Signed up to Volunteer with Composting (Green Markets)

[Water-Lily]

It's something I used to do a few years ago pretty consistently for nearly a year. Helping with composting, food demos, giving out samples, answering questions, etc. Since I am unable to hold down a job for the time being I figure some volunteering will help me get out the house and away from the toxicity. Also learning to drive and working on getting into grad school too

A part of me still feels very sad. I dipped into the r/CPTSD subreddit and saw that I am not alone in not being able to hold down a job. It's sad, seeing the life I was robbed off because of a horrific abuser who didn't do their damn job in not having kids. Who ruined me so badly that I am still in a corrupted state and cannot work. It feels so painful and agonizing. And when I see healthier people working, I see a life I could have had but didn't because of abuse. Abuse so hidden on the outside, everyone thought I was ok. I was not

So, I am doing what I can and trying to make the best of it. This is my life and my journey and my mom isn't here to abuse me anymore. I have to make the best of it, the best of the brokenness. I'm trying, and I hope I am trying enough

 

[Julgran]

It's something I used to do a few years ago pretty consistently for nearly a year. Helping with composting, food demos, giving out samples, answering questions, etc. Since I am unable to hold down a job for the time being I figure some volunteering will help me get out the house and away from the toxicity. Also learning to drive and working on getting into grad school too

A part of me still feels very sad. I dipped into the r/CPTSD subreddit and saw that I am not alone in not being able to hold down a job. It's sad, seeing the life I was robbed off because of a horrific abuser who didn't do their damn job in not having kids. Who ruined me so badly that I am still in a corrupted state and cannot work. It feels so painful and agonizing. And when I see healthier people working, I see a life I could have had but didn't because of abuse. Abuse so hidden on the outside, everyone thought I was ok. I was not

So, I am doing what I can and trying to make the best of it. This is my life and my journey and my mom isn't here to abuse me anymore. I have to make the best of it, the best of the brokenness. I'm trying, and I hope I am trying enough

That's very great of you! Since you are probably here because of your own, personal reasons, it may demand more of you than a non-suicidal person to be able to participate in this kind of activity.

Well done! I hope that it keeps you content enough for the time being

 

[Water-Lily]

That's very great of you! Since you are probably here because of your own, personal reasons, it may demand more of you than a non-suicidal person to be able to participate in this kind of activity.

Well done! I hope that it keeps you content enough for the time being

I plan to take it easy. I will have to be gentle with myself, as the nature of my trauma and healing and what I can and can't do.

Further on this, I think maybe its not so much that I can't work, I just have to think about what I am capable of. Something that I know I can manage though I am not sure of it at the moment. I think when I see my therapist that can be a topic of discussion. Even if I don't work right away, being cognizant of what I can do could help me find a way to get a job that I know I can handle.

 

[Julgran]

I plan to take it easy. I will have to be gentle with myself, as the nature of my trauma and healing and what I can and can't do.

Further on this, I think maybe its not so much that I can't work, I just have to think about what I am capable of. Something that I know I can manage though I am not sure of it at the moment. I think when I see my therapist that can be a topic of discussion. Even if I don't work right away, being cognizant of what I can do could help me find a way to get a job that I know I can handle.

That's a good idea. You could also contact some agencies that supply companies with temporary work forces, and see if they have any opening, if you have any such temp agencies close by - such as Manpower.

 

[Water-Lily]

That's a good idea. You could also contact some agencies that supply companies with temporary work forces, and see if they have any opening, if you have any such temp agencies close by - such as Manpower.

I think I'll talk to my therapist first and discuss my mental health, seeing what she could recommend based on what she knows of me. In general I don't want to let my life be boggled down to my trauma/past. I want to move forward in some way even if it takes me a while

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Congratulations on this achievement. I'm glad that you're trying to improve. I think this will help you a lot. I wish you good luck :)

 

[WhiteDespair]

It's something I used to do a few years ago pretty consistently for nearly a year. Helping with composting, food demos, giving out samples, answering questions, etc. Since I am unable to hold down a job for the time being I figure some volunteering will help me get out the house and away from the toxicity. Also learning to drive and working on getting into grad school too

A part of me still feels very sad. I dipped into the r/CPTSD subreddit and saw that I am not alone in not being able to hold down a job. It's sad, seeing the life I was robbed off because of a horrific abuser who didn't do their damn job in not having kids. Who ruined me so badly that I am still in a corrupted state and cannot work. It feels so painful and agonizing. And when I see healthier people working, I see a life I could have had but didn't because of abuse. Abuse so hidden on the outside, everyone thought I was ok. I was not

So, I am doing what I can and trying to make the best of it. This is my life and my journey and my mom isn't here to abuse me anymore. I have to make the best of it, the best of the brokenness. I'm trying, and I hope I am trying enough

same here with my mother. died almost a decade ago.

it took me years to get to a decent place to where I could do stuff.

I guess I could answer some stuff if you have questions. I'm not great with open ended answers.

 

[Water-Lily]

same here with my mother. died almost a decade ago.

it took me years to get to a decent place to where I could do stuff.

I guess I could answer some stuff if you have questions. I'm not great with open ended answers.

