Venting SI induced mental torture

[Lo$t95]

The closer my date becomes the more SI is torturing my mind. Paralysed staring at the ceiling since last night going through loops in my head fighting with myself.

The only solution I can think of is continuing to abuse alcohol and disassociate until Friday night. I knew this would most likely happen so prepared as much as possible but this is just painful. I need to die and nothing else should matter - objectively it doesn't yet here I am struggling with my own mind.

Anybody who ever told you suicide is easy lied to you.

 

[Rynalia]

It's probably the most difficult decision anyone would actually ever make in their entire life. If by some miracle you get past the decision portion, then actually doing it is the literal most difficult battle ever conceived.

Your entire body is fighting tooth and nail to stop you at every corner, using any means necessary to make you reconsider.

Anyone who says it's easy probably isn't / never has been suicidal. Anyone who would be able to say it is easy, isn't around anymore.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

YES, she's more of a bitch than I was when I was a girl.

 

[itsoverforme303]

I don't drink much nowadays but I am thinking of picking it up for my last days just to numb the pain. Every second I am lucid is a second of intense mental torture. I used to look forward to sleep but now every night it's nightmares over and over and over. Even if I take a small 20 minutes nap I dream of horrible things. I don't know if it's the medication or my brain is just fucked. I am unhealthy piece of shit, I don't exercise, I smoke like an engine. Why the fuck do I not get a heart attack while regular, happy, healthy people do?

 

[Lo$t95]

YES, she's more of a bitch than I was when I was a girl.

So your trans then yeah?

Thank fuck for alcohol honestly it's the only relief I got right now. Reasonably content right now listening to German techno 5 tequila shots deep.

Today was painful though and honestly the inevitable blackout at the end of tonight should knock me out for the rest of my spare time in this world. No stressing if you're unconscious.

After waking up Friday ~ just more practicing tying knots in the dark, eat something and then head off to die. ( I need to frame this as something to look forward to in my mind. )

That's the plan at least. Probably going to wrecked by SI again before then but for now alcohol and music.

I don't drink much nowadays but I am thinking of picking it up for my last days just to numb the pain. Every second I am lucid is a second of intense mental torture. I used to look forward to sleep but now every night it's nightmares over and over and over. Even if I take a small 20 minutes nap I dream of horrible things. I don't know if it's the medication or my brain is just fucked. I am unhealthy piece of shit, I don't exercise, I smoke like an engine. Why the fuck do I not get a heart attack while regular, happy, healthy people do?

The world stopped making sense to me a long time ago. I don't have the answers. It just is what it is ~ and whatever that is I don't want to be a part of it.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

I wish I were a man, darling, I'd have more courage. I'm a woman. I was born with a pretty pussy, and it withered. Now I'm rotting. Neither caterpillars nor butterflies have such a cruel life. Metamorphosis in reverse. I'm so sorry, darling.

 

[Lo$t95]

I wish I were a man, darling, I'd have more courage. I'm a woman. I was born with a pretty pussy, and it withered. Now I'm rotting. Neither caterpillars nor butterflies have such a cruel life. Metamorphosis in reverse. I'm so sorry, darling.

When we die we all become rotting corpses ~ so honestly fuck it nothing really matters anyways.

 

[Daenerys Targaryen]

When we die we all become rotting corpses ~ so honestly fuck it nothing really matters anyways.

you see, the important thing is that we are well dead and confirmed.

 

[AreWeWinning]

The closer my date becomes the more SI is torturing my mind. Paralysed staring at the ceiling since last night going through loops in my head fighting with myself.

The only solution I can think of is continuing to abuse alcohol and disassociate until Friday night. I knew this would most likely happen so prepared as much as possible but this is just painful. I need to die and nothing else should matter - objectively it doesn't yet here I am struggling with my own mind.

Anybody who ever told you suicide is easy lied to you.

Just make sure you don't drink on your last day, otherwise you might fuck it up.

I wish I were a man, darling, I'd have more courage. I'm a woman. I was born with a pretty pussy, and it withered.

I'm a man. I was born with a hard dick, and now it's softened. Luckily, I still have the courage (I hope!).

Anyways, I thought about making a thread like this towards my last days too, I'm just afraid it can be a distraction.

 

[timechained]

It sounds like your talking yourself into ctb rather than feeling the need to ctb. Maybe deep down you know you have alternatives...

Awareness of your death is just the beginning phase.