I got alot of comfort from this forum, even though I was off to a rocky start not understanding how people here can be easily offended sometimes, but once I learned that I've pretty much benefited from being comforted and listened to when I share, and I have also found many posts that I can relate to that make me not feel alone. Normal people clearly cannot be trusted with my dark thoughts because they are too arrogant, so at least here I can commune with realists, and not be gaslit. I was just shamed for not having anymore faith in God, by someone that I just met on social media. I actually reached out to him, because he just got scammed out of 8K in a trading scam, and people were gaslighting him, so I decided to reach out & comfort him. After comforting him, I made the mistake of opening up to him, and he ended up arrogantly shaming me for no longer being a Christian. He had the audacity to tell me that Christianity only doesn't work for people that are greedy, and lustful, and want to use God for personal gain. He said God revealed to him that the guy was a scammer. How stupid is he? Of course you're going to know someone is a scammer when they cause you to lose 8k!!! I told him I was traumatized by Christianity, and didn't want to talk about it, and he started bombarding me with scriptures and stuff. It's like everything I do, backfires!
I was very suicidal when I first came to this forum, and I still am because my circumstance hasn't changed, and even though I've come very very close to actually CTBing, I have not. I wish desperately to have the bravery, and a much easier method that would work for me. Everything always seems so complicated with me. I set a date practically a year ago for this summer, but waiting for it while I'm suffering with no relief has been torture. I told myself if things don't get better by then, I will do it by my brutal method which seems like it will work for me.
I'm working on a Youtube business hoping it will give me a decent income which I've never had, but it seems like no matter how much work I will put into it, I will still have to get lucky, and even if I do, it will still be a miracle for me to be able to get out of this nightmare living situation. However, when I'm productive & make progress with it, it feels like it may possibly become an enjoyable distraction.
In the meantime, I've exhausted myself from desperately trying to get comfort from people in real life, no psychiatrist has ever really helped me, I don't have any friends, I tried to find comfort in my oldest sister who at first was helping me get groceries & money from my psycho mother, but my sister over the past year ended up showing me that she still is an extremely narcissistic, selfish, toxic, sadistic, manipulative person, who cared more about getting me to leave her alone, then actually helping me, and when I finally became traumatized by the way she was treating me, I got really upset and did something during her last visit with me, and she has used that as an excuse to totally stop talking to me. I was already not talking to her, but I realize I should not have risked making her upset in case I needed her since my situation is so bad. I should have not let anything that seemed kind from her, make me forget the really evil things she has done to me in the past, I should not have let her character make me so upset. I reached out to a few relatives that had no idea what I had been thru in life, and the evils of my immediate family, they seem to really care, and have tried to motivate me, but they can only offer me comfort over the phone. Only 1 actually sent me some things, showing me a little financial support, the others I would have to ask, I don't think I should have to ask for anything if I clearly need help, but regardless I appreciate their support, but I realize it won't take the pain away, it only gives temporary relief, and I am still left to save myself. I personally think they are already overwhelmed by my suicidal depression & hopelessness, plus I sound like a mental case that should be hospitalized, but I know that's not the solution. These are normal people (unlike my immediate family) they can't handle all this darkness so I don't blame them. I tried making friends with people from this forum, and I have talked to them over the phone. However, after doing so, I realize I'm not as cool as I thought, I really have absolutely no life, and nothing but depression to share, and a weirdo personality, even people on this forum are much more normal than me, I have truly lived an isolated life, with nothing to show for it, especially no social skills, so those desperate attempts to make friends did not work. This is all very humiliating.
Anyway, it seems like whatever I do, just backfires, and makes me worse. I'm really hoping it will at least lead me to finally CTB when I need to. If my business succeeds I hope it succeeds enough to not have me continually stuck in a suicidal limbo where life is absolutely not worth living, but still not giving me enough bravery to CTB, because I'm one of those unlucky ones that can be tortured for decades but still not have the bravery or the right method that will work for me.
What has you journey been like since you have joined this forum?
I was very suicidal when I first came to this forum, and I still am because my circumstance hasn't changed, and even though I've come very very close to actually CTBing, I have not. I wish desperately to have the bravery, and a much easier method that would work for me. Everything always seems so complicated with me. I set a date practically a year ago for this summer, but waiting for it while I'm suffering with no relief has been torture. I told myself if things don't get better by then, I will do it by my brutal method which seems like it will work for me.
I'm working on a Youtube business hoping it will give me a decent income which I've never had, but it seems like no matter how much work I will put into it, I will still have to get lucky, and even if I do, it will still be a miracle for me to be able to get out of this nightmare living situation. However, when I'm productive & make progress with it, it feels like it may possibly become an enjoyable distraction.
In the meantime, I've exhausted myself from desperately trying to get comfort from people in real life, no psychiatrist has ever really helped me, I don't have any friends, I tried to find comfort in my oldest sister who at first was helping me get groceries & money from my psycho mother, but my sister over the past year ended up showing me that she still is an extremely narcissistic, selfish, toxic, sadistic, manipulative person, who cared more about getting me to leave her alone, then actually helping me, and when I finally became traumatized by the way she was treating me, I got really upset and did something during her last visit with me, and she has used that as an excuse to totally stop talking to me. I was already not talking to her, but I realize I should not have risked making her upset in case I needed her since my situation is so bad. I should have not let anything that seemed kind from her, make me forget the really evil things she has done to me in the past, I should not have let her character make me so upset. I reached out to a few relatives that had no idea what I had been thru in life, and the evils of my immediate family, they seem to really care, and have tried to motivate me, but they can only offer me comfort over the phone. Only 1 actually sent me some things, showing me a little financial support, the others I would have to ask, I don't think I should have to ask for anything if I clearly need help, but regardless I appreciate their support, but I realize it won't take the pain away, it only gives temporary relief, and I am still left to save myself. I personally think they are already overwhelmed by my suicidal depression & hopelessness, plus I sound like a mental case that should be hospitalized, but I know that's not the solution. These are normal people (unlike my immediate family) they can't handle all this darkness so I don't blame them. I tried making friends with people from this forum, and I have talked to them over the phone. However, after doing so, I realize I'm not as cool as I thought, I really have absolutely no life, and nothing but depression to share, and a weirdo personality, even people on this forum are much more normal than me, I have truly lived an isolated life, with nothing to show for it, especially no social skills, so those desperate attempts to make friends did not work. This is all very humiliating.
Anyway, it seems like whatever I do, just backfires, and makes me worse. I'm really hoping it will at least lead me to finally CTB when I need to. If my business succeeds I hope it succeeds enough to not have me continually stuck in a suicidal limbo where life is absolutely not worth living, but still not giving me enough bravery to CTB, because I'm one of those unlucky ones that can be tortured for decades but still not have the bravery or the right method that will work for me.
What has you journey been like since you have joined this forum?
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