Venting SI is so stupid.

[SpiritualDeath]

20F. I know I need to go through it at some point, sooner or later. I'm not gonna wait for life to force age related suffering on me so even if not now or in the near future, I'll need to go through it before old age. I know it's better to be done as soon as possible since this dragging along is completely meaningless, only leaving me in life with more potential suffering, but I'm always sensitive, prone to anxiety and have low pain tolerance (since very young), so SI is going to make suicide very hard for me.

I feel like even though I'm living a lifestyle right now with a goal of creating more future ctb opportunities and making this whole thing easier (no relationships(let alone marriage and children), no pets, minimum necessary interaction with ppl, intense research into related things, complete focus on becoming as independent as possible, etc), SI is still gonna drag me way longer than I actually (practically) need.

I do feel stupid about this. Call me a coward or whatever. I just regard myself as a living example of how trapped we actually are in this thing called existence.

 

[Worndown]

SI is why humans did not die off thousands of years ago. It is powerful.
There are ways to trick it depending on your method.

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is like the survival instinct exists just to prolong suffering and keep one trapped here, it's cruel to me how it's so difficult to die, it really should be more straightforward to finally leave this existence.

 

[Worndown]

It also keeps people away from fires, the edge of a cliff and deep water. In this situation it goes against our desires. Finding ways around it is the goal. It only keeps you here until you can do that.

 

[strawb12]

SI seriously sucks. I'm feel so lucky that my SI is relatively low but you're definitely not a coward if you have high SI. It just means that your brain is functioning & trying to keep you alive. Thats probably not your goal if you're here though so I hope you can find a method that you can go through even with high SI or find a way to trick your brain.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

SI seriously sucks. I'm feel so lucky that my SI is relatively low but you're definitely not a coward if you have high SI. It just means that your brain is functioning & trying to keep you alive. Thats probably not your goal if you're here though so I hope you can find a method that you can go through even with high SI or find a way to trick your brain.

Lucky you. I'm not scared of death actually. My SI is more like a fear of failed attempts and the "maybe I'm not 100% sure I want to die" feeling that comes out of nowhere, and generally low pain tolerance. Is it because it's not the right time or I need a "last straw" to push myself through it? Sounds ironic that a pro-mortalist needs "the right time" to go through her ctb lol.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I think i'm nearing the boiling point where I can overcome SI but the time tables are really the tricky part. How I'm feeling now is how I need to feel when Im about to do it. But SI could reflare at that time. This is horrible…

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I think i'm nearing the boiling point where I can overcome SI but the time tables are really the tricky part. How I'm feeling now is how I need to feel when Im about to do it. But SI could reflare at that time. This is horrible…

SI is really a bitch. Maybe trying to plan everything ahead and wait for an impulse to get it over with quickly would help? That's probably what I'm gonna do. If I have the date planned I may start to panic long before the planned date and chicken out at last.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

SI is really a bitch. Maybe trying to plan everything ahead and wait for an impulse to get it over with quickly would help? That's probably what I'm gonna do. If I have the date planned I may start to panic long before the planned date and chicken out at last.

Even with a plan I'm afraid. The changes in SI are frequent. And also I don't wanna do anything impulsively and I always advise against it…but could that be the problem? Should I actually be flipping this the other way and rely on impulse more? I have no idea

 

[Minsu]

SI is really a bitch. Maybe trying to plan everything ahead and wait for an impulse to get it over with quickly would help? That's probably what I'm gonna do. If I have the date planned I may start to panic long before the planned date and chicken out at last.

Or maybe using benzos with alcohol beforehand idk

 

[SpiritualDeath]

Even with a plan I'm afraid. The changes in SI are frequent. And also I don't wanna do anything impulsively and I always advise against it…but could that be the problem? Should I actually be flipping this the other way and rely on impulse more? I have no idea

I would say just focus on the planning part right now and after you have everything planned and ready, wait for the impulse to act instead of setting a date in advance. I'm against unplanned impulsive actions as well since it's at risk of failure.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

I would say just focus on the planning part right now and after you have everything planned and ready, wait for the impulse to act instead of setting a date in advance. I'm against unplanned impulsive actions as well as it's at risk of failure.

