should i write a suicide note or not?

[monetpompo]

I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. I don't want to write anything anymore. I don't want to keep writing and rewriting and writing. I'm probably just going to end up writing a shorter note so it isn't super melodramatic. I just hate the process of writing. I hate it all. I want to leave nothing behind. I hate how much I love my best friend because I'm going to leave him behind and it's hard to act like I don't care what happens to him. I just want to explode and have no one remember me. It's been 1 day since I've been discharged. It feels like I'm still in the hospital but also like I've never left home. I think I want to puke my guts out until I feel calmer. I haven't self harmed since I got home, but I haven't been able to relax either. I think I need to not talk to everyone I know for a while. My brain feels scrambled. I think I'm going to attempt soon. I can't tell anybody. It's lonely. I just know I'm gonna do it. I don't like thinking or having free will or thinking about my hobbies because I want to lay in bed instead. Everything frightens me. If I'm lucky, I only have to act normal until my summer courses end, or maybe before then. I don't want to lash out and wait for him to hate me, or land myself in the hospital again. I think a part of me genuinely wants to go back to the hospital just because I liked not having to think about doing stuff and just laying in bed for hours. That was the easiest part of it.

I don't care about all the things I have. I don't care about my friends, my sister, or family. I just want to explode and run away from everything because it's all annoying. I don't want to talk to a stupid therapist. I don't like the idea that if I just took medication and saw a therapist I'd be less fucked up and stupid all the time. I know I disappoint my family and I know me getting put in the hospital made them worried, but I don't feel like getting better just for their sake. I want to disappear off the face of the earth and just die. I can't find it in myself to hate anybody. I just feel totally pathetic. I don't want to write a suicide note because I'm worried that no one will even take it seriously.

 

[evanescent_eva]

I feel like throwing my hands up in the air. I don't want to write anything anymore. I don't want to keep writing and rewriting and writing. I just hate the process of writing. I hate it all. I want to leave nothing behind. I just want to explode and have no one remember me.

I just want to explode and run away from everything because it's all annoying. I want to disappear off the face of the earth and just die. I don't want to write a suicide note because I'm worried that no one will even take it seriously.

This is just one enby's interpretation, but this doesn't sound like you want to write a suicide note? It sounds like you are exhausted. From what I've read from you these past couple months, I think you want to be understood, but I'm not sure that a suicide note is going to make that happen? Suicide notes are for the living, and the living suck at understanding the dead.

But I could be wrong. It sounds like you've put a good deal of effort into the process, and maybe you just want to see it through. Maybe it would still be cathartic for you, or maybe it would help assure your loved ones that there was nothing else anyone could do. Those would be fine reasons to leave a note, and there are many other fine reasons to leave a note too. As always, the choice is ultimately up to you. But you don't owe anyone anything. Do what makes you feel best!

Sorry I'm really burnt out and have no idea how this landed. Feel free to ignore all of it if it sucked <3

 

[monetpompo]

this doesn't sound like you want to write a suicide note? It sounds like you are exhausted. From what I've read from you these past couple months, I think you want to be understood, but I'm not sure that a suicide note is going to make that happen? Suicide notes are for the living, and the living suck at understanding the dead.

sounds about right eva. i don't think anybody's gonna understand me alive or dead. i just need to leave a note/email for my friend because no one's going to be able to tell him. i've really just been writing a note to him since i honestly only care about him and my immediate family knowing. i don't like tweaking and getting angry so often. it makes me feel more incoherent to the people around me.

thanks again 4 reading xoxo

 

[myucore]

Sound like you having a lot and tired.

I've been thinking maybe I would collect all my writing and give it to some people as a book of parting gift. Or maybe I would just post it all in my SaSu profile and give the link to some people I feel like they need or want to try to understand me. I'm just thinking if no one could understand me, maybe I should just eventually reveal my real self and real feeling.

No one irl comes to mind yet on who I would give my writings to, but there are some people online I feel like I could trust that they could try to understand me. Thinking about how they might understand me even just a bit could give me some sense of justification of my pain that leads to my decision to ctb.

Good luck and rest well..

 

[MatiSendiri]

As the above comment said, it really sounds like you're suicidal because you're tired.

Not to lighten your situation but it really seems like you need to rest for a while. The living don't understand the dead for a long while so make sure you exhaust all the other options before joining the dead.

From your first post I conclude that you don't tried self-harm yet. My recommendation is that you should try it. Usually when I truly felt lonely I'd calm myself by cutting in the shoulders. Remember, your target is to not torture yourself by losing blood or get infected, it's to release all the pain you have deep in your mind and hard to get out. There's a lot of tutorials about cutting here, so it probably helps to keep it safe.

Whatever happens man, good luck to you. Hope you can overwhelm the problem, sooner or later.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't know too many people. Anyone I had anything to say to, I've already said. In some cases I've said things multiple times. Once I'm gone I will not care or be around to know how people feel or what happens. Since there's nothing I need to get out of my own head or try and connect to anyone by saying... I don't see a point in writing a note. So I'm not planning to do so.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

From your first post I conclude that you don't tried self-harm yet. My recommendation is that you should try it.

