Story SI

[donsie]

SI has got to be one of the most powerful forces on this earth. I failed today.

29 years of wanting to die, some days more than others.I have a solid 40 attempts between cutting, pills, co, hanging, plans to jump off buildings, throw myself on in front of a train, even mixed up the detergent suicide. I'm pretty great at failing in life and not following through.

Now add a Gun. Something I have always wanted…. I couldn't pull the trigger.

When I tell you I dotted all my i's and crossed my T's, I was and still am prepared to leave this world this very second, but I couldn't pull the trigger.

I have sense given the gun to my best friend, who will return it to its owner I stole it from. I have told said owner and they will be better at protecting it.

I gave up my ticket. The last 45 days have been mentally exhausting. I self sabotaged myself and didn't pay bills etc. I still have my job and the money to catch up on the bills so my quality of life in that area is fine.

All the reasons I don't want to live, they are still with me , I'm so angry and frustrated with myself.

Why am I not in a hospital you ask? I didn't go to pro lifers (hospital). I confided in the ones who've been there before, who know me.

Let me tell you, they can't believe I didn't pull the trigger either.

So yea, SI is a fucking cunt and I live to see another day. I won't make another attempt in the near future. I have an emotional hangover and have to get back to this groundhogs day of a life.

I will continue with this site and be an ally. I would like to see VAD in my lifetime, maybe then I'll get my peaceful exit. I was frequently on it long before I was a member and enjoy having a no judgement, no filter space to process.

thanks for everything

 

[RobertGomes]

From my perspective, I've been counting the days. I'm not comfortable in supporting suicide ideations on anyone but I sure can relate to all of them. Life is hard and to die it seems even harder.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you are going through this pain, it's a terrible spot to be in, not wanting to live and unable to leave. Don't beat yourself up over it, most of us here are all in the same boat. All we have ever known is this life and it's not easy for our mind to accept and make peace with the unknown after life or lack thereof. Our body is programed to keep on living and sucks to not be able to break free. The unavailability of peaceful and reliable methods doesn't help either. Anyways don't stress your self about it, things will happen when they happen, until then make your self comfortable around here :) wishing you all the best

 

[donsie]

Am sorry you are going through this pain, it's a terrible spot to be in, not wanting to live and unable to leave. Don't beat yourself up over it, most of us here are all in the same boat. All we have ever known is this life and it's not easy for our mind to accept and make peace with the unknown after life or lack thereof. Our body is programed to keep on living and sucks to not be able to break free. The unavailability of peaceful and reliable methods doesn't help either. Anyways don't stress your self about it, things will happen when they happen, until then make your self comfortable around here :) wishing you all the best

Thank you so much. 7 pounds of pressure is all I had to give it. My jaw hurts from holding it in there for so long. Thank you for your kind words. I failed, time to move on. You are right about the unavailability, it's criminal. Thank you for accepting me.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you've been through a lot, it really is far too unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms. It certainly would prevent so much suffering if VAD became available, I find it horrible how it's not an option. But anyway best wishes.