Situation turned grim lately :(

[Final Escape]

My life changed for the worse after moving out of my exploitative landlord situation. I guess I might have to end it. I was doing so much better after hormone replacement but then this poorly planned move was a lot bigger deal than I anticipated. I'm suddenly very vulnerable to becoming homelessness. I think I hit that situation that broke the camels back where there is no viable options. I'm not even sad just scared that I'll survive. I knew it would be ending for me soon especially after this heartbreak, losing my place to live and work from, isolated from people bc borderline and complex ptsd. I don't know exactly when I'll go but I'm just thinking it over and preparing making sure I do the antiemetics right.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Sending you love, please take care of yourself. Yesterday I attempted to end my life........it didn't work out. I am ok but in shock more now than ever and feel very wobbly indeed on many levels. You say you are not even sad, just scared you'll survive, this is how I was yesterday when made my mind up to go to peace. However I am still here and am glad to be...........may sound odd, but wasn't to be and wasn't my way to go or time to leave. Damn I dont wish to be here yet cant go either, so know somewhat how you feeling. Have you somewhere currently to live?

 

[Final Escape]

I live in an extended stay motel. But it's too expensive at the moment. But also I'm unraveling bc my environment changed everything in the location is unfamiliar. So that adds a layer of difficulty. My routines are gone. The move is triggering it but there's additional stuff besides just moving. I fell into this malaise and loss of hope. Feeling options are not good or virtually nonexistent. I feel old too like im just goin to be that old loner lady pan handling at on-ramps and intersections. That's just not something I can handle. California homelessness here I come bc at least u won't freeze to death there. You'll probably just get gang raped in a tent.

 

[Ghost2211]

Homelessness is a terrible prospect. When I walk the kids to school and see homeless people I honestly don't know how they do it... how they keep going.

are you looking into assistance programs and financial assistance programs?

 

[faust]

Is it possible to buy there any cheap old car or a van? It is not that much of a shelter but more than nothing...
I am so sorry the life is not friendly to you, but are there any chances to get at least something back?

 

[nitrogen]

California homelessness here I come bc at least u won't freeze to death there.

Come to San Francisco. The city is vibrant with diversity. Perfect mild weather. Beautiful beaches. Accommodating streets. It's pretty hilly here though. I might help you push your cart if I run into you in the street.

 

[mattwitt]

 

[TAW122]

Oh my god, that is really bad, I'm very very sorry to hear about your situation! I'm hope you are able to find peace soon and best of luck to whatever you end up doing.

 

[Skyview]

I live in an extended stay motel. But it's too expensive at the moment. But also I'm unraveling bc my environment changed everything in the location is unfamiliar. So that adds a layer of difficulty. My routines are gone. The move is triggering it but there's additional stuff besides just moving. I fell into this malaise and loss of hope. Feeling options are not good or virtually nonexistent. I feel old too like im just goin to be that old loner lady pan handling at on-ramps and intersections. That's just not something I can handle. California homelessness here I come bc at least u won't freeze to death there. You'll probably just get gang raped in a tent.

I live in an extended stay motel. But it's too expensive at the moment. But also I'm unraveling bc my environment changed everything in the location is unfamiliar. So that adds a layer of difficulty. My routines are gone. The move is triggering it but there's additional stuff besides just moving. I fell into this malaise and loss of hope. Feeling options are not good or virtually nonexistent. I feel old too like im just goin to be that old loner lady pan handling at on-ramps and intersections. That's just not something I can handle. California homelessness here I come bc at least u won't freeze to death there. You'll probably just get gang raped in a tent.

Nobody gives a rats ass if you are homeless yet if you wish to ctb they lock you up in a psychiatric ward , evil bastards seem to get a kick out of it .
I truly wish you could turn your life around and not face homelessness , life is tough enough without additional hardships and at what point is the breaking point in which someone decides to ctb to escape the relentless pursuit of survival .
We are creatures of habit and once our comfort blanket is taken away we are left exposed and to quote Pooh bear " what to do ....what to do indeed," each individual has to make their own decision .

 

[Final Escape]

Yea, I've decided I have to go. I'm sure it will be painful but it's my destiny with the conditions I've got. It's not worth it to me to try to keep going. No I'm not doing the homeless thing. I have a car but I'm not gonna live in it. It's pretty cold here right now. I have nothing to live for that's part of the problem. No spouse, kids were all aborted, no friends really, I'm totally alone in life and middle age on top of it.

