caring about his daughter's wellbeing.
Just recently, he denied me necessary mental health treatment because "having a job and getting busy will make you realize we're all a little bit depressed sometimes, and it'll change your mind about these silly depression claims you and your psychologist constantly threw at me".
Because, you know... I don't have a right to be depressed.
It's not like I was abused constantly in school by my peers and my teachers and you passively accepted it because it meant my grades would improve.
It's not like I was assaulted under your roof once and you did fucking nothing.
it's not like YOU have worn down my self worth and self steem to the point that I reckon. Yeah, I am genuinely too stupid for school. Yeah, I'll never amount to anything in life.
Let's not even start on the abuse I've suffered in my own house for years... One of the maids, we'll call her C, has treated me like shit for years. Up to claiming I was lying about my rape for attention. At 9 years old. Because 9 year olds lie about that sort of thing, no?
All of you can go to hell. All of you can go fuck yourselves. You ALL failed me, and best of all? I know YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU DID.
...Overall, my life has been hell on Earth. I've skipped through SEVERAL parts because it'd be too much and I'd be here forever.
I've come to realize living is just too painful to endure, so why the fuck then, am I not allowed to CBT?
The truest kind of selfishness is forcing people that are suffering to live just because of what YOU want. What about what I want?
Oh wait, that's right. What I want has never mattered... Well....
That'll change soon. Less than 2 years soon. Hopefully mom forgives me. and my little brothers from her do too...
They're... The ONLY ones I care to receive forgiveness from, when it comes to my family.
I hope my online friends forgive me too, they've mattered to me far more than my dad ever did for the last decade. They're my true family...
Yet, even they're not enough to keep me here. NOTHING is enough.
I shall die before my 25th birthday. No distractions. Nothing and no-one will keep me from It.
This is my decision on the course of my life. And there's no way to change it.
I was born into a pretty unstable arrangement. Both parents had clashing personalities, a lot of temper and one of my parents was an alcoholic on top of that.
I remember them arguing ALWAYS about something. Most times those arguments turned ferocious. And violent. I truly never felt love in that household. And that's were me seeking comfort in what was not real started. The cartoons i'd watch would be my companions, given even children at school wanted nothing to do with me. I ALWAYS wondered just— what was WRONG with me? Why can't I make friends? Why doesn't anyone like me? Did I do something wrong?
Turns out, what I did wrong? Was exist. It was to be autistic and a girl and EXIST.
The teachers were always awful, I just remember a FEW cases in which teachers were not completely cruel to me as the kid that didn't fit in. Punishing me for interpreting what I said wrong, restricting my drawing, the only thing that made me happy, to attempt to get me to focus on school (despite the fact that they still insulted me, jeered me, seemingly thought I was an idiot— as did the other kids.) One teacher slapped me and demanded to know why I was a freak that couldn't just study like every other children, in another school my teachers made me dump all my MLP ponies that I had in a separate bag in front of the entire school and then laughed at me alongside the students— it was mental and emotional abuse constantly to the point I have a VERY hard time trusting authority figures... Specially teachers. And it lead to me completely giving up on my studies, period.
I was sexually assaulted when I was 9 by a worker in my own house, he walked away because he's related to the maids whom hold far more power than I ever did. And I was also sexually assaulted by one of my elder cousins when I was like... 6 or 7? I mean, in both cases, making a kid orgasm MUST be sexual assault right? Or rape? One of the two? I don't know anymore.
My father was always disappointed in me. For my entire life. He says he wasn't but I know better— my two brothers didn't live to his expectations either. The only one whom turned out FINE was the middle one between the three of us, because our older brother is a psychopath and I am a disgrace that's going to be gone from this world in less than 2 years. How do I know my dad is ashamed of me? Well, he went on a tirade of insulting me the first time I failed senior year, telling me that I was an embarrasment that he should've known I wouldn't be able to do it and should've given up on me when the experts and the teachers said so, and it was so so bad I actually was left heavily suicidal for more than a week to the point I was HEAVILY considering CBT and would've gone through with it if my cousin hadn't dragged me to the beach for her daughter's birthday.
He constantly puts "studies" above my own happiness and mental health and wellbeing, ever since I was a little kid. And whenever issues of mental health arose he brushed them aside with the callousness of a stupid bastard whom believes he knows best but in reality, is just a hypocritical cruel asshole whom only wants to look good through his children.
When I tried to kill myself at 15, his response was asking me if I was trying to make him look bad, instead of genuinely caring about his daughter's wellbeing.
Just recently, he denied me necessary mental health treatment because "having a job and getting busy will make you realize we're all a little bit depressed sometimes, and it'll change your mind about these silly depression claims you and your psychologist constantly threw at me".
Because, you know... I don't have a right to be depressed.
It's not like I was abused constantly in school by my peers and my teachers and you passively accepted it because it meant my grades would improve.
It's not like I was assaulted under your roof once and you did fucking nothing.
it's not like YOU have worn down my self worth and self steem to the point that I reckon. Yeah, I am genuinely too stupid for school. Yeah, I'll never amount to anything in life.
Let's not even start on the abuse I've suffered in my own house for years... One of the maids, we'll call her C, has treated me like shit for years. Up to claiming I was lying about my rape for attention. At 9 years old. Because 9 year olds lie about that sort of thing, no?
All of you can go to hell. All of you can go fuck yourselves. You ALL failed me, and best of all? I know YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT THAT YOU DID.
...Overall, my life has been hell on Earth. I've skipped through SEVERAL parts because it'd be too much and I'd be here forever.
I've come to realize living is just too painful to endure, so why the fuck then, am I not allowed to CBT?
The truest kind of selfishness is forcing people that are suffering to live just because of what YOU want. What about what I want?
Oh wait, that's right. What I want has never mattered... Well....
That'll change soon. Less than 2 years soon. Hopefully mom forgives me. and my little brothers from her do too...
They're... The ONLY ones I care to receive forgiveness from, when it comes to my family.
I hope my online friends forgive me too, they've mattered to me far more than my dad ever did for the last decade. They're my true family...
Yet, even they're not enough to keep me here. NOTHING is enough.
I shall die before my 25th birthday. No distractions. Nothing and no-one will keep me from It.
This is my decision on the course of my life. And there's no way to change it.
