should si be ignored?

[meowingnomore]

i'm not sure how to really form this thought but it's something that's been on my mind for a long time. a few years ago i watched my best friend die from sn on her bedroom floor. i'd lost track of how many times i'd called ambulances for her different attempts, but by the end it felt like a weekly occurrence. i've tried to be happy for her that she finally got what she wanted, but the last thing she said has always haunted me. as she was starting to lose her breath she said to her partner "is the ambulance coming? i don't want to die". obviously she wanted to die in a really serious meaningful way or she wouldn't have taken sn, something two of our friends had died from in the previous month. i'm just wondering if anyone thinks the words of someone mid attempt should really be listened to. si is gonna be present in just about anyone but is it just an instinctual automatic response or do people on average logically change their minds after they've attempted? i guess the only way to really know for sure is asking survivors but i wanted to hear people's thoughts.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry for your losses.

It's difficult to say isn't it? I think a lot of it is fear and wanting to feel safe again. There have been a couple of times in life where I've had strong emotions that contradicted what I thought I logically wanted- to die.

Once was where I witnessed a huge fire in a block of flats. I didn't live there. I wasn't even all that close but, fire terrifies me- so- it was like looking at death and for a few days, I felt so scared and almost grateful for life. I think that was more the fear of being in a fire though- rather than a genuine wish to live.

Another time, I was just about to have keyhole surgery to get my gallbladder removed. Not a big op and not terribly risky but, it was my first one. I was saying goodbye to my Dad before I went in and it was confusing because- I did feel afraid and upset. Again, it would actually have been ideal to die under anaesthetic. Still, I think it was more the action of saying goodbye. I wondered about it at the time though and decided it was also because I hadn't got my affairs in order.

Another unrelated time was when my parents dropped me off at the Halls of Residence for uni. I was so relieved to be leaving home (away from a suspected narcissist who caused me to feel suicidal to begin with.) But, again I was afraid and a part of me just wanted to go back with them. Really though, that was just fear of the unknown. And really, death is the biggest unknown there is. Maybe, when we've initiatedthe process, we have a stronger desire to stick with what we know.

I suppose there have been genuine cases. One, where a guy survived a jump. I remember him saying he regretted it the moment he jumped but I imagine the fear and the fall would do that to anyone. He did turn his life around- as it happens. But then- that makes me wonder too- was that because he suddenly got more support in life? Plus- that's got to be one hell of an adrenaline shot!