 

[faust]

Yea, I've decided I have to go. I'm sure it will be painful but it's my destiny living with undiagnosed untreated borderline and complex ptsd. It's not worth it to me to try to keep going. No I'm not doing the homeless thing. I have a car but I'm not gonna live in it. It's pretty cold here right now. I have nothing to live for that's part of the problem. No spouse, kids were all aborted, no friends really, I'm totally alone in life and middle age on top of it.

At least it is your decision to go. BPD and PTSD was not your decision. I respect your choice understanding that I would do the same. It was very interesting to read your posts too. You deserve piece.

 

[Final Escape]

At least it is your decision to go. BPD and PTSD was not your decision. I respect your choice understanding that I would do the same. It was very interesting to read your posts too. You deserve piece.

Thank u
I can't decide wether to drink the N or do the SN but im leaning toward the salt bc N is so bitter. I have just enuf antiemetic I got from friend.

 

[Skyview]

I have nothing to live for either , this is why I shall ctb . I've enjoyed life and now I don't , just very very tired and now it's come down to " stop the world I want to get off. "
I completely get where you're coming from yet I wish it wasn't inevitable, at times it is what it is .
Curious to know why you say it will be painful ?

 

[Final Escape]

I suspect dying is not comfortable, maybe not painful just not pleasant im sure.

 

[faust]

Thank u
I can't decide wether to drink the N or do the SN but im leaning toward the salt bc N is so bitter. I have just enuf antiemetic I got from friend.

I would suggest choosing method which looks better to you. If you don't want to feel the bitterness of N, you don't have to. Same would be with salt if you didn't like it. Two different methods but in the end the result is the same. Wishing you a good luck in your decision

 

[TAW122]

I suspect dying is not comfortable, maybe not painful just not pleasant im sure.

I'm hope you are able to find peace and may the process be as comfortable as possible.

 

[Skyview]

Once you become unconscious I don't think you feel anything .

 

[Final Escape]

Nobody gives a rats ass if you are homeless yet if you wish to ctb they lock you up in a psychiatric ward , evil bastards seem to get a kick out of it .
I truly wish you could turn your life around and not face homelessness , life is tough enough without additional hardships and at what point is the breaking point in which someone decides to ctb to escape the relentless pursuit of survival .
We are creatures of habit and once our comfort blanket is taken away we are left exposed and to quote Pooh bear " what to do ....what to do indeed," each individual has to make their own decision .

Yea im tired of surviving and that's what my whole life's been. Total self reilance which works for a while but then as u get older u need more of a support structure and that's entirely missing for me. I know it's something fixable but not on your own. I tend towards the flight and freeze trauma responses and it leads to homelessness and isolation unless u get help. Freeze response make your world smaller and smaller and close in on u. Flight makes it impossible to keep contracts and consistency in relationships, you're always running or something like that. I began to really experience this flight response more in the last 3 years or so. I'm always relocating and can't stay still but it's not bc I like to move around it's usually bad situations I'm leaving or which are undesirable in some way.What's weird I have no desire to tell anyone this time. I don't care what people think that might be upset. They have no clue how hard my life is and what I'm facing.

 

[Skyview]

Have you tried various agency's for assistance or do you feel they offer nothing but empty platitudes ,by suggesting a homeless shelter which I've heard are not really cool places to stay and a lot of them are temporary which doesn't help your situation.
When the world starts closing in its ripe for anxiety levels to soar , making it difficult to make any decisions , feel as though you are suffocating . None of this is your fault , fight and freeze trauma incapacitated your complete structure and no one was there for you .

 

[Final Escape]

Have you tried various agency's for assistance or do you feel they offer nothing but empty platitudes ,by suggesting a homeless shelter which I've heard are not really cool places to stay and a lot of them are temporary which doesn't help your situation.
When the world starts closing in its ripe for anxiety levels to soar , making it difficult to make any decisions , feel as though you are suffocating . None of this is your fault , fight and freeze trauma incapacitated your complete structure and no one was there for you .

If there was, wouldn't homelessness and destitution would be solved by now? We obviously don't have services that work or I would never reach this point where I'm ending my life in the first place. There's people in this area living in tents in the cold. Pushing carts around. Wouldn't these pple be helped by now if there was real comprehensive help for people in my situation?

 

[Sensei]

You have the means and can end it at any time you wish. I suggest you wait a little and see if you can find a solution before you take the final step.

 

[Skyview]

If there was, wouldn't homelessness and destitution would be solved by now? We obviously don't have services that work or I would never reach this point where I'm ending my life in the first place. There's people in this area living in tents in the cold. Pushing carts around. Wouldn't these pple be helped by now if there was real comprehensive help for people in my situation?

