should i?

[Life_and_Death]

theres nothing stopping me from grabbing my rope and going out. no one would even notice for several hours. hes sleeping and at this point its normal for me to go on random walks.
ive got things i should deal with first as it can cause problems after im gone. but with each passing day im caring less. living hurts so much....
the pain of death will stop, while the pain of living will continue until im dead

 

[keitaro]

life is sure painful. if you decide to do it, i hope it goes smoothly so you can find eternal relief.

 

[FireWalkWithMe]

I think if you're asking a forum whether you should that is probably an indication that you should not.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

ive got things i should deal with first as it can cause problems after im gone. but with each passing day im caring less. living hurts so much....

I feel you, but I think having unfinished business might make it harder to complete the act. I think it's easier to go if we don't have other things on our mind. Just a thought.

I do hope that you find some comfort and peace. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I understand how difficult that is.

 

[8evergo]

better a short pain than lifelong torment

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm thinking I could probably do it here. I'm shaking, crying, my heart hurts... But I don't want to back down. My high fear of backing down makes me want to just go forward with it and not stop.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I realize this is very challenging. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know you know this, but there's nothing wrong with backing down, just like there's nothing wrong with going through with it. Do what's comfortable for you.

Know that you have support here. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

 

[Life_and_Death]

technically didnt back down.
2 people stopped and asked if i was ok "yeah just looking at the water". i figured i worried enough people at that point and was debating on heading home. i had been out there for an hour in a heavy fog (not including the time it took me to get there, about 45mins i think. its not far but i walked). i was damp, so cold my teeth chattered.
then the cops (2) showed up. 2 more stopped to ask if they needed assistance, i was cool so the answer was no. i told them a bit that was going on. i have bpd, cant go to therapy due to complications, abandoned by 4 parents, no social life.
i told them i wanted to go to the psych ward. she offered me a drive to the hospital but i just took the drive home.

i should have just done it. nothing was stopping me. there was no SI (in that moment, it might have shown up if i proceeded but i didnt feel like it would). stupid fucking god damn bpd, just let me go. i should have kept going. its like i told the cop, nothing is going to change.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life does seem to be endless pain and misery with no relief. I'm sorry for all the suffering that brought you to this point. Best wishes in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Un-]

better a short pain than lifelong torment

Call me a fucking dickhead but I think this could be.. Seen as encouraging. You probably didn't mean it that way.. But.. I don't know, man. On threads like these especially, try steer away from these types of phrases just in case some looney misinterprets it, and everyone here ends up with a shit pie on their lap. No hostility.. I'm just looking out, is all. I'm sorry for derailing the thread.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Call me a fucking dickhead but I think this could be.. Seen as encouraging. You probably didn't mean it that way.. But.. I don't know, man. On threads like these especially, try steer away from these types of phrases just in case some looney misinterprets it, and everyone here ends up with a shit pie on their lap. No hostility.. I'm just looking out, is all. I'm sorry for derailing the thread.

its totally cool. honestly i figured/think its more in relation to my comment then meant as encouraging

the pain of death will stop, while the pain of living will continue until im dead

 

[keitaro]

technically didnt back down.
2 people stopped and asked if i was ok "yeah just looking at the water". i figured i worried enough people at that point and was debating on heading home. i had been out there for an hour in a heavy fog (not including the time it took me to get there, about 45mins i think. its not far but i walked). i was damp, so cold my teeth chattered.
then the cops (2) showed up. 2 more stopped to ask if they needed assistance, i was cool so the answer was no. i told them a bit that was going on. i have bpd, cant go to therapy due to complications, abandoned by 4 parents, no social life.
i told them i wanted to go to the psych ward. she offered me a drive to the hospital but i just took the drive home.

i should have just done it. nothing was stopping me. there was no SI (in that moment, it might have shown up if i proceeded but i didnt feel like it would). stupid fucking god damn bpd, just let me go. i should have kept going. its like i told the cop, nothing is going to change.

the fact that you waited there so long, told the cops about your problems, asked to go to the psych ward, etc, shows to me that what you desire more than ctb is emotional support. maybe that's something you could focus on. sometimes we think we want to ctb, but we aren't ready to, and so we might as well make the best of what time we have left. we can always change our mind later.