Mine died 4 years ago

How have you been processing your mom? What place are you in now mentally and how have you gotten there?

 

[WhiteDespair]

I was numb for 1-2 months after she died. then, for a few years I would feel extra depressed around the holidays, birthdays, etc.

now, it doesn't bother me. pretty much at all.

tbh, I actually wound up understanding her which not many people did. I came to realize that she could only show love via material means (gifts, etc.) because of her own trauma. that was a huge difference between us and one way we were on different wavelengths. another was when she kept asking me to set up electronics for her. that's a pretty typical thing for women to do for men because men feel good (heroes) when they complete those tasks. I didn't understand that and it fell under the "you're the parent. you should figure it out for yourself. I'm not here to set up every damn thing you bring home." there are other examples but I don't really remember.

initial processing was teaching myself not to freak out when someone smiled at me. pretty much had to talk myself down whenever I noticed that I was getting twitchy when I received a smile.

it took about 5 years to get to the point where her death didn't really affect me too much.

when the cops told me she ctb I had to run to bed to keep myself from smiling and being absolutely jubilant because I was free.

at some point I kinda just said "fuck it. I don't care" to the whole "abuse and trauma ruined my life" thing.

now, I'm pretty much good. No real ctb thoughts unless I'm going through withdrawal or something. fairly positive or neutral overall. finances are shit because I fucked them up. I miss a fuckton of signals from people. I'm totally a loser in so many ways.

I'm a cunt but at least I admit it.

I am adhd and autistic so specific questions are totally the best.

 

[Water-Lily]

I was numb for 1-2 months after she died. then, for a few years I would feel extra depressed around the holidays, birthdays, etc.

now, it doesn't bother me. pretty much at all.

tbh, I actually wound up understanding her which not many people did. I came to realize that she could only show love via material means (gifts, etc.) because of her own trauma. that was a huge difference between us and one way we were on different wavelengths. another was when she kept asking me to set up electronics for her. that's a pretty typical thing for women to do for men because men feel good (heroes) when they complete those tasks. I didn't understand that and it fell under the "you're the parent. you should figure it out for yourself. I'm not here to set up every damn thing you bring home." there are other examples but I don't really remember.

initial processing was teaching myself not to freak out when someone smiled at me. pretty much had to talk myself down whenever I noticed that I was getting twitchy when I received a smile.

it took about 5 years to get to the point where her death didn't really affect me too much.

when the cops told me she ctb I had to run to bed to keep myself from smiling and being absolutely jubilant because I was free.

at some point I kinda just said "fuck it. I don't care" to the whole "abuse and trauma ruined my life" thing.

now, I'm pretty much good. No real ctb thoughts unless I'm going through withdrawal or something. fairly positive or neutral overall. finances are shit because I fucked them up. I miss a fuckton of signals from people. I'm totally a loser in so many ways.

I'm a cunt but at least I admit it.

I am adhd and autistic so specific questions are totally the best.

I thought I would be happy when my mom died. After all the absue she put me through, I was free. And today, I can say that I would not be able to grow in this way had she not died. But I fucking cried at her funeral. Because I still loved her. In some ways I still do. But I am learning to let her go for my sake

My mom too had her traumas. She was molested multiple times, scratched, beaten, made to sleep outside, verbal abuse, etc. It seemed she never caught a break. I am still angry and hateful for many of the horrors she put me through, though I want to forgive one day to bring peace to myself.

 

[WhiteDespair]

I thought I would be happy when my mom died. After all the absue she put me through, I was free. And today, I can say that I would not be able to grow in this way had she not died. But I fucking cried at her funeral. Because I still loved her. In some ways I still do. But I am learning to let her go for my sake

My mom too had her traumas. She was molested multiple times, scratched, beaten, made to sleep outside, verbal abuse, etc. It seemed she never caught a break. I am still angry and hateful for many of the horrors she put me through, though I want to forgive one day to bring peace to myself.

your first paragraph is me.

it's complicated. you love her and hate her. same with me. I hoped she would die on the way to work and never come back. every fucking night. her trips to the psych ward were vacations for me. still was pretty nonfunctional when she died and I'm grateful that my Dad could handle a lot of the stuff (funeral, house, etc.).

I've come to actually love her. never thought that would happen! the annoying thing here is that it's kinda like getting over one thing only for another to take its place. over and over, as the abuse finally gets dealt with. eventually, I worked through them or they just became nonissues. my mother was unable to move past her trauma and abuse.

yes. abuse and trauma dont give people the right to perpetuate it to their children. I think your mother had it worse than mine. I never got the full story.

I didnt focus on forgiveness. because forgiveness is a personal thing that may or may not happen. and why should you think of forgiveness when you're burning with rage from the abuse? never made sense to do that. it just happened that I learned enough and went through enough processing that forgiveness came.

 

[OctoberDusk]

That sounds like a fantastic cause. I've been volunteering for the last few years, too, which has helped a lot. It's also helped me meet some decent people, and a few who I was able to help when they most needed it. The organization can get pretty intense, though, so I've thought about also volunteering with an organization like you describe, or possibly with a botanical garden or park.

 

[whatevs]

I love composting! But how does it relate to food aside from fertilizing the soil?