Do you really consider this a good recommendation? SH often becomes an addiction, people end up with their body full of scars and their actual problem wasn't solved at all. It's the same with drugs - it's a temporary relief but not a solution to the problem that causes the pain itself.

@monetpompo I think you should take a break from everything.

I think a part of me genuinely wants to go back to the hospital just because I liked not having to think about doing stuff and just laying in bed for hours.

You can't heal from exhaustion unless you really "switch off" from everything and relax and distance from everything that causes stress. This is gonna take a long time. Changes can have positive effects but stress doesn't.

Whether you should write a suicide note or not is your own decision. When I was very suicidal and I wanted to write a note my brain always turned into a big black void the moment I wanted to start writing and I didn't know what I wanted to write at all.

 

[monetpompo]

I think you should take a break from everything.

the issue is honestly that i have no job or real responsibilities besides my summer courses i'm flailing around to do. i regret picking them up since i already knew how depressed summer makes me, but the classes are really easy.

all i have is my room and my phone and my laptop. i plan on keeping mostly to myself and going on some nature walks. i want to stop using my phone but i need it for texting and google maps. i don't know why i'm so overwhelmed when my life is just so easy. people would love having nothing to do all day like me, but having all this time just makes me spiral out of control. i just want a way to run away from home.

From your first post I conclude that you don't tried self-harm yet. My recommendation is that you should try it.

also this was a bad tip lol. i don't want to get into cutting because i know it's addictive. the thought of having any addictions makes me nervous.

 

[myucore]

Do you really consider this a good recommendation? SH often becomes an addiction, people end up with their body full of scars and their actual problem wasn't solved at all. It's the same with drugs - it's a temporary relief but not a solution to the problem that causes the pain itself.

It's not a wise recommendation. But, temporary relief could help. The way I would describe it probably "harm reduction" or "necessary evil" or "pick your own poison".

Even if it's risky or could cause potential problem, to cope maybe better than not being able to cope at all for those who desperate.

Once again, I'm not condoning sh, knowing the potential risk and stigma around it. but.. to survive another day.. I feel like I could relate...

Sorry if I sound argumentative. I'm just trying to relate..

Edit: I might delete it, sorry

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Sorry if I sound argumentative. I'm just trying to relate..

No need to be sorry. :-)

 

[MatiSendiri]

First of all, I'm really sorry for my recommendation. Yeah SH can be addictive, I truly forget that. Thanks @Praestat_Mori and @monetpompo reminding me for that one. But my point is that it can be a lesser evil option, such as @myucore said. I don't condone it to anyone, but I definitely think it's far better than ctb.

But secondly, my point still stands. You definitely need to find something enticing you to this world alas you ctb. I'd really hate to say it but you definitely need to vent that hurt, alas you just stuck in the position. If SH isn't preferable to you, maybe try something addictive but in other ways. Again, this sound stupid if you're just a random Joe, but trust me, it can definitely helps. My recommendation is porn. Don't try drugs in any way, shape or form. It's costly and needs a greater doses for repeated effects. If you can't accept my recommendation, that's okay. I'm still sorry for you to reach the same point as many of us did here. Peace out man :)

 

[gothbird]

Writing a note feels like trying to put a forest fire into a sentence.

I have a whole document I wrote about this with pages of thoughts on notes, structure, tone, all of it. But I haven't posted it on SS because I worry it'll get taken down. Feels like the kind of thing that disappears fast.

That said, here's what I'll say:
You don't have to write anything. A note isn't a requirement. Some people find it grounding or clarifying. Others find it makes everything feel worse. But if there's something pulling at you like a person you care about, a truth you want to leave behind, a need to make something understood, you're allowed to just start small. One line. One name.
You can write a note that's angry, or soft, or practical, or doesn't say much at all. You can write it to someone else, or just to yourself. You can leave it in a document, or a notebook, or nowhere. No one gets to tell you what it should look like. There are usually two emotional paths people take in their writing that I've noticed and I labelled them destruction or comfort. Some want to leave a final blow, to be heard after being ignored. Others want to soften the landing for the people left behind. And some notes are both like I guess a love laced with anger, peace cut through with pain. None of those are wrong. But it's worth thinking about which path feels most true for you.

I will leave you with this resource which really helped define a note for me and help me expand on my thoughts. It is SUPER helpful. I wish you so much luck on your journey. HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE by Ash

 

[monetpompo]

I will leave you with this resource which really helped define a note for me and help me expand on my thoughts. It is SUPER helpful. I wish you so much luck on your journey. HOW TO WRITE A SUICIDE NOTE by Ash

holy moly. thanks for the resource. i didn't think i'd find something like this

 

[gothbird]

holy moly. thanks for the resource. i didn't think i'd find something like this

Anything to help you on your journey. Be kind to yourself!