 

[Life_and_Death]

what you desire more than ctb is emotional support

its sadly not that simple. i have borderline personality disorder, im typically getting below minimum "attention" (social interaction) for a normal person and i require extra.
i dont have any family. 3 friends and only 1 i really "talk" to. he occasionally messages back, hes busy i got that. but just because i understand hes busy, it doesnt make the loneliness go away. ive tried to make friends. ive joined 3 different discord servers, talked to about 20 people and none stuck, no one ever sticks. ive made friends here and on another site, only 2 are left (and 1 wasnt counted in the original # because she has her own things so i dont talk to her about mine. she just messages me when she needs someone).
ive been bullied and abused literally since before birth, i was suppose to be aborted/adopted out and she kicked my bio dad out of the hospital the day of my birth, not even informing him of it. and it only went downhill from there considering the government was going to take me when i was 1-2yo. got bullied at every school, on the sidelines of every day camp, bullied at girl guides. abuse continued at home.
my SO recently fucked off, just before my bday, the worst time of the year for me and he knows it.
i have mental disorders piled to the roof, literally dealing with/trying to calm myself down from something 24/7. bpd, cptsd x3, depersonalization, extreme social anxiety, among others but i think those are my big ones. a weed addiction. i cried at the fireworks the other night.... i dont enjoy things, everything causes stress and tears. i have eating disorder(s?), atypical anorexia for sure i literally eat less then a baby yet somehow hold a 115-120lbs average. i also have a physical aversion to food, like i can be starving and sometimes just thinking about food will make me want to throw up, now how is one suppose to eat in that state. and sometimes i can go a day or 2 forgetting to eat, just not hungry, not thinking about it.
physically im in constant discomfort. i have 2 lower back problems. my bpd causes physical reaction so my chest/arms hurt. ive been having gut pain lately that i cant place because its literally the only symptom. i have a breathing problem where i think i dont inhale enough because every now and then i gasp for breath randomly.
i cant go to therapy due to complications it would cause with my brothers that i would rather not put them through. i cant get help for my physical problems because i cant wear a mask due to my breathing. i cant get a medical exemption because it hasnt been diagnosed and the doc wont let me in because i cant wear a mask. because i cant get in to see my doc i cant get a referral to see my other doc to prescribe me prescriptions for my mental health, even so i have to be very cautious because im sensitive to meds (10mg of olanzapine had me sleeping for 15-20hrs straight)
because of my bpd i can ensure my future is screwed. people with bpd have a higher chance of dementia and i probably already have brain damage from hitting my head off the wall. my fingers feel weird so i think i have arthritis (im 23) which will only get worse with age. i have a fear of aging, i dont want to do it, thinking about it can leave me in tears. i dont want to live past 30 (i cant go to therapy again until then too).

my past sucked, my present sucks, my future has no hope its just...coping. my future has no joy. i basically have to kms

EDIT: under the physical problems i forgot i have nerve damage in both ankles due to different causes, anyway those feel weird/are uncomfortable/hurt. specifically when theyre crossed over each other though so sitting is difficult for me as i typically cross my ankles.

 

[keitaro]

its sadly not that simple. i have borderline personality disorder, im typically getting below minimum "attention" (social interaction) for a normal person and i require extra.
i dont have any family. 3 friends and only 1 i really "talk" to. he occasionally messages back, hes busy i got that. but just because i understand hes busy, it doesnt make the loneliness go away. ive tried to make friends. ive joined 3 different discord servers, talked to about 20 people and none stuck, no one ever sticks. ive made friends here and on another site, only 2 are left (and 1 wasnt counted in the original # because she has her own things so i dont talk to her about mine. she just messages me when she needs someone).
ive been bullied and abused literally since before birth, i was suppose to be aborted/adopted out and she kicked my bio dad out of the hospital the day of my birth, not even informing him of it. and it only went downhill from there considering the government was going to take me when i was 1-2yo. got bullied at every school, on the sidelines of every day camp, bullied at girl guides. abuse continued at home.
my SO recently fucked off, just before my bday, the worst time of the year for me and he knows it.
i have mental disorders piled to the roof, literally dealing with/trying to calm myself down from something 24/7. bpd, cptsd x3, depersonalization, extreme social anxiety, among others but i think those are my big ones. a weed addiction. i cried at the fireworks the other night.... i dont enjoy things, everything causes stress and tears. i have eating disorder(s?), atypical anorexia for sure i literally eat less then a baby yet somehow hold a 115-120lbs average. i also have a physical aversion to food, like i can be starving and sometimes just thinking about food will make me want to throw up, no how is one suppose to eat in that state. and sometimes i can go a day or 2 forgetting to eat, just not hungry, not thinking about it.
physically im in constant discomfort. i have 2 lower back problems. my bpd causes physical reaction so my chest/arms hurt. ive been having gut pain lately that i cant place because its literally the only symptom. i have a breathing problem where i think i dont inhale enough because every now and then i gasp for breath randomly.
i cant go to therapy due to complications it would cause with my brothers that i would rather not put them through. i cant get help for my physical problems because i cant wear a mask due to my breathing. i cant get a medical exemption because it hasnt been diagnosed and the doc wont let me in because i cant wear a mask. because i cant get in to see my doc i cant get a referral to see my other doc to prescribe me prescriptions for my mental health, even so i have to be very cautious because im sensitive to meds (10mg of olanzapine had me sleeping for 15-20hrs straight)
because of my bpd i can ensure my future is screwed. people with bpd have a higher chance of dementia and i probably already have brain damage from hitting my head off the wall. my fingers feel weird so i think i have arthritis (im 23) which will only get worse with age. i have a fear of aging, i dont want to do it, thinking about it can leave me in tears. i dont want to live past 30 (i cant go to therapy again until then too).

