Should one try to forgive the people who ruined your life?

[noname223]

If one says oneself has destroyed the life I think one should try to forgive. I think many people here struggle to be kind to themselves. Me included.

Though I rather think other people destroyed my life. My parents and bullies. I rather could forgive my parents not the bullies. My parents are simply stupid as fuck. However I think there is evil in them otherwise one would not treat another human being in such a cruel way. I mean who beats up children at the age of 5 every single day. Especially my mom acted like a psychopath. But I don't think she is one. Rather real jerks or morons. They ruined not only my life they are also affected by the consequences. The consequences for me are way worse though. But they will have to live with their both ill children together in poverty. Or they will have to cope with my suicide. Both probably sucks.

Others here in this forum told me teenagers or children are simply cruel. That is just human nature, If this is human nature I become a misanthrope. Actually I dislike most teenagers due to my awful experiences. It is one reason why I never want to procreate.

I cannot forgive these people. I want to forget these people as good as possible but they haunt me in my nightmares. I was bullied mostly due to obesitiy. It traumatized me. But the domestic abuse also led to my horrible life. The consequencs for me are lethal. I think such stories were the reaosn why people invented religion. There should be justice in the afterlife. Though I don't believe in that. The nothingness is more comforting for me anyway. Noone is a saint I suppose. Some religions claim people who ctb go hell. I was very scared about that when I thought about afterlife.

 

[hamvil]

If I manage to go away it will not be a problem anymore man. No more me, no more people to forget. For me stopping worrying about them is the most important thing. I am a person that keeps ruminating, I will never manage to forget what they did to me nor to forgive. Forgiven but not forgotten, wish I could manage that.

 

[TigerFestival]

I can't forgive my brothers for putting me through hell in my life, physically and psychologically abusing me and making me feel like complete shit, as for my bullies, while I won't ever forgive them either, at least I don't have to deal with them anymore. I'm STILL dealing with my brothers today, thankfully one is in prison, although I fear he may get out one day, my other brother lives in a different state, but visits once or twice a year and it's hell when he comes.

So no, I can't forgive people who harmed me, they're people that turned me into the broken person that I currently am.

 

[theboy]

Sure

 

[Suicidebydeath]

No. Only if they really changed. We tend to delude ourselves when the problem is family and forgive them too easily.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hell No!!!!!
There are some people who fucked me over that made my life even more miserable. To this day I'm STILL stuffering the consequences.

I will hate them til I die!!!!

 

[Celerity]

The Adult Children of Alcoholics group (ACoA) used to hold forgiveness as a tenet of the process just like AA, its inspiration, but they found over the years that this doesn't always work well, if rarely. I have to agree. Some people don't deserve forgiveness, and forgiveness is really for you, not them. Forgiveness can't be forced and if trying to forgive someone is making you miserable, you are under no obligation to keep trying.

 

[freedompass]

If life goes well for you in adulthood it may be easier to forget your parents' or others' transgressions when you were a vulnerable child. If however you develop a mental illness, are unable to form a lasting relationship or achieve a good career it is I suppose natural to look for answers as to where things went wrong.

For a long time, pretty much cut adrift from family to struggle on my own, I blamed myself for my problems. The damage caused by my upbringing dawned on me slowly through therapy but it's only very recently that I realised the level of emotional abandonment and neglect in childhood was such that I felt I never had parents.

The knock on effects for me were greatly exacerbated when, in the throes of psychosis I ended up giving birth. My 'mother' promised social services she would take primary responsibility for her grandchild. If not for her he would have been adopted. A better outcome for everyone. Suffice to say she didn't follow through on her promise and my son ended up in foster care.

Maybe I could have forgiven and forgotten more easily if it was just my life that had been ruined.

Mum is 90 now and I've had to accept I will never get any answers, closure or even simple acknowledgement of what she did or didn't do. She has never been accountable for anything, she is always the victim. I have had to make a jigsaw and can only guess at the missing pieces such as how badly she herself had been affected by being sent away to Catholic boarding school at 4 and then evacuated to the US for the duration of WW2. It might be easier to forgive if she could even acknowledge her own sickness, you know?

So in order not to abandon her completely at this late stage I suppose I will just have to be the bigger person and suck it up because let's face it nothing will materially change at 90 years old. Do I forgive? The jury is out. Forget? Nope, never.

 

[makethepainstop]

I do understand everyone's position here on this subject. My stepdad was a psychotic, alcoholic bully. When I was five, he and my mom decide that we would all go on his trucking routes with him as an independent trucker. That was when my first night of misery began when this nutcase undressed at the hotel and told me he was a nudist!?? Then I discovered that my aunt had not packed any of my pajamas, so I asked what I was supposed to sleep in... this ass told me I should sleep in the raw! Then this poster boy for mental illness started screaming at me that there was nothing wrong with nudism and he'd paste anyone in the mouth who said it was wrong! Including my grandmothers? Now, this is just the start of my lifelong torments with this SOB.
Then years later when My mom finally concluded he was screwed up in the head she divorced his ass. After having this SOB scream at me every day of my young life. She thought to be rid of his ass, but they had a kid together. Once the divorce proceeding started this guy became even worse. Imagine having four cop cars and ambulances show up at your house at 4:00 am and demanding to know where the shooting victim was. Trust me when I tell you this can mess a kid up for life, when done over and over.
Then there was the time he busted a windowpane out of the dining room window.
Mom had a restraining order, but that is just a piece of paper, ignored by psyco-type dudes. Next was him calling and calling at all hours on the phone. And I remember in high school this idiot was threatening to kill me, my mom, and my sister. I cannot tell you what going to school every day in a car with your mom's shotgun is like.
Next, he showed up at a law office my aunt worked at saying he was going to pour acid on my mom's face. Then he demanded and got visitation with my half-sister from the court. One night he showed up drunk and psychotic at my uncle's house screaming and pounding on the front door. Uncle J racked back the slide on his 45 and the coward took off. Finally, mom and the cops caught his ass, and he got some jail time out of it. I could go on and on, but I think you all get some of the picture.
Forgive he, oh hell no. Jesus says we should forgive those who hurt us, but then I am not Jesus. So yeah, if you can forgive good, but it's hard to do some when someone has hurt so badly it affects your entire life.