Sickness

[HAKMKS]

If you found out that you had cancer would you treat it?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Absolutely not. Or, any other disease for that matter.

 

[Stormy Raine]

The doctor would be shocked when they gave me the results, I would be so happy! I would simply ask how long I have left and go enjoy my last days! My only question would be when can I get pain morphine for pain

If you found out that you had cancer would you treat it?

Would you? Just curious

 

[HighFlight]

It depends on the type of cancer and prognosis... If it's going to be annoyance, but not kill me, sure. But if it's a death sentence, I might turn into Walter White.

 

[FuneralCry]

If not treating it would cause me to die then of course I wouldn't treat it. I would just hope it kills me quickly and my focus would be reducing the suffering I experience as much as possible in my remaining time left. I wouldn't wish for any treatments as I don't see existing as being desirable, I only desire the true relief of eternal non-existence.

 

[HAKMKS]

Absolutely not. Or, any other disease for that matter.

Why not treat a disease that isn't going to kill you?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Why not treat a disease that isn't going to kill you?

Because I'm not that far from checking out, anyway. I already have a disease now that I'm not having treated.

 

[Stormy Raine]

Because I'm not that far from checking out, anyway. I already have a disease now that I'm not having

Because I'm not that far from checking out, anyway. I already have a disease now that I'm not having treated.

I wish I had some idea of when I'll be checking out. Does it help knowing you are close to checking out?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I wish I had some idea of when I'll be checking out. Does it help knowing you are close to checking out?

Does it help in what way? I wish I was already checked out. I just have to finish up some things that are "must dos". I wish I was already finished all up. At this point, I have no clear idea how long all of this stuff I have to finish up is going to take. I mean I know it's not going to take that long. Some amount of months, no doubt. I'm doing what I can to get to the place I need to be.

 

[Stormy Raine]

Does it help in what way? I wish I was already checked out. I just have to finish up some things that are "must dos". I wish I was already finished all up. At this point, I have no clear idea how long all of this stuff I have to finish up is going to take. I mean I know it's not going to take that long. Some amount of months, no doubt. I'm doing what I can to get to the place I need to be.

Does it help in knowing you will be leaving soon? I think if I knew my time was limited I'd think I'd actually be happier and no more SI. I only can hope I won't be here too much longer either.

 

[exiled]

As someone who is actively on SS, struggles with severe moments of wanting to CTB, has had cancer once (with a potential recurrence), as well as a life threatening liver disease, I'd like to offer my two cents. The reason I felt the need to qualify myself before responding is because I think that it really does put things into perspective when you actually go through it.

I was born with a rare liver disease known as biliary atresia. The survival rate was not very high when I was born, 27 years ago. Still, with all the medical advancements and technology, this disease has not been given much research nor attention due to how few cases are presented each year. There was over a 90% chance I would not be here with my original liver by the time I entered my teen years, but here I am, 27 with the same ol' liver I was born with. The surgery that was done on me as a child was doomed to fail - it was a means to buy time so I wouldn't die while on the transplant list. Turns out, this temporary fix ended up holding me for the next 20 some odd years. Doctors don't know what to do with me now that my liver is beginning to rapidly decline.

I just had a liver transplant evaluation last Friday at my local university. And I was also told that the lymph nodes in my neck are presenting a threat of malignancy. I firmly believe my initial cancer diagnosis stemmed from severe trauma and stress, and that my liver rapidly declined "out of the blue" because of the intensity of my mental illness and anxieties.

I have to tell you, when a surgeon looks you dead in the eye and says "how do you feel about death?" it is a game changer. As someone who truly, truly wants to end their life and sleeps with a rope just feet away from them just in case, that question terrified me. The surgeon warned me about how there is a 7% chance of death within the first year of a transplant. My SI kicked in, and I wasn't even attempting. They told me I do not seem to urgently need a transplant so they will do everything they can to fight to push it off as long as possible.