my past sucked, my present sucks, my future has no hope its just...coping. my future has no joy. i basically have to kms

well, when you do, i hope it goes well so that you can finally have peace. i wasn't telling you not to ctb, just pointing out how it seems like your priority is communicating your pain, as you took the time to do with this long response.

 

[Life_and_Death]

well, when you do, i hope it goes well so that you can finally have peace. i wasn't telling you not to ctb, just pointing out how it seems like your priority is communicating your pain, as you took the time to do with this long response.

moreso i didnt disagree with you this is just why it cant be that way. i didnt think you were telling me anything.

 

[keitaro]

moreso i didnt disagree with you this is just why it cant be that way. i didnt think you were telling me anything.

oh ok, sorry if i misunderstood.
it's horrible how much pain we have to suffer. i can see that you've been through a lot. existence is cruel.

 

[Life_and_Death]

oh ok, sorry if i misunderstood.

its totally cool. the only problem i have is when it comes to my mental disorders "oh yeah i get that" but theyre way off in left field and no matter how hard you try to explain that you understand them but its slightly different, it goes no where. like my first therapist that tried to tell my husband how to pull me out of dissociation WHILE i was repeating myself several times ITS 24/7!!! ITS NOT GOING AWAY!!! but she kept talking like it would smh.
that dissociation stopped btw. i had depersonalization/derealization. it was really scary, but its just depersonalization now thank god. still is a constant, not going away thing though.

it's horrible how much pain we have to suffer. i can see that you've been through a lot. existence is cruel.

yeah, my situations at the point where if MAiD didnt accept me id have to protest cruel and unusual punishment or something out front

 

[keitaro]

its totally cool. the only problem i have is when it comes to my mental disorders "oh yeah i get that" but theyre way off in left field and no matter how hard you try to explain that you understand them but its slightly different, it goes no where. like my first therapist that tried to tell my husband how to pull me out of dissociation WHILE i was repeating myself several times ITS 24/7!!! ITS NOT GOING AWAY!!! but she kept talking like it would smh.

yeah, my situations at the point where if MAiD didnt accept me id have to protest cruel and unusual punishment or something out front

oh ok. it sounds like you want someone who listens to you and understands? someone who you can communicate effectively with?
and you are trying to get medically euthanized instead of ctb on your own?

 

[Life_and_Death]

and you are trying to get medically euthanized instead of ctb on your own?

actually no. ive thought about it. ive looked into it. i dont see why i shouldnt pass but, for some weird unknown reason i feel more uncomfortable dying by taking a pill from them then i do from hanging myself.

oh ok. it sounds like you want someone who listens to you and understands? someone who you can communicate effectively with?

yeah, but no. my SO left, and with him my will to put up with everything did too. i could keep going on my own if i wanted to, but i dont want to

 

[keitaro]

actually no. ive thought about it. ive looked into it. i dont see why i shouldnt pass but, for some weird unknown reason i feel more uncomfortable dying by taking a pill from them then i do from hanging myself.

yeah, but no. my SO left, and with him my will to put up with everything did too. i could keep going on my own if i wanted to, but i dont want to

oh ok. when do you plan to ctb? i'm using the sn method, so i'm waiting at least until i have all the stuff i need for it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

oh ok. when do you plan to ctb? i'm using the sn method, so i'm waiting at least until i have all the stuff i need for it.

no plans. much like last night, just whenever i walk out the door and do it.

 

[keitaro]

no plans. much like last night, just whenever i walk out the door and do it.

oh ok, that is understandable. ctb is a big decision, and if we aren't ready to carry it out, might as well take it one day at a time.
best wishes~

 

