SI issues

[User35688446786]

Hello, I was going to go ahead with it today but then hit a road block. I know I want to die the reasons I want to die are irreversible. I had everything planned but then nothing. I'm not sure what's holding me back. I had the perfect circumstances to do it tonight. I'd fasted for 12 hours, I wouldn't be found for at least a further 16 hours. I'm so annoyed at myself

I've now eaten because oh my god was I hungry so now can't really do anything

 

[gottacheckout]

This is your mind telling you that it is not the right time.

 

[User35688446786]

This is your mind telling you that it is not the right time.

Yeah in a way, except it's wrong it's the perfect time. If that's even a thing. No times truly the right time. But I've been dealing with this a many half hearted attempts and real attempts for the best part of a decade, like shit or get off the pot you know?

 

[gottacheckout]

I wish you the best regardless of which path you choose to go down.

 

[kagebunshin]

But I've been dealing with this a many half hearted attempts

You yourself call them half-hearted attempts, which means you're not fully committed. Ask yourself, what is it that's stopping you from making a wholehearted, dedicated attempt? What are the things still tying you down to this world? If you were truly ready to go, nothing would hold you back.

 

[Lapdog6795]

Don't worry
Try again when you have chance.
And if you change your mind, that too is okay.
No point in beating yourself up.

 

[User35688446786]

You yourself call them half-hearted attempts, which means you're not fully committed. Ask yourself, what is it that's stopping you from making a wholehearted, dedicated attempt? What are the things still tying you down to this world? If you were truly ready to go, nothing would hold you back.

By half hearted I kind of mean partial hanging attempts about 5 years ago that didn't work. Mostly because it's actually really hard to partial hang, I just couldn't get it on the right place on my neck so I'd just kind of choke for a bit. I think my fear comes from something going wrong, catastrophic thinking is a real issue for me anyway

 

[kagebunshin]

By half hearted I kind of mean partial hanging attempts about 5 years ago that didn't work. Mostly because it's actually really hard to partial hang, I just couldn't get it on the right place on my neck so I'd just kind of choke for a bit. I think my fear comes from something going wrong, catastrophic thinking is a real issue for me anyway

It's important to choose a method you feel the most comfortable with. No method is 100% failproof nor could any one method truly be called pleasant, but that is unfortunately the reality. Your anxieties about what will happen after your attempt fails show that you are still attached to your life. Of course that's okay and perfectly natural. But that attachment is the reason why you're struggling mentally to ctb. Please don't feel bad about it. I believe that ctb is the hardest thing a person can do.

 

[Pale_Rider]

The perfect time is when you do it. I can relate. Ive had made many attempts . ctb is about each one of us. There is no time line, is how I look at it. Way to much on the line to look at it any other way imo./

 

[timechained]

If you were truly ready to go, nothing would hold you back.

Not true, in fact it's the opposite, going into it you think about everything in your life. This is why so many people can't do it.

When I committed to my attempts, and the methods failed, I was thinking about how maybe my life could be different. Of course in the end you believe real death is better than some false hope.

 

[kagebunshin]

Not true, in fact it's the opposite, going into it you think about everything in your life. This is why so many people can't do it.

When I committed to my attempts, and the methods failed, I was thinking about how maybe my life could be different. Of course in the end you believe real death is better than some false hope.

I guess everyone's experience of enacting their own death is different. For me, I let go of everything at the end. My life had already come to a close and I left it behind in peace. It's really sad to think of you wanting more from life whilst trying to end it. For what it's worth, I hope that you're able to attain the changes you want in your life.

 

[timechained]

I guess everyone's experience of enacting their own death is different. For me, I let go of everything at the end. My life had already come to a close and I left it behind in peace. It's really sad to think of you wanting more from life whilst trying to end it. For what it's worth, I hope that you're able to attain the changes you want in your life.

Nothing beats that sense of peace that you feel at the end.

 

[User35688446786]

Yeah I mean to clarify, I'm not scared of death, or scared of what people should think if I failed at an attempt. I'm more scared of being in a worse position than I am now physically due to a failed attempt. I have no thoughts that life will get better, it just won't. I think it's just the actual base primal feeling of needing to stay alive. My logical rational brain does not see a need to stay alive. It's just that dumb base programming. Obviously no attempt is risk free, but realistically if a button was in front of me that once pushed would kill me with 100% effect I would push it in a heartbeat

 

[Mooncry]

like shit or get off the pot you know?

Unrelated to the topic, but thank you for reminding me of that expression. It made me laugh lol

I feel the same way as you though, except I know concretely what's holding me back from fully committing. It's just something that's personally very hard for me to let go of.

 

[kagebunshin]

Nothing beats that sense of peace that you feel at the end.

And nothing is worse than waking up and realising that you're still alive.

Yeah I mean to clarify, I'm not scared of death, or scared of what people should think if I failed at an attempt. I'm more scared of being in a worse position than I am now physically due to a failed attempt. I have no thoughts that life will get better, it just won't. I think it's just the actual base primal feeling of needing to stay alive. My logical rational brain does not see a need to stay alive. It's just that dumb base programming. Obviously no attempt is risk free, but realistically if a button was in front of me that once pushed would kill me with 100% effect I would push it in a heartbeat

I understand that, I wouldn't hesitate to guess that the vast, vast majority of suicidal people feel just the same. It's an awful place to be in. Words can't describe how it feels to fail a genuine attempt. I really wish you all the best in this in terms of your mental state and peace of mind.

 

[User35688446786]

Unrelated to the topic, but thank you for reminding me of that expression. It made me laugh lol

It's such a good saying

 

[timechained]

Yeah I mean to clarify, I'm not scared of death, or scared of what people should think if I failed at an attempt. I'm more scared of being in a worse position than I am now physically due to a failed attempt. I have no thoughts that life will get better, it just won't. I think it's just the actual base primal feeling of needing to stay alive. My logical rational brain does not see a need to stay alive. It's just that dumb base programming. Obviously no attempt is risk free, but realistically if a button was in front of me that once pushed would kill me with 100% effect I would push it in a heartbeat

My psychiatrist asked me "you say you still don't want to live, what keeps you going?" And my answer was essentially what you said here minus the brain/programming parts and also that I wanted a method where I don't have to think about me dying in the final moments.