That being said, if my cancer recurs or if my liver truly gets to a life or death situation, I do not know what I would do. I am not saying that if I were to choose the route of a "cure", that I am no longer suicidal. So, to anyone reading this who is truly struggling with thoughts of CTB, please don't take this the wrong way. But: you may think you know how you would respond under a circumstance as such, but you don't. SI is very intense when faced with the reality of your life ending, no matter how much you want it. I still believe someday I will find the courage to CTB, but I don't believe it will be based on the refusal of treatment. I don't have it in me to say no. I'll fight like hell, even if everything within me wants to die. And yes, maybe that IS just me. But I will say, regardless of whether or not you'd use that as a means to CTB, it is a very painful route to go down. Being sick is just the absolute worst and I would not wish this to be the outcome for ANYONE, no matter how badly you want to die. Trust me, the sheer pain from some of these ailments have left me with no choice but to fight for the fix. I ask all of you to not wish this upon yourselves, regardless of where you are at.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Does it help in knowing you will be leaving soon? I think if I knew my time was limited I'd think I'd actually be happier and no more SI. I only can hope I won't be here too much longer either.

It doesn't make me "happy" to have to check out. It's actually quite sad that it has come to this for me, for everyone, who is on this path. Won't know about any SI until the actual moment arrives.

 

[tora]

while I would never want to have any sort of sickness, I definitely would never treat one. I would hate to die of cancer because I really don't want a slow, painful death. but I'd rather just let it happen than go into debt getting it treated.

 

[Stormy Raine]

It doesn't make me "happy" to have to check out. It's actually quite sad that it has come to this for me, for everyone, who is on this path. Won't know about any SI until the actual moment arrives.

I'm sorry. I'm always here if you ever want to talk I pray you can find some peace I'm all of this

 

[exiled]

It doesn't make me "happy" to have to check out. It's actually quite sad that it has come to this for me, for everyone, who is on this path. Won't know about any SI until the actual moment arrives.

I am sorry that it has come to this. I just want you to know it doesn't minimize your story nor pain if checking out still scares you despite it all. It's okay to grieve your life and hate that it could be taken away from you when it is not on your terms. What you're feeling is completely okay and valid; I understand to the extent that I can. For what it's worth, I hope that you do find peace in the way that you choose to find it. Control is important here, and I am sorry that your illness is interfering with that.

 

[Stormy Raine]

As someone who is actively on SS, struggles with severe moments of wanting to CTB, has had cancer once (with a potential recurrence), as well as a life threatening liver disease, I'd like to offer my two cents. The reason I felt the need to qualify myself before responding is because I think that it really does put things into perspective when you actually go through it.

I was born with a rare liver disease known as biliary atresia. The survival rate was not very high when I was born, 27 years ago. Still, with all the medical advancements and technology, this disease has not been given much research nor attention due to how few cases are presented each year. There was over a 90% chance I would not be here with my original liver by the time I entered my teen years, but here I am, 27 with the same ol' liver I was born with. The surgery that was done on me as a child was doomed to fail - it was a means to buy time so I wouldn't die while on the transplant list. Turns out, this temporary fix ended up holding me for the next 20 some odd years. Doctors don't know what to do with me now that my liver is beginning to rapidly decline.

I just had a liver transplant evaluation last Friday at my local university. And I was also told that the lymph nodes in my neck are presenting a threat of malignancy. I firmly believe my initial cancer diagnosis stemmed from severe trauma and stress, and that my liver rapidly declined "out of the blue" because of the intensity of my mental illness and anxieties.

I have to tell you, when a surgeon looks you dead in the eye and says "how do you feel about death?" it is a game changer. As someone who truly, truly wants to end their life and sleeps with a rope just feet away from them just in case, that question terrified me. The surgeon warned me about how there is a 7% chance of death within the first year of a transplant. My SI kicked in, and I wasn't even attempting. They told me I do not seem to urgently need a transplant so they will do everything they can to fight to push it off as long as possible.