I mean that's what im saying tho even with a plan this is likely to just shoot all the SI into my mind and body at that time and screw everything up.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I mean that's what im saying tho even with a plan this is likely to just shoot all the SI into my mind and body at that time and screw everything up.

yeah you're right this is possible...it's just not straightforward at all or else I wouldn't still be here...

 

[soonatpeace777888]

I don't have SI as much of a fear of failing and being paralyzed.

 

[suchaprettygard3n]

sometimes i really feel like im about to get over my SI. like with my first attempt i thought i'd be more scared, like i was almost scarily calm, it was only until i'd swallowed the pills and i could feel myself starting to slip away, that i got scared and got taken into hospital. it just made me even more frustrated with myself. i just remember thinking like "wow i cant even do THIS right"

 

[Deleted member 8975]

yeah you're right this is possible...it's just not straightforward at all or else I wouldn't still be here...

I had an idea to self sabotage in a way that would really make me wish to die immediately but now a friend is giving me the idea it may actually backfired and not go the way I want. So...you're right. There is no one answer it seems. It makes me frequently question what I am doing with my life as a whole.

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I had an idea to self sabotage in a way that would really make me wish to die immediately but now a friend is giving me the idea it may actually backfired and not go the way I want. So...you're right. There is no one answer it seems. It makes me frequently question what I am doing with my life as a whole.

Self sabotaging sounds risky. If things don't go the way you want you may end up in a worse state than you are in now.

 

[AshClouds]

kinda worried it would ruin my whole entire plan. The only people who can really give advice on how to overcome it are dead. If it comes to it, I guess I'll just "do it" fast without even thinking about it, but thats easier said than done.

 

[Louise Payne]

Lucky you. I'm not scared of death actually. My SI is more like a fear of failed attempts and the "maybe I'm not 100% sure I want to die" feeling that comes out of nowhere, and generally low pain tolerance. Is it because it's not the right time or I need a "last straw" to push myself through it? Sounds ironic that a pro-mortalist needs "the right time" to go through her ctb lol.

I am the same. I have a relative high SI because I have not found the best way to CTB. I would like a pain-free option but I do not know how to do it. That is the only reason why I am still here. I am looking for a full proof way also because a failed attempt can mean mentally or physically debilitating effects.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

Self sabotaging sounds risky. If things don't go the way you want you may end up in a worse state than you are in now.

ya like doing things that could wind up basically not going as i thought they would and having a positive outcome. And then it's like...then what? I'll be confused? lost? triggered depressed? or would things somehow improve? sounds impossible...but in a way it sounds an ideal risk trade off for me to overcome SI potentially. I'm not sure.

 

[sserafim]

I know right. I hate how my body's instinct is to keep itself alive when I never even wanted to be in this world in the first place. I never even wanted to exist, but it's so hard to die. And for what good reason? Why? I hate SI and the stupid biological processes in place to prevent us from leaving this hellhole.
Btw I tried to VSED but I only lasted 2 days due to that pesky SI. I wish SI didn't exist so I could just starve and dehydrate to death. I would refuse anything from this world and cease to be a part of it. I want to release myself from all attachments to the world, even food and water. But it's so hard…

 

[SpiritualDeath]

kinda worried it would ruin my whole entire plan. The only people who can really give advice on how to overcome it are dead. If it comes to it, I guess I'll just "do it" fast without even thinking about it, but thats easier said than done.

I guess it's better to try not to overthink or overcomplicate things. I'm far from an emotional person actually but my anxiety level tends to go straight high when I overthink.

I am the same. I have a relative high SI because I have not found the best way to CTB. I would like a pain-free option but I do not know how to so it. That is the only reason why I am still here. I am looking for a full proof way also because a failed attempt can mean mental or physical debilitating effects.

It seems like suicide is deliberately made difficult. Anything more straightforward and peaceful has ended up illegal in most countries. This sucks.