If you look at my replies I stated " nobody gives a rats ass if you are homeless , " meaning there is no support system in place yet if you try to ctb you are thrown in hospital . It's all messed up !
I also stated empty platitudes for the simple reason politicians don't give a fuck about you or anyone else unless you line their pockets . G W Bush stated " it's the hand you were dealt " it doesn't get any clearer than that statement.

 

[Final Escape]

If you look at my replies I stated " nobody gives a rats ass if you are homeless , " meaning there is no support system in place yet if you try to ctb you are thrown in hospital . It's all messed up !
I also stated empty platitudes for the simple reason politicians don't give a fuck about you or anyone else unless you line their pockets . G W Bush stated " it's the hand you were dealt " it doesn't get any clearer than that statement.

Right exactly

You have the means and can end it at any time you wish. I suggest you wait a little and see if you can find a solution before you take the final step.

I tried a little to find a place to stay on Craigslist but then when I tell people what I do it bars me from housing. Unfortunately lying could end up backfiring worse. If they find out somehow. I don't want a roommate but many affordable places are in bad locations. The people willing to rent to me live too far from the city. Of course u have pple hitting u up for the fuck friend live in thing, which oh hell no lol! I was in that predicament a couple times horrific. I'd rather be dead.

 

[randomz]

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It must be very hard. Maybe you can keep searching for some cheap place to stay until you find another job. Moving out and changing your environment can be really hard, but it's also a fresh new start with lots of opportunities that could be good for you. I hope everything sorts itself soon.

 

[Sensei]

I tried a little to find a place to stay on Craigslist but then when I tell people what I do it bars me from housing. Unfortunately lying could end up backfiring worse. If they find out somehow. I don't want a roommate but many affordable places are in bad locations. The people willing to rent to me live too far from the city. Of course u have pple hitting u up for the fuck friend live in thing, which oh hell no lol! I was in that predicament a couple times horrific. I'd rather be dead.

Maybe there's some other solution you haven't thought about? My point is that you can exit tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, any time you like. In short, you don't have to do it NOW.

 

[Final Escape]

Maybe there's some other solution you haven't thought about? My point is that you can exit tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now, any time you like. In short, you don't have to do it NOW.

I feel I have to do it while I still have a roof over my head. I can't wait too long or I'll miss the opportunity to be by myself.

 

[escapefromabuse]

I feel I have to do it while I still have a roof over my head. I can't wait too long or I'll miss the opportunity to be by myself.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Wishing you the best and peace whatever you decide.

 

[Final Escape]

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. It must be very hard. Maybe you can keep searching for some cheap place to stay until you find another job. Moving out and changing your environment can be really hard, but it's also a fresh new start with lots of opportunities that could be good for you. I hope everything sorts itself soon.

I know there's no future for me, I'm unable to bend and I'm too bitter and resentful. At this age everything is a huge compromise and that's what I think drives middle age women to suicide. Especially if u missed out on a family and stuff that gives meaning. I don't get pleasure from working to survive barely. Outside of that I can't have relationships bc of the bpd.

Homelessness is a terrible prospect. When I walk the kids to school and see homeless people I honestly don't know how they do it... how they keep going.

are you looking into assistance programs and financial assistance programs?

I'm sure there are but they are reserved for immigrants or single mothers. If you are mentally ill, older, and childless especially you're probably low priority and there's likely long wait lists for housing around here. I hate gov dependency. It freaks me out I guess. Because the welfare state is not sustainable anyway. More people are now dependent on the benefits than contribute into it. So it's only a matter of time b4 the ponzi scheme ends and that will be a scary situation when the gov checks and assistance stop. Or they decide to kick u out of gov housing bc they can no longer cover the costs.
I appreciate all the support everyone who's commented. I might try to save myself for a little while, but if I'm seriously unable to pull myself out within the next 2 or 3 weeks I think that's a good enough time span. I can't live in this extended stay forever. It's depressing.

 

[randomz]

I know there's no future for me, I'm unable to bend and I'm too bitter and resentful. At this age everything is a huge compromise and that's what I think drives middle age women to suicide. Especially if u missed out on a family and stuff that gives meaning. I don't get pleasure from working to survive barely. Outside of that I can't have relationships bc of the bpd.

I know what you mean. Life can be so daunting at times. But as another commenter said on some other post - CTB is always there, it awaits us patiently so you can always resort to it. In the meantime you can just wait and do some available stuff and see if things might get better.

 

[k75]

Have you looked into HUD/section 8? Federal or whatever has an impossible wait, but there's a local list too, and impending homelessness is supposed to get a priority.