INTJme
Epeolatrist
- Mar 22, 2024
- 336
I just had the craziest dream.
Ever since I got my hands on my choice of OD drug, it's been smooth sailing and I've been excited about ctb-ing on my chosen date except for when I finally went to sleep at 5AM tonight.
Soon after I fell asleep, I had the urge to wake up but my body couldn't. I quickly realised I'm in sleep paralysis because I've had this happen to me plenty of times before. So I didn't really panic as I was used to such experiences but it was still rather discomforting.
Out of nowhere, my brain tried to test my resolve, asking me, "What if after I OD, this is the state I find myself in for eternity?" A comatose-like state where my mind is fully awake but my body can't move? Not gonna lie, it sounded nothing short of living a nightmare. Just that thought made me experience some extreme emotions while still under sleep paralysis. But, like I said, I've experienced sleep paralysis many a times before, so I kinda knew how to get out of the nightmare I was having at the moment.
Instead of fighting my brain or shouting internally (things I've tried before and my usual response), I started fantasising. I chose to become the protagonist of a superhero-ish film where my power was my poison in possession and I use it to save an entire town from a supervillain serpent that is set out to kill babies and children. Spoiler Alert: I inject the poison into the serpent, making him go to sleep forever and save the day. This fantasy led to by far the most lucid-as-fuck dream I've ever had. And my body woke up right after killing the villain.
I just got 2.5 hours of sleep and I decided to not fall back asleep and write about this on SaSu instead! I suspect this was my SI telling me how it's a possibility that with my chosen method (don't ask me what if you don't know already), I may end up in a sleep paralysis state forever. But I'm also a little proud of myself with how instead of panicking, I turned things around and made it an awesome experience instead. Thoughts on whether it's SI or just routine sleep paralysis?
Ever since I got my hands on my choice of OD drug, it's been smooth sailing and I've been excited about ctb-ing on my chosen date except for when I finally went to sleep at 5AM tonight.
Soon after I fell asleep, I had the urge to wake up but my body couldn't. I quickly realised I'm in sleep paralysis because I've had this happen to me plenty of times before. So I didn't really panic as I was used to such experiences but it was still rather discomforting.
Out of nowhere, my brain tried to test my resolve, asking me, "What if after I OD, this is the state I find myself in for eternity?" A comatose-like state where my mind is fully awake but my body can't move? Not gonna lie, it sounded nothing short of living a nightmare. Just that thought made me experience some extreme emotions while still under sleep paralysis. But, like I said, I've experienced sleep paralysis many a times before, so I kinda knew how to get out of the nightmare I was having at the moment.
Instead of fighting my brain or shouting internally (things I've tried before and my usual response), I started fantasising. I chose to become the protagonist of a superhero-ish film where my power was my poison in possession and I use it to save an entire town from a supervillain serpent that is set out to kill babies and children. Spoiler Alert: I inject the poison into the serpent, making him go to sleep forever and save the day. This fantasy led to by far the most lucid-as-fuck dream I've ever had. And my body woke up right after killing the villain.
I just got 2.5 hours of sleep and I decided to not fall back asleep and write about this on SaSu instead! I suspect this was my SI telling me how it's a possibility that with my chosen method (don't ask me what if you don't know already), I may end up in a sleep paralysis state forever. But I'm also a little proud of myself with how instead of panicking, I turned things around and made it an awesome experience instead. Thoughts on whether it's SI or just routine sleep paralysis?