[chronicallybroken]

its sadly not that simple. i have borderline personality disorder, im typically getting below minimum "attention" (social interaction) for a normal person and i require extra.
i dont have any family. 3 friends and only 1 i really "talk" to. he occasionally messages back, hes busy i got that. but just because i understand hes busy, it doesnt make the loneliness go away. ive tried to make friends. ive joined 3 different discord servers, talked to about 20 people and none stuck, no one ever sticks. ive made friends here and on another site, only 2 are left (and 1 wasnt counted in the original # because she has her own things so i dont talk to her about mine. she just messages me when she needs someone).
ive been bullied and abused literally since before birth, i was suppose to be aborted/adopted out and she kicked my bio dad out of the hospital the day of my birth, not even informing him of it. and it only went downhill from there considering the government was going to take me when i was 1-2yo. got bullied at every school, on the sidelines of every day camp, bullied at girl guides. abuse continued at home.
my SO recently fucked off, just before my bday, the worst time of the year for me and he knows it.
i have mental disorders piled to the roof, literally dealing with/trying to calm myself down from something 24/7. bpd, cptsd x3, depersonalization, extreme social anxiety, among others but i think those are my big ones. a weed addiction. i cried at the fireworks the other night.... i dont enjoy things, everything causes stress and tears. i have eating disorder(s?), atypical anorexia for sure i literally eat less then a baby yet somehow hold a 115-120lbs average. i also have a physical aversion to food, like i can be starving and sometimes just thinking about food will make me want to throw up, now how is one suppose to eat in that state. and sometimes i can go a day or 2 forgetting to eat, just not hungry, not thinking about it.
physically im in constant discomfort. i have 2 lower back problems. my bpd causes physical reaction so my chest/arms hurt. ive been having gut pain lately that i cant place because its literally the only symptom. i have a breathing problem where i think i dont inhale enough because every now and then i gasp for breath randomly.
i cant go to therapy due to complications it would cause with my brothers that i would rather not put them through. i cant get help for my physical problems because i cant wear a mask due to my breathing. i cant get a medical exemption because it hasnt been diagnosed and the doc wont let me in because i cant wear a mask. because i cant get in to see my doc i cant get a referral to see my other doc to prescribe me prescriptions for my mental health, even so i have to be very cautious because im sensitive to meds (10mg of olanzapine had me sleeping for 15-20hrs straight)
because of my bpd i can ensure my future is screwed. people with bpd have a higher chance of dementia and i probably already have brain damage from hitting my head off the wall. my fingers feel weird so i think i have arthritis (im 23) which will only get worse with age. i have a fear of aging, i dont want to do it, thinking about it can leave me in tears. i dont want to live past 30 (i cant go to therapy again until then too).

my past sucked, my present sucks, my future has no hope its just...coping. my future has no joy. i basically have to kms

EDIT: under the physical problems i forgot i have nerve damage in both ankles due to different causes, anyway those feel weird/are uncomfortable/hurt. specifically when theyre crossed over each other though so sitting is difficult for me as i typically cross my ankles.

I'm really sorry for all these horrible things you have gone through. For what it's worth I think you sound pretty cool, you're very open about what you're struggling with and that takes a lot of strength! I wish you the best whatever route you take.

 

[Life_and_Death]

best wishes~

same to you and thanks for talking with me

For what it's worth I think you sound pretty cool

i wish i could see what you see and thank you, because of the depersonalization it doesnt feel like much/i feel like im overreacting but im slowly seeing that ive been through a bit

 

[Life_and_Death]

while i was there i noticed a few things.
you cant fit your feet between the metal bars, but right up beside the pole my foot fit perfectly. thanks for giving me a step up guys.
and theres a foot path going under the bridge blocked off with a chain link fence i could have hung myself from. the more interesting part is it seemed to extend over a wall meaning convulsions would only have assisted my death, causing me to smash my head off the concrete.

i have the craziest ideas. like tying a rope to my neck and another to the railing of the bridge then jumping.

 

[keitaro]

is the bridge in an isolated spot? earlier it sounded like there were people around.

 

[Life_and_Death]

is the bridge in an isolated spot? earlier it sounded like there were people around.

quiet a few but there were little pockets. i had fun watching the headlights coming through the fog and thinking i could jump rn and no one would know, jumping only takes a moment.
the city is kind of cut in 2 and theres only 2 bridges so yeah, its a bit busy. of course this also isnt a huge city like toronto

 

[keitaro]

quiet a few but there were little pockets. i had fun watching the headlights coming through the fog and thinking i could jump rn and no one would know, jumping only takes a moment.
the city is kind of cut in 2 and theres only 2 bridges so yeah, its a bit busy. of course this also isnt a huge city like toronto

oh ok. sounds like you're trying to decide whether to jump off freely or jump off and hang by a rope?

 

[Scrubs2016]

Does talking on here, for you, change your mind? If you had someone to talk to 12-14 hours a day, would it help? I know in my case, just having someone to bounce off of, would help me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

oh ok. sounds like you're trying to decide whether to jump off freely or jump off and hang by a rope?

no, jumping isnt my method. if i was going to last night i would have done the other option (hanging myself from the fence). but its an impulse option because it does take that one moment.
the rope/jump is more of a suicidal fantasy.