I know right. I hate how my body's instinct is to keep itself alive when I never even wanted to be in this world in the first place. I never even wanted to exist, but it's so hard to die. And for what good reason? Why? I hate SI and the stupid biological processes in place to prevent us from leaving this hellhole.
Btw I tried to VSED but I only lasted 2 days due to that pesky SI. I wish SI didn't exist so I could just starve and dehydrate to death. I would refuse anything from this world and cease to be a part of it. I want to release myself from all attachments to the world, even food and water. But it's so hard…

Biological instincts are really stupid and primitive. I swear if any of these such as hormones ever tries to drive me towards wanting to procreate (haven't happened to me so far but some people said such thing started to happen after they turned 25 or sth), I'll ctb quickly. That's definitely a last straw to me.

 

[sserafim]

I guess it's better to try not to overthink or overcomplicate things. I'm far from an emotional person actually but my anxiety level tends to go straight high when I overthink.

It seems like suicide is deliberately made difficult. Anything more straightforward and peaceful has ended up illegal in most countries. This sucks.

Biological instincts are really stupid and primitive. I swear if any of these such as hormones ever tries to drive me towards wanting to procreate (haven't happened to me so far but some people said such thing started to happen after they turned 25 or sth), I'll ctb quickly. That's definitely a last straw to me.

Literally. I'm aroace but I will never willingly bring life into this world. I will not bring people here just to suffer. I hate that humans have the instinct to procreate and bring new life into the world. Life is full of suffering and misery and the worst thing is that those children have no say in being born. They didn't consent to being here but they're here anyways. I certainly didn't ask to be here but here I am, on this hellish planet.

I hate that we're biological beings and that we still have these urges and instincts, but I guess we can't help it. Hopefully one day AI or technology allows humanity to break free of these instincts and transcend our biology

 

[SpiritualDeath]

Literally. I'm aroace but I will never willingly bring life into this world. I will not bring people here just to suffer. I hate that humans have the instinct to procreate and bring new life into the world. Life is full of suffering and misery and the worst thing is that those children have no say in being born. They didn't consent to being here but they're here anyways. I certainly didn't ask to be here but here I am, on this hellish planet.

I hate that we're biological beings and that we still have these urges and instincts, but I guess we can't help it. Hopefully one day AI or technology allows humanity to break free of these instincts and transcend our biology

This is one of the main reasons why life's a prison. Existence would never be worth it this way, at least not until humans transcend our biology and everyone's offered a straightforward, painless and permanent way out of existence at any time under any condition.

 

[sserafim]

This is one of the main reasons why life's a prison. Existence would never be worth it this way, at least not until humans transcend our biology and everyone's offered a straightforward, painless and permanent way out of existence at any time under any condition.

I know right, I hate the fact that we're all trapped here in this world and we have to resort to such drastic measures to escape, most of which have devastating consequences if one's attempt fails. The only thing stopping me from doing it is the risk of failure. What if I fail? Then I'll have a fate worse than death. I really hope that technology and technological advances help the world for the better and help us find better and safer ways to leave this world. I believe that if I don't want to be here, I should have a guaranteed, safe way out. I think all people should have this option.

I also hate the meaninglessness of existence. Existence seems so unfulfilling and meaningless to me. I haven't found my purpose yet and I don't know why we have to keep existing every day, and some people are barely surviving. I don't think many people are truly happy in this society.

I am the same. I have a relative high SI because I have not found the best way to CTB. I would like a pain-free option but I do not know how to do it. That is the only reason why I am still here. I am looking for a full proof way also because a failed attempt can mean mentally or physically debilitating effects.

Same. I hate the fact that if an attempt is unsuccessful it usually leaves people with lasting consequences, which can be devastating and further make their life more miserable. I don't know the universe has to further punish people for being unsuccessful. It's just not fair. The risk of failure is the only thing preventing me from attempting tbh.

I wish that there were a safe failproof method that worked 100% of the time, and that it would be readily available to everyone. I think that we should have the right to die if we want to.

 

[sad_dude]

SI is why humans did not die off thousands of years ago. It is powerful.
There are ways to trick it depending on your method.

pls drop ur tips/thread links T_T