That being said, if my cancer recurs or if my liver truly gets to a life or death situation, I do not know what I would do. I am not saying that if I were to choose the route of a "cure", that I am no longer suicidal. So, to anyone reading this who is truly struggling with thoughts of CTB, please don't take this the wrong way. But: you may think you know how you would respond under a circumstance as such, but you don't. SI is very intense when faced with the reality of your life ending, no matter how much you want it. I still believe someday I will find the courage to CTB, but I don't believe it will be based on the refusal of treatment. I don't have it in me to say no. I'll fight like hell, even if everything within me wants to die. And yes, maybe that IS just me. But I will say, regardless of whether or not you'd use that as a means to CTB, it is a very painful route to go down. Being sick is just the absolute worst and I would not wish this to be the outcome for ANYONE, no matter how badly you want to die. Trust me, the sheer pain from some of these ailments have left me with no choice but to fight for the fix. I ask all of you to not wish this upon yourselves, regardless of where you are at.

Now I completely understand, thank you! I always feel so guilty wishing I could die when people are wanting to live, waiting for organs, I feel so selfish. I guess I always thought I would be happy with a terminal illness and you explained it perfectly. I'm sorry I couldn't understand. I think sometimes people have to be in that situation to truly understand. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, I feel so bad even complaining about my life now.

 

[exiled]

Now I completely understand, thank you! I always feel so guilty wishing I could die when people are wanting to live, waiting for organs, I feel so selfish. I guess I always thought I would be happy with a terminal illness and you explained it perfectly. I'm sorry I couldn't understand. I think sometimes people have to be in that situation to truly understand. I'm sorry you have to deal with all this, I feel so bad even complaining about my life now.

No, no! My intent was definitely not to put trauma or depression on a scale. You are completely valid for what you commented and how you feel. Hell, I likely would've said the same thing too. Don't feel guilty. It is not your fault that others have an illness that may kill them; it does not make you a terrible person for wishing you could be dead. These things don't cancel each other out. I shared my story not to shame those who want to die, but to remind people that CTB should always be a choice and in the control of the person who wants to do it. It just makes things a lot more complicated when death is a potential force upon you that you cannot stop. You are 1000000% within your rights to wish you could end it all. But, for what it is worth, I hope that whatever ails you so deeply can come to a point of healing. I'm not pro-life, but I am pro-fight as much as you can before you give up. I hope that you are as best equipped as you can be in this life. Rooting for you!

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I am sorry that it has come to this. I just want you to know it doesn't minimize your story nor pain if checking out still scares you despite it all. It's okay to grieve your life and hate that it could be taken away from you when it is not on your terms. What you're feeling is completely okay and valid; I understand to the extent that I can. For what it's worth, I hope that you do find peace in the way that you choose to find it. Control is important here, and I am sorry that your illness is interfering with that.

My little bit of illness is nothing compared to what you deal with. My heart goes out to you.

 

[exiled]

My little bit of illness is nothing compared to what you deal with. My heart goes out to you.

Again, please do not feel like this is a scale that you need to compare to! What you are going through is absolutely valid, and sounds awful. I promise you do not need to minimize what you are going through in the face of the word "cancer" or "transplant". Life presents challenges in many different ways, and I know there are people who have far less "intensive" diagnoses that suffer way greater than I do. There is no scale to this stuff; I wish you all the best with your journey with whatever illness(es) you are facing. It isn't easy, and I commend you for fighting through it. Even if you don't feel like you are.

 

[Stormy Raine]

Thank you all

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Again, please do not feel like this is a scale that you need to compare to! What you are going through is absolutely valid, and sounds awful. I promise you do not need to minimize what you are going through in the face of the word "cancer" or "transplant". Life presents challenges in many different ways, and I know there are people who have far less "intensive" diagnoses that suffer way greater than I do. There is no scale to this stuff; I wish you all the best with your journey with whatever illness(es) you are facing. It isn't easy, and I commend you for fighting through it. Even if you don't feel like you are.

You're right. None of this is a contest. If it were, it would rank amongst the most morbid contests ever.

 

[exiled]

You're right. None of this is a contest. If it were, it would rank amongst the most morbid contests ever.

Yeah, "who has it worse" is my least favorite game to play! It's no fun, and I'm not sure that my goal would be to be the winner. Ha.